Holy Statistics, Batman! When regular blogging topics collide!
December 8th, 2007 at 16:59

I noticed something peculiar earlier – Facebook network pages have lots of statistics about the people in the network – percentage male and female, a breakdown of political leanings, that sort of the thing, but there is one obvious statistical breakdown they’ve missed though, which strikes me as odd considering they collect the data in a regimented, easily counted way: religion.

I find it slightly perplexing that at a glance I can discover that 8% of my university colleagues define themselves as liberal, and 3% of them are married, but not find out which strand of bullshit most of them believe. I’m actually tempted to play the “political correctness gone mad” card.

So given that I love facebook, pie charts and slagging off religion, I took it upon myself to generate the statistics myself. As I am a man of science, I don’t want to create the impression that this pie-chart is at all accurate, fair, or representative. There’s the usual caveats of this is only made up of the 1126 people who are less feckless than the 5359 other people at my university who have neglected to enter a religion in the religion box on their profile.

This basically means that the people (women) who have it listed that they’re “spiritual” because they occasionally buy scented candles don’t count. Likewise entries like “none” and misspellings haven’t been counted because I’m not willing to count this manually. The benefit of this though is that the people who do count have clearly at least thought about their religious position enough to fill it in with something coherent, so they can probably explain their beliefs (but probably not justify them in the case of the theists… zing).

As you’d expect, the big religions – Christianity, Islam and Hinduism have the largest market share of the theists, with 38%, 14%, and 18% respectively. Excellently though, it appears that there are lots of Atheists and Agnostics (and Pastafarians) – about 29% of people are going to be predisposed towards acting rationally in all situations. This probably isn’t surprising unless like me, you spend your free time on YouTube getting annoyed at creationist videos, though.

What I find slightly surprising is that considering there’s five Jews, which is a sort of proper religion, there’s 5 “Wiccan” people. Or to give them their proper name “attention seekers who used to be goths when they were teenagers”. Similarly, there’s four “pagan” people, which is slightly bewildering, as they can’t even use the theist, cough, “reasoning”, cough, that loads of people believe what they believe, “so it must be true”.

So there you have it – a breakdown of the religions at my university, as derived from some unreliable statistics.

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Picking on people who share names with bastards
November 19th, 2007 at 16:56

I’ve invented a new game. Its called “How many people on Facebook share a name with someone I don’t like?”. I’ve been trying to think of a snappier title, but the best I can come up with has to be read in a Scottish accent: “Guess who many?“.

It turns out that there’s loads of unfortunate people in the world. Here’s a top-13 list of some unlucky people cursed with sharing a name with some truly dreadful people:

1. Nick Griffin – 274
2. David Cameron – 252
3. James Blunt – 171
4. David Mellor – 47
5. Jeffrey Archer – 37
6. Maxine Carr – 12
7. Richard Blackwood – 12
8. Richard Littlejohn – 8
9. Ian Huntley – 5
10. Vernon Kay – 3
11. Lowri Turner – 2
12. Madeleine McCann – 1
13. Adolf Hitler – 0

There are 171 James Blunts in the world. I especially feel sorry for the ugly ones, who have the joke set up for them by their namesake. At least no one named their kids Adolf Hitler, I guess.

I feel sorry for the Madeleine McCann on there – every day she must glance at the Daily Express front page on the way to work, only to learn that she’s either alive, dead, or whether or not her parents killed her, depending on the editorial slant the paper are taking that day. And every time her location is questioned, it must sound like some sort of sick joke, rather than a genuine enquiry. I hope she’s not planning any trips to Portugal otherwise we could be in for a year of the press saying “Maddy has been found” and then speculation on how she’s managed to age by 20 years.

And the poor other Richard Littlejohns – if they Google for their own name, as people (er, I) sometimes do, they might inadvertently think that I hate them.

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Weekend in Review #1
November 19th, 2007 at 00:04

I’ve had an idea for a new regular feature. I say “regularl – I can’t guarantee that at this stage. This could fall flat quicker than the Trumpet Blog. The idea is that I’ll review things I’ve been doing, like a critic would, and you can read it and value my opinion when judging whether or not to participate in an activity similar in nature to what I’ve been doing.

