The Conny Club
April 26th, 2008 at 01:43

I’ve got a confession to make. This evening, I did something terrible. I went to my local Conservative Club.

No, I haven’t renounced my dignity, I was there on business. Well, sort of anyway. I was there for the 21st birthday party of two of my friends, Ben & Bailey, who are the cool sort of people I’d make a sacrifice like this for – its just they have inexplicably poor taste in booking venues.

When I parked in their car park, the stench of Conservatism was already thick in the air – there was a notice on the door informing me that I had to be a “member” to park there and there was a regressive fixed-rate fine for parking violations (as opposed to linked to income), meaning that it was the poor who’d be hit the hardest.

So after I’d re-parked my car in the chemist’s car park (Free medicine for everyone? How sickeningly socialist), I approached the entrance again, trembling. I didn’t know what it’d be like inside. Would there be the heads of murdered foxes lining the walls? Would rivers of the blood of poor people pass by the terrace outside? Would there be genuine, real-life Tory voters inside?

I took a deep breath and pushed open the door. I was surprised that I’d made it this far in – every week I write in the local paper and slag off the Tories or Tory values in one way or another. What if they recognised me? I was worried that someone would “out” me as a nanny-state loving liberal. Would they throw me out? Or worse?

The bar appeared to be basically an old man pub, and they had the same selection of drinks on offer as secular bars. What was slightly unsettling was that everyone in there looked like a Tory – its hard to describe exactly what makes a Tory, but if the birthday party hadn’t been there, the median age would have been in the upper-50s or low-60s, and they all looked moderately well off and self-interested. I felt like Louis Theroux observing a group of crackpots and not trying to be offensive to their horrendous worldview.

The other problem was with money. I was buying drinks from the Tory bar – was my money going directly to funding the Conservative Party? Is David Cameron going to be paying for his chauffeur to drive behind his bike using my money? The prospect is too horrifying to even think about.

I spent £4.50 there (on three Pepsis, since you asked) – I think now the only thing I can do to morally redeem myself is to donate £4.50 to a cause that opposes the Tories. Maybe the LibDems, as the least evil of the three big parties and the second biggest party in my constituency (the Tories are depressingly first). But then, Nick Clegg is a Tory in all but name, isn’t he? I’m thinking maybe donating it to UKIP – a party equally, if not more hideous than the Tories – the theory being that I can try and split the right wing vote and give the lefties, whoever they are, more of a chance.

I’m assuming all of the evil plans were hidden away as they were allowing “outsiders” in.

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