Freelancin’
August 4th, 2008 at 17:29

For the next couple of weeks I’m going to be doing some freelancing at Tech Digest, writing about gadgets and tech and stuff like that. If you’re craving some fresh new James O’Malley material, here’s some links to things that I’ve written so far:

• New iPod rumours
• Panasonic make a big telly
• “Google Street View is okay”, says man
• China censor stuff
• Bike gears or something
• Radiohead are popular
• NASA covering up aliens
• A PC… in a car?!
• Some black boxes that are apparently home theatres
• Yet another new Eee PC

So check out TD, they’re really cool, and that’s just not because they might give me some money soon. They’re genuinely excellent - they’re letting me write like I normally do, but on their popular website!

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SEO Close, yet SEO far away…
June 26th, 2008 at 16:23

So at the moment, I’m sort of looking for a job, or at least activities that have similar properties to a job: specifically the acquisition of money and filling up the time when I’m awake and not rocking out at all the gigs that I go to.

Trawling the jobs websites is a bit disappointing if you’re looking for a really specific job - no one seems to want a “new star columnist to replace Charlie Brooker” and instead, all of the writing jobs seem to all be asking for people who can write “SEO” copy - or “search engine optimisation” as its known to people outside of the Marketing Wankers Guild.

What this basically means is that writers have to be able to write stuff in such a way that it gets a high-rank on Google, so people will click it, and then get bombarded with adverts that will earn money for the company. Tactics for getting a high rank include referencing brand names, such as SONY PLAYSTATION 3 or APPLE IPHONE, as much as possible, and putting keywords in bold, or headings. I can’t bring myself to write for something like that - not least because I’m incapable of writing in any style other than the one you’re reading now (even my academic essays are like this). I don’t think a prospective employers would be too impressed if I were to try and promote their products by making sneery digs at Tories and creationists.

A few minutes ago I spotted a job advertisement that as I read through it I thought would be perfect for me, but there was a small problem:

…Looking for writers…

Began the advert. “I’m a writer!”, I thought.

…to create editorial style articles…

Yes!

…of approximately 500 words…

Yes!

…on topics related to world news…

Yes! This is totally my thing! This is something I can do!

…through the view of Christian eschatology

Sonofabitchgoddamnit.

After looking up the meaning of “eschatology”, just to double check that it didn’t actually mean “taking the piss out of creationists”, I discovered that eschatology is actually:

The study of ‘last things’: the ‘four last things’ are usually death, judgement, heaven, and hell.

So someone out there is looking for an end-timer version of myself. If I have a southern Baptist doppelgänger, he’s totally just scored himself a job.

Annoyingly for me though, the hunt goes on. Anyone fancy paying me to write stuff? Or better still, want to pay me to republish anything on here? That way I don’t have to write anything new but still get some money.

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Career Direction
August 21st, 2007 at 01:36

Back when I was at school, I was told that one day I could be a great javelinist, but I threw it all away when I decided that I actually wanted to be an attendant at a hedge maze, even though it is literally a dead-end job.

I did briefly consider what it would be like to have a career as a pigeon fancier (perhaps in year 3 after watching the Look & Read serial Geordie Racer), but then I remembered that my feelings towards pigeons were entirely platonic, and if I took it up as a career, I’d be living a lie as I just wouldn’t feel the same way about them.

Some people have the luxury of the name of their degree telling them what career to go into. For example, if you’re studying archaeology, you can be pretty certain that you’re going to end up being an archaeologist, and if you’re studying homoeopathy you can be pretty sure that you’re wasting your life. Unfortunately there are no job titles that are “bloke who knows a bit about International Relations & Globalisation”.

I suppose this does have its benefits - it gives me more of a choice about what field I go into. I think I should aim pretty high, as I’d hate to end up as, say, a toilet cleaner - job security would be rock bottom, as any time your boss could call you into the office to tell you that you’ve been made redundant by Toilet Duck.

I think when trying to decide on the direction of your career, it is important to consider the factors other than the cold, hard cash - such as the extras that the job might include, like free BUPA coverage or something… what hairdressers might term fringe benefits.

