Play knifely, kids
January 14th, 2008 at 17:57

“Computer games are causing knife crime!” would be a succinct way of putting what Gordon Brown said this week whilst pandering to The Sun’s sensationalist editorial line. Quite right he is too – why would there be a complex sociological cause of knife crime amongst young people, perhaps “inequality, poverty and social dissatisfaction”, like a report by Kings College academics said, when there’s a much easier to blame, fear-inducing “man on the street” scapegoat answer?

Video games, amongst the mainstream media, always seem to get a rough ride. Despite being a bigger slice of the entertainment industry pie than the film industry, they’re derided as puerile and not a serious medium for expression, unlike books, film and unmade beds.

You’d be forgiven for thinking that games are all inherently evil and that obviously playing a game that simulates, say, tennis, is going to turn young people into crazed killing machines, given how often computer games are given the blame.

I disagree with this – as if you’re going to claim that knife crime is caused by violent video games, then why isn’t there a similar claim that there’s been massive upsurge in deaths caused by alien invasions or monkeys throwing barrels since the 1980s?

I’ve been playing computer games for years, and whilst I’m socially malnourished and sunlight now burns my pale skin, I’m pretty sure I’m not a psychopath. I’ve never felt a great desire to recreate games in real life – although after a week long minesweeper binge a couple of years ago, I did briefly for a few days after start imagining everything I saw as if it were made up of grey squares surrounded by numbers.

This all said, I think it is possible to use computer games for evil – not the obvious evils like “being violent towards people”, but some of the underlying concepts in the most innocuous games arguably have a sinister undertone…

Take Tetris, for example – on the surface it looks like a simple, yet frighteningly addictive block stacking puzzle, but dig a little deeper and you’ll see that its encouraging you to create rigid order from chaos – it wants the blocks that fall, and you the player – to conform to the pre-determined system, and is rewarding this conformity with points – a proxy for currency. It is essentially a thinly veiled exercise in pushing unfettered capitalism.

Solitaire is much the same. The reason they have it on computers in offices isn’t just because its on the default windows installation – its training office workers to relinquish any creativity and become mere drones, or machines, endlessly stacking up cards in order so that ultimately every pack of virtual cards will be identical.

The most evil game though, is probably the Mario games. On the surface, they look like a delightful cartoon romp in fantasy land, but if you look at the plot of the games, they’re about an ordinary worker, a plumber, conscripting himself to go to (an albeit colourful) war to rescue the Princess and restore an absolute monarchy that wields unlimited power to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom, crushing the brief freedom that the citizens may have encountered. The villain, Bowser, has been unfairly demonised to create a common enemy for Mario & co to unite against, preventing any internal dissent. And at the end of each level, Mario takes with him a power star – essentially the spoils of war.

In essence, Mario is preparing the youth of today for the wars of tomorrow. Maybe computer games are evil?

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Weekend in Review #1
November 19th, 2007 at 00:04

I’ve had an idea for a new regular feature. I say “regularl – I can’t guarantee that at this stage. This could fall flat quicker than the Trumpet Blog. The idea is that I’ll review things I’ve been doing, like a critic would, and you can read it and value my opinion when judging whether or not to participate in an activity similar in nature to what I’ve been doing.

Robin Hood

About a year ago, I wrote a rather unkind review of the BBC’s attempt at doing Robin Hood, and then a few weeks ago admitted to giving it another chance. Inexplicably, the series has continued to grow on me, and its got to a point where I’m recognising and even appreciating the series-long sub-plot. It’s surprisingly watchable. I think this is because this series they seem to have ditched any attempt at historical accuracy, and have basically turned it into a middle-ages version of the Flintstones. In one episode, the Sheriff of Nottingham sets up a Vegas-style casino – and I’m pretty sure they didn’t have those in the olden days.

In a nutshell: “A weapon-carrying criminal who constantly evades the law is the perfect mascot for Nottingham”. 8/10

Top Gear

I watched Top Gear earlier. And it was a bit shit. They’ve gone back to talking about cars, rather than going on road-trips and having totally unscripted and unplanned banter. One thing that bothered me more this week than it has before was Jeremy Clarkson was more noticeably twatty than usual. I mean, obviously he’s always been a twat, but his tired old attacks on environmentalists have got boring when not done in a clever way, and he seems to get more xenophobic as time goes on. By the time he retires and the genes that make old people racist kick in, he’ll presumably be the most racist person in the country. Richard Hammond and James May are nearly as bad, but they still retain their position as the “slightly likeable ones” because Clarkson keeps being even more of a twat.