Robin Hood

About a year ago, I wrote a rather unkind review of the BBC’s attempt at doing Robin Hood, and then a few weeks ago admitted to giving it another chance. Inexplicably, the series has continued to grow on me, and its got to a point where I’m recognising and even appreciating the series-long sub-plot. It’s surprisingly watchable. I think this is because this series they seem to have ditched any attempt at historical accuracy, and have basically turned it into a middle-ages version of the Flintstones. In one episode, the Sheriff of Nottingham sets up a Vegas-style casino – and I’m pretty sure they didn’t have those in the olden days.

In a nutshell: “A weapon-carrying criminal who constantly evades the law is the perfect mascot for Nottingham”. 8/10

Top Gear

I watched Top Gear earlier. And it was a bit shit. They’ve gone back to talking about cars, rather than going on road-trips and having totally unscripted and unplanned banter. One thing that bothered me more this week than it has before was Jeremy Clarkson was more noticeably twatty than usual. I mean, obviously he’s always been a twat, but his tired old attacks on environmentalists have got boring when not done in a clever way, and he seems to get more xenophobic as time goes on. By the time he retires and the genes that make old people racist kick in, he’ll presumably be the most racist person in the country. Richard Hammond and James May are nearly as bad, but they still retain their position as the “slightly likeable ones” because Clarkson keeps being even more of a twat.

In a nutshell: “Objectively speaking, cars are still boring”. 4/10

Training Pokémon

I’ve spent a sizeable proportion of this weekend playing Pokémon again. I really want to beat the Elite 4, and thus complete the game, as I’m so horrendously close it’d be silly not to. To this end, I’ve been levelling up a Snover in Victory Road using an Experience Share. Its nicely relaxing, as you can train whilst watching telly (see above), and is slightly more productive than playing Solitaire.

In a nutshell: “That’s right, I play Pokémon”. 8/10

Finally writing something on the blog

You might have noticed, but blogging has been a bit slow as of late. I’ve had a massive bout of writer’s block. Sure, I’ve done the odd thing, but I’ve literally been devoid of inspiration, which has been irritating. I think I’d have written more with both arms broken and a recent bereavement than with writer’s block.

Thankfully though, I appear to be slowly overcoming this. Look! This is the third thing I’ve written today!

In a nutshell: “More obscure CD reviews and blogs about gigs you didn’t go to coming soon!” 9/10

Super Mario Galaxy

On Friday, the new Wii Mario game came out, and so far, it has been bloody marvellous. The hopeless Princess has been kidnapped again (it is Mario), so you’ve got to faff about in an implausible universe collecting stars that will somehow get her back.

The most amazing thing about the game though is the level design. It is spectacular. I thought some of the Zelda dungeons were pretty complex, but Mario takes this to a whole new, er, level. Most of the levels take place over several tiny “planets”, which are entirely spherical and you can walk entirely around – once you solve the planet’s “puzzle”, you’ll be able to get to the next one, and so on. It is amazing though – you’ll traverse one area, only to end up with the gravity flipping and you’ll find yourself having to cross the same area but in an entirely new way. Spectacular.

In a nutshell: “Lets-a-go… and buy it”. 9/10

Focus 800w Halogen Heater

Bloody hell, its been freezing lately. Its why I got a new heater for my room. Its pretty excellent. I mean, I’m not heating expert, and don’t spend my time on heater message boards or anything, but it seems to do the job. It puts out so much heat that it makes the air go wobbly directly in front of it, and will grill your legs. Take that, shit weather!

In a nutshell: “Bit warm in here, eh?”. 10/10

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Fairground Idea
August 11th, 2007 at 23:14

I’ve had an incredible idea for a new travelling funfair. The business plan is impeccable, because business is at the very heart of my idea.

Basically, each attraction would be priced individually, and the prices would vary according to market conditions. If not many people are using it the price will go down, and if its popular the price will go up: supply and demand, basically.

What would I call my fair? The Laissez-Fair, of course.