It’s a shame I’m training to be a Bachelor of Arts and not the Sciences because being a geologist could have been a pretty smart move - I hear their job rocks. You might even get a company car, although I guess there’s always the risk that it could be something akin to what Fred Flintstone drives. Actually, there’s a thought: being a cars salesman could be quite lucrative - I’d be perfectly placed to get a discount sports car when I need to buy a mid-life-crisis-mobile in a couple of decades time.

Another enviable science job might be what Colin Pillinger does. He’s the failed rocket scientist behind Beagle 2, the British Martian lander that failed to get to Mars. It must be a pretty easy job - anyone can make a Mars Lander that doesn’t work. I made one this afternoon by sellotaping a Coke bottle to the sellotape dispenser - and it failed to make it to Mars, just like Beagle 2. I made another failed lander a few minutes ago by stacking up some CD cases and hoping for the best… and it didn’t even make it into the Earth’s upper-atmosphere!

Its this lack of decision about career direction that makes me want to stay in education for as long as possible.

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Tax Free
June 14th, 2007 at 00:12

Today was my last evening working at the tax office. In retrospect, I actually feel vaguely saddened that I’ll no longer work there - presumably because of the people rather than the work involved. As much as I loved endlessly processing forms in a navy-blue on grey console application, I don’t think I’m going to find myself wishing I could be back there.

Leaving in the way that I did has been a bit like euthanasia in a way - I’ve chosen to leave on my own terms - I don’t have another job to go to - I simply fancy doing bugger all for the summer.

As it was my last day, the mood was a bit more relaxed - I was tempted to just say “big tax rebates for everyone!”, as I processed a pile of tax forms. What were they going to do? Sack me?

To try and win the kudos of my (now former) colleagues, despite months of secretly slagging them off on the internet, I bought a couple of boxes of Cadbury’s Miniature Heroes in. Vaguely interestingly, it was once again proved that nobody likes Picnics and Topics, as they were the only ones left over. This has happened in every Miniature Heroes Occasion I’ve ever participated in - presumably this now means that I can call this phenomenon O’Malley’s First Law, and have loads of creationists dispute this official scientific theory. They’d probably claim that this natural (non-random) selection doesn’t occur when someone picks a chocolate.

Excellently, my colleagues got me a card as I was leaving - and it wasn’t just a regular card, it was bereavement card, just to illustrate how sincerely they’re going to miss me. “May your memories be a comfort to you”, says the front of the card. I’m assuming the fireworks and high-fives as I left the building was just a coincidence.

I spent a lot of today shamelessly plugging my blog to my colleagues, so hopefully one or two of them will be reading this - so I’ll just re-state my opinion on the record that it has been lovely working with the following people: Michael, Nick, Keyur, Kam, Nilay, Hemel, Michon, Nit, Jeet, Ricky, Linda, Manish, Julia, Lee, Chet, Jit (I think that’s everyone) and all of the casual acquaintances who I’ve been too rude to learn to the names of over the past ten months.

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What a quitastrophy
May 16th, 2007 at 00:07

Today one of the government’s key figures announced his intention to resign by the end of June. The Rt Memorable James O’Malley, a civil servant announced that he was resigning his post as of June 13th.

Whilst speculation had been mounting for some time, it was only today that O’Malley finally confirmed that he was going. In a speech today, O’Malley exercised an unusual degree of humility and said that “I ask you to accept one thing, I did what I thought was right” - which was thought to be a veiled reference to the ill-fated so-called “dodgy dossier”, in which he claimed that an entire batch of tax returns could be processed within 45 minutes. This later proved untrue.

James O’Malley will now be embarking on a “long goodbye”, looking back on his nine months in the office. It is thought this tour will include trips to both the second floor photocopier room, as well as the Coke machine.

He has thus far refused to endorse a successor, including the widely believed most likely successor “no one”.

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Strike!
January 31st, 2007 at 03:09

Today, the PCS Union, which I’m a member of, has gone on strike. This means that I’m on strike too- what an excellent boost to my left wing credentials!