In a nutshell: “Objectively speaking, cars are still boring”. 4/10

Training Pokémon

I’ve spent a sizeable proportion of this weekend playing Pokémon again. I really want to beat the Elite 4, and thus complete the game, as I’m so horrendously close it’d be silly not to. To this end, I’ve been levelling up a Snover in Victory Road using an Experience Share. Its nicely relaxing, as you can train whilst watching telly (see above), and is slightly more productive than playing Solitaire.

In a nutshell: “That’s right, I play Pokémon”. 8/10

Finally writing something on the blog

You might have noticed, but blogging has been a bit slow as of late. I’ve had a massive bout of writer’s block. Sure, I’ve done the odd thing, but I’ve literally been devoid of inspiration, which has been irritating. I think I’d have written more with both arms broken and a recent bereavement than with writer’s block.

Thankfully though, I appear to be slowly overcoming this. Look! This is the third thing I’ve written today!

In a nutshell: “More obscure CD reviews and blogs about gigs you didn’t go to coming soon!” 9/10

Super Mario Galaxy

On Friday, the new Wii Mario game came out, and so far, it has been bloody marvellous. The hopeless Princess has been kidnapped again (it is Mario), so you’ve got to faff about in an implausible universe collecting stars that will somehow get her back.

The most amazing thing about the game though is the level design. It is spectacular. I thought some of the Zelda dungeons were pretty complex, but Mario takes this to a whole new, er, level. Most of the levels take place over several tiny “planets”, which are entirely spherical and you can walk entirely around – once you solve the planet’s “puzzle”, you’ll be able to get to the next one, and so on. It is amazing though – you’ll traverse one area, only to end up with the gravity flipping and you’ll find yourself having to cross the same area but in an entirely new way. Spectacular.

In a nutshell: “Lets-a-go… and buy it”. 9/10

Focus 800w Halogen Heater

Bloody hell, its been freezing lately. Its why I got a new heater for my room. Its pretty excellent. I mean, I’m not heating expert, and don’t spend my time on heater message boards or anything, but it seems to do the job. It puts out so much heat that it makes the air go wobbly directly in front of it, and will grill your legs. Take that, shit weather!

In a nutshell: “Bit warm in here, eh?”. 10/10

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Paris Miscellaneous
August 7th, 2007 at 23:56

I can’t think of anything else to write about my trip to Paris, so you may be delighted to hear this is probably going to be my last post about it. There’s several other things I wanted to tell you about, but try as I might, I can’t seem to pad them out to full blog-entry sized. So here are some micro-anecdotes of varying tedium:

Anecdote Number One

We went to Les Invalides, which used to be a military hospital and is now the war museum and houses Napoleon’s tomb. The war museum was excellent. It was like being in a Medal of Honor theme park. You walked through in chronological order the history of French military defeats between 1871 and 1945. Its interesting to see the old WWII kit up close, as the rocket launchers in real life look just like they do in the game. I can’t say I learnt anything new, but there was some cracking maps of various alliance systems and stuff like that. They even had a full size V2 rocket on display.

Napoleon’s tomb was ace too. Not really sure why as it was just a dead bloke in a big box, and you couldn’t really see the dead bloke. But they had his famous hat and coat on display. There was also the (much smaller) tomb of Napoleon II. He was the less famous one – roughly analogous to Jonathan Dimbleby.

Anecdote Number Two

We went on a boat tour along the Seine. It wasn’t bad… it was in-Seine. It turns out that we were on a boat tour famous enough to get its own Wikipedia page. It was pretty good, although the commentary was pretty lacking. It basically consisted of the pre-recorded narrator saying things like “To starboard, is the Eiffel Tower… it is very big” – statements with very little substance or historical context. It played about eight languages one after each other, so if you were listening in Japanese, you probably wouldn’t know what you were looking at until you’d passed it.

Anecdote Number Three

Whilst my holiday was an unmitigated success in both its execution and the results that it yielded, there was an unacceptable level of collateral damage. After one day in the field, my two-month-old PDA has died. The screen has sustained a gigantic wound on the screen rendering it unusable.