For example, rather than the queue for the dodgems being massive and no one wanting a go on the rigged coconut shy, the dodgems would be priced highly and the coconut shy would be dirt cheap… but would still turn a profit because the coconuts would be glued down.

There would be no queues because the visitors would be manipulated by changing prices, ensuring an equal spread of people throughout the fair.

Thinking this through, I could theme the entire fair around macro-economics. Those bungie capsule things could have the two towers at painted up like graph axis and it could be a homage to elasticity of demand? The ferris wheel? The economic cycle. Roller coaster? From the side it’d look like a graph of boom and bust. I’m still trying to think of a way to link the log-flume to trickle down economics.

There could be a terrifying new ride like those machines that hoist you up and then let you fall to the ground at speed. It could be called “Black Wednesday”.

I can’t see how this can possibly fail, as it would be self regulating. Crowds would be consistent throughout the week rather than it being packed on Friday and Saturday nights, as people would deliberately time their visits for when it is cheaper, so they’d never be any off-peak periods when its too expensive to keep the place open. Competitors wouldn’t have a chance, because if they tried to muscle in on the economics-themed-fairground market, they’d be pushed out using my rapid reaction market forces, as my prices would fall when demand is diluted by rivals. And in terms of social benefits, it will school people in basic economics – which is a valuable public service.

Look out for me on Dragons Den.

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The Next Great Invention
July 24th, 2007 at 01:15

I wonder when the history books are written, what will be the great inventions of the modern era? When future archaeologists are piecing together the remains of our society after the inevitable nuclear holocaust, what inventions are they going to single out as pivotal and important to 21st century technology? Who will be remembered as the next Babbage? The next Edison? The next Berners-Lee?

Unfortunately, I think its fairly unlikely that it’s going to be me – aside from being little more than a distraction from humankind’s pursuit of knowledge, writing drivel tends to have a limited shelf life. Especially when you have as many awkward pop-culture references forced in as I do. Its why nobody finds Love Thy Neighbour funny anymore. The same applies to Fred Basset… then again, maybe he was never funny.

Even if on the off-chance my writing on here does survive for hundreds of years, no one will read it in the way I’ve intended – it’ll be used by English teachers to torture kids with. Children will have to write timed essays over-analysing everything I’m saying, and describing how I foreshadow towards later events in my work. (Spoiler: the last word in this blog entry will be ’stuff’).

So I sort of wish that I’d gone down the career path of learning how to make stuff. Useful stuff – like what an engineer might make. I could have pioneered a new type of bridge and opened up a new passage to India by building a bridge all the way there. But no, I strangled my engineering talents at birth and stamped on its bloody corpse. Its a shame, as I’ve had some really good ideas for things that haven’t been invented yet, but I’m not capable of making them myself.

Why hasn’t anyone invented a GPS PDA, where you can set up a “to do” list with co-ordinates of where you need to do them? If the PDA detects that you’re in the area, it could make a noise to remind you to do something. It’d be tremendously useful for non-time sensitive things like “remember to buy that CD” when you’re in the vicinity of the town centre, or “remember to get your watch fixed”. (The latter wouldn’t be time sensitive because you’d have no way of knowing what the time is, obviously).

On a similar note, how about an in-car GPS system with an “I’m picking people up” mode, where you can put in the locations of everyone who’s going somewhere with you, and the destination where you ultimately want to be, and it’ll guide you on the most efficient route to all of your friends and the destination. Who knows… this could save literally minutes of time maybe. I think I’m just slightly obsessive-compulsive when it comes to efficiency.

Why isn’t there a social networking website where your profile is a bit like a Wiki, and your friends, but not yourself, are able to edit your profile at will to try and describe what you’re really like? In fact, I’m surprised this isn’t already a Facebook application.

And here’s an idea for a Wiki that I’m too lazy to make: whytheyrebastards.com, which is basically like a sensationalist version of Knowmore, listing reasons why you should hate certain companies or people. It’d be dead good, and useful reference for when you want to slag something off on an internet forum.

