More fan mail
July 16th, 2008 at 19:11

I think I must be on some sort of UKIP watch-list. I think as an unpopular, easily dislikeable, politically insignificant party, they must be going after the unpopular, easily dislikeable, politically insignificant pundits. In this case: myself.

As you probably know, considering the amount of times that I’ve mentioned it, I write a column in the Herald & Post newspaper – and last week, someone wrote in to the paper to complain about a column I wrote a few weeks back praising the European Union and the Lisbon Treaty… I think they might like me.

Well, at least it’s a bit politer than my previous piece of a fan-mail.

My first reaction is that it’s not exactly… dispelling any myths about the UKIP mindset. World War II is still ongoing, and we can’t trust the foreigns – especially the treacherous French. His authority on this matter seems to stem from the fact that he’s vaguely related to a lot of events that occured in the war. Bizarre.

My favourite bit though is the number of pull-out quotes talking about me. That’s right, even on issues as important as Europe, or, er, World War II, I’m still making myself more important:

“Mr O’Malley is an undemocratic ignoramus”

I’m also a “gaping cunt“.

“Still wet behind his ears”

“Perhaps [I] should try [being a WWII firefighter] or better still, but his brain in gear before he opens his mouth”

Because all of the best political commentators trained as World War II firefighters?

“Perhaps you should buy [me] a dictionary?”

I’m not sure what warranted this.

UKIP: Our calendars stop in 1943.

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Taking Criticism
March 21st, 2008 at 16:50

I think generally, I’m quite thick-skinned. This isn’t just an excuse for being fat either – when people criticise me, I like to think that I can take it and learn from the experience. I mean, I have survived eight rounds in the ring with Anne Robinson, so I must be pretty good at it.

I got an incredible e-mail this morning from someone who didn’t leave their name, but I think its much better than the last piece of hate-mail I received.

“Upon reading your article(s) in the ‘herald and post’, i have come to the inevitable conclusion that you sir, are a gaping cunt of gargantuan proportions. i find your opinions inexcusably blatherskite.

“Feel free to continually fellate yourself all over the pages of the paper, safe in the knowledge that your reply to this (if in the paper) will literally be shat upon’t.”

Yeah, I had to look up the meaning of “blatherskite” too. It turns out that it means “foolish gibberish”.

The weird thing is though, that upon reading it I didn’t break down into tears (I was already crying for an unrelated reason), I actually took it as a sort of badge of honour. Or more accurately, it was further evidence that people were actually reading. Clearly this person felt angered up enough to go to their computer, search the internet for me, then send me an angry diatribe. The greatest authors and film makers spend years trying to produce content that will evoke and emotional response in the audience, to try and get a reaction. Schindler’s List and Titantic cost millions of dollars to make and countless man-hours of hard work by thousands of people – yet I’ve proved that its much easier to make someone’s blood boil and provoke their emotions that way. All it takes is calling the general public idiots, or something.

This does worry me though. If I’m treating criticism as a sign that I’m “doing the right thing” then how am I better than the Westboro Baptist Church? They love it when people get angry about them. I’d claim that its a case of what Nietzsche famously said: “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” – but that’s obviously wrong. Take getting your legs chopped off, for instance, or a non-fatal bullet wound.

In retaliation for this I’ve done the most logical thing and set up a Facebook Fan Page for myself. I already have six fans – that’s only seven less than Heather Mills… and everyone thinks she’s great!

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Yet more proof democracy doesn’t work
February 10th, 2008 at 20:56

Hey, remember the UK Independence Party, or UKIP as they’re also known? You must remember them – they have a lurid yellow and purple pound symbol logo and have been the replacement joke-party for the Monster Raving Loony Party in recent elections. Every election cycle, they come up with a load of ludicrous joke policies, stand against the main parties, get barely a handful of votes and then lose their deposits.

Of course, there are some people who just don’t seem to get the joke, and for some unfathomable reason, treat them as an almost legitimate political party – including the leadership themselves. It would be fair to say that they have a bit of an image problem – David Cameron, of all people, said that they’re “fruitcakes, loonies and closet-racists“. Its difficult to find evidence to the contrary.

This said, I really can’t see why they have an image problem when someone who cites the Farage Youth as their homepage posts the following comment on my blog:

“Dear fuckhead,

You’re a big fat unfunny cunt and I hope you get AIDs and die.

Not only that, but being as your parents are massive whores I also hope they get infected with some horrific STD, maybe syphilis.

Your blog is so bad I believe it has given me cancer. You manage to give new meaning to the phrase ‘fat uniformed student twat’, a F.U.S.T if you will.

What a massive gaping cunt you are.”

Clearly UKIP’s hopes for the future are bright if they’ve got powerful young minds like this supporting them. It almost makes me worry what the “everyone left of far-right” opposition are going to do in the future if they’ve only got massive, gaping cunts like me supporting them. I mean, aside from ignore them as a political insignificance and pay attention to them only for a little light relief.

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