So I’ve had a look at the travel insurance details, and here’s a paraphrase of all of the things they don’t insure as part of the travel insurance package:

• Valuables
• Breakables
• Durables
• Things you have taken on holiday

Expect a post complaining about insurance: soon.

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Things that I like
February 7th, 2007 at 03:06

They say that everyone’s a critic. I don’t think that’s necessarily true, as I once knew a woman who never once expressed an opinion. The closest she came to manoeuvring her facial features into anything other than a blank indifference was an emotionless wide eyed stare. I think her favourite colour would have been grey, if she’d had dared to pick and admit to having a favourite.

As an interesting contrast: I have opinions! Exciting opinions, on things that you too can purchase and enjoy. Here are some things that I have enjoyed recently, where you can witness my incredible descriptive powers and reviewing skillz: which is basically a list of synonyms for “excellent”.

24 (Sky One, Sundays)

As I’ve explained in previous blog entries, 24 is my favourite TV show. Its full of fast paced shooting, political intrigue and mental plot twists. I think in a lot of ways, I live a similar life to Jack Bauer: I’m a westernised, heterosexual male and I live my life according to a 24 hour clock. Basically the only difference is that I sleep more.

Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe (BBC Four, Mondays)

Actually, 24 isn’t my favourite TV show. Well, maybe it is. I don’t know any more. But anyway, a new series of this has just started and I was crying with laughter throughout. Basically, I’d like to emulate this guys career in its entirety. I just tried to look for a clip of this on YouTube in order to illustrate my point about how brilliant it is, but I ended up spending an hour watching the clips myself.

Capdown’s New Album (Wind Up Toys)

As long term readers might have guessed, I like Capdown. They’ve released a new album, finally, after approximately a billion years. Unlike their older stuff, its a lot more polished, I think. It’s dead good, though – I’m going to listen to it constantly in preparation for going to see them again next week.

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Wii)

I should probably point out that I’m not listing these things in the order of which I like most- otherwise Zelda would be at the top. I’m currently 35 hours into the game, and have maybe one or two dungeons to go, and it is without a doubt one of the best games I’ve ever played. I’ve been playing it especially heavily over the past couple of weeks, to the point where I’m now expecting objects appear with a Z-target arrow over them, and I’m expecting everyone I talk to to drop subtle hints at what I should do next by highlighting key words in red. I also expect to be able to solve any problem that confronts me by solving a logic puzzle- by pushing blocks or shooting arrows, that sort of thing. I’d be lying if I said that whilst I was being nearly mugged yesterday that my brain didn’t briefly consider the situation in terms of Zelda combat.

Everything about it so excellently perfect. The thing that I really like is that there is so much freedom, so many things to do, so many places to go in such a vast world- ’sandbox’ games like Grand Theft Auto have nothing on Zelda. You should buy a Wii so that you can play this game. It’s depressing to think that in maybe a few days or weeks time it’ll all be over, and I’ll have to wait another five years for the next one.

Mark Steel’s Vive La Revolution (it’s a book)

Stand up comedian Mark Steel has written a history of the French revolution, and it’s good because it does it with laughs. It was interesting to see that he recycles some of the jokes from his stand-up (and TV) material in it – this proves that you can become successful by repeatedly peddling your old material. I’ll be taking this advice on board.

The book’s good though, and yes, I would recommend it to a friend. It was especially good that when it name-dropped people like Kant, it felt like it was relevant to my course, making reading it seem like less of a waste of time, than reading, say, the, er, ‘laugh-a-minute’ guide to Neoliberalism: Power and Interdependence: World Politics in Transition (Keohane and Nye).

So yeah, that was a list of things I like. Why not go and buy the same things as what I own, and should we ever meet, we can express our mutual enjoyment of aforementioned things and avoid having to admit we have nothing else in common to talk about.

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Halo 3 available first in Iraq
January 2nd, 2007 at 00:32

I read with interest that Microsoft have, in an excellent publicity stunt act of charity, sent out beta copies of Halo 3 to the American soldiers in Iraq, to let them have a go.

Is it me, or is sending them a shooting game in slightly poor taste? Not only are they getting the troops to beta test their own flawed product, they’re saying “you’re not good enough at your job [killing people], have some more practice”*. Playing Halo 3 must be a bit of a busman’s holiday – like giving a milkman a cow, or a terminally ill patient a new disease.

I think its terrifying that the people out in Iraq sort-of representing my country in an illegal war are essentially being trained by a video game. They’ll get to shoot innocent civilians when they’re off duty too. Surely it will make them more daring, as they just think they’ll respawn at the nearest checkpoint when they die?