I’ve also had a great idea for a new TV innovation. When TV was invented they were little square things. This was then improved and they got a little bit bigger, then in the 90s, Widescreen suddenly became the in-thing. It’s all well and good being able to see extra at the sides of the picture… so why can’t we have more picture at the top and bottom? The next logical evolution would be Tallscreen TVs – all you’d need is a couple of inches on the top and bottom of the picture. They could make it, say, three quarters of the width tall. It’d be excellent – I can’t believe anyone hasn’t thought of it.

I wish I was an inventor so I could make this stuff.

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New Layout!
July 23rd, 2007 at 02:23

Notice anything different? I got tired of looking like everyone else, so I’ve updated my blog’s layout.

If you’re reading via RSS, now would be a good time to click in to see what I’m talking about.

There’s no major changes besides what you can see – they’re entirely superficial. I’ve basically bolted on a Batmobile-style fin, put some neons underneath and added some of those hubcaps that make it look like the wheels are still spinning when the car is stationary. Underneath all of the plastic tat its still a Fiat Punto inside.

I’ve arranged everything into neat boxes to satisfy my obsessive-compulsive ordering desires. I’ve also boosted up the font-size of posts – although this is mainly for selfish reasons. I run a 19″ monitor at 1280×1024 that’s set quite far back on my desk, so it makes easier for me to see. I quite like the bigger font as it makes me feel more important. Like I’m shouting my opinions at you and you’re being forced to listen.

What do you think? Why not post a comment and tell me – that would also be useful to check whether comments are still working. If anything isn’t, drop me an e-mail on the address above.

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Political Metrics
July 22nd, 2007 at 01:20

Politicians have always had a problem attracting young people. If you’re a boring old fart who’s idea of an exciting evening is discussing the finer points of the Private Finance Initiative or the latest movements in the Hungarian interest rate, then young people are going to think that you’re the most irritatingly tedious person alive. Its why politicians go out of their way to explain why they love the Arctic Monkeys.

But how can we judge a politician’s popularity with the ‘yoof’ of today? I think my friend Michael and I have stumbled upon an exciting new way to take metrics on just how popular politicians are: Facebook groups.

(Readers! If you have a Facebook account, it will massively enhance the rest of this post – it’s like having digital telly and press red. You’re able to pointlessly switch over from Tim Henman losing at Wimbledon to a couple of nobodies on Court 4 battling it out.)

On Facebook, you have the ability to create and join groups where you can discuss common interests or state your allegiance with a cause. Whilst this is invariably sickeningly studenty topics like “Fun House Appreciation Society” or “Bring back the Crystal Maze” (if that were a manifesto commitment the party would be practically guaranteed victory), there are some political groups too. And I think the groups say a lot about politicians. Here are some examples:

Lets start with someone obvious: the Boris Johnson appreciation society has over 12,000 members.

‘Stop David Cameron… his lies make baby Jesus cry‘ has 1200 members. Meanwhile, he has 62 members in his ‘appreciation society‘, although to be fair, there are a number of pro-Cameron groups so the membership is probably fairly fragmented.

One of the more bewildering groups is the (brace yourself for this) David Davis Appreciation Society. W..W…What? David Davis. Really. It has 40 members.

Tessa Jowell has exactly seven fans. Charles Clarke has an incredible ten.

The group “Iain Duncan Smith, I love you“, generously calls IDS “only slightly inept”. The man who thinks that tax cuts will heal deep personal problems and cause less marriages to fall apart has only three fans. This is pretty pathetic when you consider that Alistair Darling’s eyebrows alone have exactly 24 times as many supporters.

‘Michael Meacher‘ for PM. Two members. One of them is… Michael Meacher.

‘Hazel Blears depreciation society‘… 151 members. ‘Hazel Blears – what a fox‘… 20 members. Telling.

There are 3,500 nutcases who ‘appreciate’ Margaret Thatcher. The Anti-Thatcher league only has 640 members. Damn.
‘Ruth Kelly is shit and should resign‘ – 16 members. ‘Sack Ruth Kelly‘ – 21 members. ‘I support Ruth Kelly‘ – er, 2 members.

George Osbourne has 102 fans and 94 anti-fans. Which shows that there is something slightly wrong with the world.

So what does this prove? Some people like politicians and other people don’t. What a revelation.