As you might expect, they’re fighting the power by complaining about wages and job cuts and so on. I’m in full support of my colleagues sticking it to the man, but I won’t be joining my colleagues on the picket lines. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going into work, I’m just not going to stand in the cold. However, to show my solidarity for my comrades, I have set up a picket in my bedroom. I’ve got a burning oil drum to keep me warm, unprofessional placards and have adopted a gruff northern accent for the duration of the picket. Don’t believe me? I’ve got a live webcam so you can watch me strike live…

Workers of all countries, unite! Although just British civil service workers will do.

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A taxing idea
December 16th, 2006 at 17:13

I checked the news headlines this morning when I woke up, only to discover that there’s been some problems at the tax office. Apparently there’s some sort of pensions glitch which is causing people to be charged too much tax Erm, if only I could get my hands on those people who code pensions at the tax office!

This latest blunder isn’t going to make people love tax any more than they currently do- and I think this is a shame, as tax isn’t some great evil- its just a bit misunderstood. Like goths.

However, I think there’s an incredibly easy way to make people love tax, and it may even encourage them to pay even more! The trouble is that when you see your tax deductions on your pay slip and just think “Bah, that’s £x I’m never going to see again”- when you buy stuff yourself, you don’t get this same feeling as your bank statement gives you a nice breakdown of what you’ve bought over the past month. So I think at the end of each month the government ought to send you a statement, explaining what your tax money has bought.

If you can quantify the cash you’ve had taken away from you into goods and services you can picture, it doesn’t feel like you’re throwing your money down the drain. I’d feel much happier if I knew that the money I’d paid in tax had bought, for example:

• Cluster Bombs (for use in Basra)
• A new ear for an ugly child with low self esteem (receiving plastic surgery on the NHS)
• A batch of MPs Christmas cards to his constituents (printed pre-signed)
• More management consultants (for the civil service)
• A posh vase (a gift for a visiting despot)
• Police protection (for the royal family)
• Subsidising Midland Mainline
• Higher wages for pen pushing bureaucrats
• Underwriting the cost of fighter jets sold to Saudi Arabia

At least then I’d be able to say “I can’t afford a my train fare, but at least Downing Street can afford to entertain the Chinese Premier whilst overlooking his country’s consistent human rights abuses”- which would make me feel much better.

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People at work
November 25th, 2006 at 02:10

The other day, I was talking to a guy at work who explained to me how he’s going to Tanzania for eight months to help a kid with his dyslexia. That’s a pretty incredible thing to do- and even more so from my point of view, as I don’t think I’d last eight minutes. He explained how he’d set up this trip after talking to his priest, and how it was an inter-churchy thing.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after the conversation had ended that I realised that throughout the conversation with a guy who must be a pretty hardcore Christian, that I’d been repeatedly exclaiming “God!“, to sort of illustrate how impressed I was with what he was doing (I don’t sound as camp as this makes me sound).

Now, I blaspheme all of the time. In fact, I’ll go out of my way when conversing just so I can slip in a “Christ on a bike!”, or a “Jesus!“, but I feel a bit guilty about breaking a major Christian rule in front of a Christian. I’m not sure why though- I don’t feel guilty about, say, talking in front of silent monks or break-dancing in front of the disabled.

Thankfully, he didn’t react by damning me to hell or anything- even when I asked him if he had an emergency contact out there, before answering the question myself with “…I suppose that’s God”.

It also turned out the other day that since starting work in September, I’ve been working with someone who is a former hypnotist. Lee (from work) told me that someone was a hypnotist a few weeks before I found out his identity, so it was quite a shock when I found out that it was the guy who sits about two metres away from me. He didn’t look too pleased when I asked him if his former occupation is the reason he passed the interview.

Today at work, I had quite a bizarre revelation. One of my colleagues explained how she travels around in her friend’s sports car at 100mph without wearing a seatbelt. I was shocked. I was at a loss to explain this incredible lapse in safety, so my reaction was mostly a series of half-words punctuated by my gaping mouth hitting the desk.

She seemed surprised that I wear a seatbelt- and she went on to explain that she’ll only wear a seatbelt in her car, if she’s driving. What the fuck?

The worst thing was that a number of my colleagues seemed to agree with her about not always wearing a seatbelt, claiming they won’t on short journeys, or if the driver is a “good driver”. There was even a derisory snort when I “admitted” that I wear a seatbelt whilst sat in the backseat of a car!

Am I missing something? Has it suddenly become uncool to wear a seatbelt? Is it the done thing to not bother wearing a seatbelt as long as you trust the driver? Is wearing a seatbelt whilst sat in the back that mental?

Readers, do you wear a seatbelt? Or am I alone in trying to remain vaguely safer?

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Anonymous Blogging
November 17th, 2006 at 02:49

Its annoying having a blog that is obviously written by me. As my name is plastered all over this website, and I’m a shameless egotist, it’d be pretty hard to say anything of any substance on here. Which is why I mostly talk bollocks.

Ages ago, I nearly got sacked from my old job at a well known highstreet hardware store, for writing about it on the internet.  Thankfully my former co-workers mostly saw the funny side, so they stuck to hating me behind my back rather than publically lynching me using the own-brand gallows in the seasonal section of the store. It probably helped that I was coincidentally starting university and thus leaving the store the week after they found my blog.
There’s so many things I could tell you lovely readers about, but it’d get me into no-end of trouble, or at least into no-end of awkward conversations with people from different parts of my life. Today there was some major shit going on at work (and there was a wonderful Office style moment that I can’t tell you about), but it is written into my contract that I can’t to the press, so I instead have to refer you to the press office.

Likewise, I can’t really talk about all of the amusing moments at University, because for all I know, the lecturer who I might want to make a wry comment about could well be reading this blog.

The lack of anonymity that I’ve given myself worries me a bit. Surely any future employer is going to google my name and find things that I’ve written going back a number of years? And without the context of all of the other rubbish I’ve ever written, am I going to one day be answering questions about teamwork and problem solving in a job interview, before suddenly being asked why I think that slavery should be legalised?

Gah, I should have used a pseudonym.

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Looking Busy
October 27th, 2006 at 14:28

If there’s one thing that I’m terrible at, its horse riding. If there’s two things I’m terrible at, its horse riding and looking busy.

I hate arriving early for things and having to wait around- for some reason I can’t just seem to stand there patiently. As time goes on I get more and more agitated and concious of the fact that people passing me by might think that I’m mental, just because I’m standing there doing nothing.

I’ll check my watch multiple times a minute, and deliberately spend an extra few seconds looking at it, in order to kill time. I’ll check the headlines on my phone, and then scroll through the menus looking for something to do. I might even load up an asteroids clone on there, only to realise that its terrible.

If I’m standing about in a uni building, looking busy becomes slightly easier- there’s noticeboards about the place full of exciting announcements. “The squash club meets on Wednesdays at 4pm… fascinating“, I think to myself. “Bugger me! The third year arts management seminar has been moved to a different room!“. The trouble is that I’m concious of the fact that I might subconciously be exaggerating my movements, in order to explain to any on-lookers what I’m doing. I worry that I might be pointing at whatever poster I’m reading, or stroking my chin making an elongated “Hmm” noise.

The noticeboards at work aren’t as good for looking busy as this. There’s only one board, and that’s for the trade union. I can tell you all about the rights of gay and lesbian employees now.

Sometimes if I’m early to work, I’ll walk into town. The trouble is that I have no real purpose in doing so, so end up looking and feeling like one of the pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto, just circulating the streets waiting for a mad man to slash me up with a Samaurai sword. I quite like going into Virgin Megastores and browsing the CDs- as at least then I can kill some time by flicking through the racks looking for anything I might like, before deciding that I can’t afford anything.

The horrible thing is that I still buy stuff. I’ll buy things like CDs just to avoid spending a couple of minutes with nothing to do… why else would I own Audioslave’s latest album?

How do you look busy? How do you kill time? Please let me know in the comments.

(Top Tip! Google Reader works on mobile phones! This is excellent as you can read hundreds of feeds on your phone and look like you’re doing something vaguely important, when in reality all you’re doing is seeing what dictionary.com’s word of the day is.)

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