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Mauled by a cat
July 14th, 2007 at 16:27

I experienced a bit of a cat-astrophy last night. You could say that I’ve been feline a little hurt and injured. I was at party, and, as you do at parties, I tried to pet the cat. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to enjoy my attempts to swish my hand across its back in an affectionate way – you could say that I figuratively stroked it the wrong way. (I was stroking it the right way).

I don’t know what it is with cats, they just don’t seem to like me. This one included. Look what it did to my previously-lovely hand:

I don’t think I’m a pussy for complaining. It really hurt.

The most depressing thing about this is that this seems to be the thanks I get after supporting cats for all of these years. Everyday, via the magic of Google Reader, I read four different cat blogs. And I’m not even joking to exaggerate my point. They are: The Daily Kitten, Stuff on my Cat, Meme Cats, I can has Cheezburger, and there’s maybe ten other animal blogs which regularly feature pictures of cats.

Unfortuantely, this incident has shattered my perception of cats as decent animals. I’ll only ever see them like this from now on.

Well done, cats.

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Top Books
July 2nd, 2007 at 17:49

Warning: If you thought James O’Malley wasn’t an elitist twat, and want to retain this delusion, you might want to skip this one. May I recommend watching this video (again?) instead?

I’ve been having a look around Facebook again. One of the best features is that it splits users into different university networks, so you can see other people at your university and so on. What makes this interesting is that it makes it possible to generate statistics about the most popular TV shows/activities/etc at each university based on what people have put into their profiles. What makes this interesting is that I’ve figured out that it is possible to compare these statistics with those from other universities.

So I’ve decided to compare the Top 10 books from my university, a former polytechnic, with those from the university where I’m going to apply to do an MA next year, a “proper university” in London (whether I’ll get in there is a question for another blog entry). See if you can guess which list goes with which university.

List #1

1. 1984
2. Lord Of The Rings
3. Pride And Prejudice
4. Memoirs Of A Geisha
5. Wuthering Heights
6. Lolita
7. Harry Potter
8. To Kill A Mockingbird
9. The Picture Of Dorian Gray
10. Rebecca

There’s loads of “classics” listed there. Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights and so on- the sort of thing I wouldn’t read but would like to create the impression that I would tolerate, as it’s a high culture thing. It has 1984 at number one. People at this university must be excellent.

List #2

1. Harry Potter
2. Da Vinci Code
3. Angels And Demons
4. The Bible
5. Lord Of The Rings
6. 1984
7. Pride And Prejudice
8. Dan Brown Books
9. Cosmopolitan

A children’s book, three trashy Dan Brown novels, the most evil book ever written, and a magazine.

Have you guessed yet? The first list in the uni in London, and the second is my university. The disparity in… high culture… really is that clear.

What makes this more depressing is that I have not made a mistake on the second list above – there really is only nine entries in my university’s top ten books.

I’m not trying to slag off my university here, as it’s alright really. I just think its an interesting comparison – almost as if there is still a class divide between universities and polytechnics. If I were a better elite hacker, I’d write something that compares every university. But alas, I’m not.

In summary: Statistics are fun!

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Artificial Intelligence
July 1st, 2007 at 23:51

For years now, scientists have been working on artificial intelligence. They’d love it if they could build a computer that can think for itself, and think like a human. Personally, I can’t see what all of the fuss is about – I think giving a computer human traits would be the worst thing in the world.

Imagine if you were a computer programmer and writing software with an emotional programming language…

“Another loop? It’s just one thing after another, isn’t it? ”

“What do you mean you can’t parse me? Sometimes I feel like no one understands me ”

“Batch processing? You always make me do the boring stuff. I want to write poetry ”

“Grr… I saw you earlier exchanging data with that PDA! Don’t lie to me, you had your hands all over it! I thought I was the only computer in your life!”

“It looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like help?”

A human-like brain would presumably lead to human-like mental conditions. You might have a web server obsessed that whilst being incredibly powerful and methodically organised, has compatibility issues with others. It’d be an ASPie. (This is literally the nerdiest joke I’ve ever made).

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

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