I think it might also cause trouble for the military higher-ups, and might get the soldiers to ask some awkward questions:

• “How come the soldiers in the game have all of the necessary equipment that they need?”
• “Why do the guns in the game never stop working despite the desert conditions?”
• “Why isn’t there caches of ammo, force fields and health lying around on the streets of Tikrit?”
• “Why is there no prisoner abuse mini game?”

I think they should have sent them copies of The Sims, so that they’d learn a bit more about winning hearts and minds, and wouldn’t have to fiddle with awkward dual-analogue controls.

(* quip credit: Katy. Yeah, I’m stealing other people’s material.)

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What I did this morning…
December 16th, 2006 at 21:38

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Wii
December 14th, 2006 at 21:26

Today I did something incredibly dangerous. Before I started, I had to sign a release form, stating that I can’t hold them responsible if I get injured or possibly killed. I had to read a laminated safety briefing. I knew that what I was about to do was going to be dangerous.

I had a go on a Wii demo kiosk in HMV. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been clever enough to pre-order, so today was my first hands on experience with the console. And even then I only got to play Tennis on Wii Sports.

I don’t think I’d be exaggerating to say just how incredible it is. I was flailing my arms about as if I was having an epileptic fit, and I didn’t seem to care that there was a crowd of people watching. It was probably more like playing real tennis than a regular video game.

And I was really getting into it, jumping about, thrashing the controller about, ducking and diving, and in retrospect, I must have looked ridiculous. Not that I cared at the time- I was too busy enjoying myself.
Despite my efforts I lost both of the sets I played, against one of the staff and another member of the public. Not that I mind- it was great fun.

And I really think Nintendo are on to something massive, here. I heard the woman I was playing against say to what I assume was her dad that they should get one. On the Paul O’Grady Show today (er, my mum was watching it), one of the guests at the end said that they wanted a Wii for Christmas- and that isn’t exactly your normal gamer demographics.

I think the Wii is going to be big. If HMV had any in stock, I would have bought one there and then.

I think the slogan is right: Playing is believing.

Nintendo! Are you reading? I run a gaming website! Why not send me a free Wii? Please!

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Cluedo
August 20th, 2006 at 01:51

Tonight, I very nearly solved a complex murder case. We (Fundar, JD and Heggs) were so sickeningly close, we were practically licking the blood off of the murder weapon and discussing its texture.

Yeah, I was playing Cluedo on an itBox quiz machine in a pub. I love games that trivialise murder.

The trouble is, we’re essentially playing a game of chance that has variable odds, against a computer that knows how good we are.

For the unitiated: you work your way around an on-screen board, answering questions on a variety of topics, and if you land on a room you get a chance to guess the murderer, the weapon and the room you’re in acts as the room you’ve guessed.

This means that you find yourself shouting things like “It’s the GINGER WOMAN with the DAGGER IN THE BACK” rather more loudly and frequently than you might have really liked to. On the plus side, my ability to explain hundreds of years of half remembered history in 15 seconds in order to suggest an answer has improved this much: a bit.

This game has also meant that my wallet has become much more managable and is no longer weighing me down. This is basically a euphenism for “it’s taking my money faster than an industrial sized vacuum cleaner pointed directly into my bank account”.

I’d say on average we’re spending collectively about 50 pence a minute in this machine. The horrible thing is that for the same price I could:

• Phone a premium rate competition
• Telephone someone in New Zealand
• Get approximately 9.6 seconds of satellite uplink from America (assuming £8/minute is what I remember reading, and I didn’t just make this up)
• Buy a can of Coke in 1998.
• Determine the outcome of a ‘heads or tails’

All five are things I’d love to do. But alas, this machine has taken over my life.

One day I’ll solve the murder. Colonel Mustard looks mighty suspicious with his big moustache and claims that he was helping kids with diseases during the time of the murder.

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Armed and harmless
April 29th, 2006 at 23:10

I was discussing with JD how long we’d last if we were conscripted in another world war. JD reckoned we’d last about ten minutes, but I think the jury’s still out on it. I mean, assuming I can’t register quickly enough to be a consciencious objector (as opposed to a careless and slapdash objector?), surely I’ve played enough computer games and watched enough TV to know the basics of being cannon fodder?

• Military sign language: you raise your fist parallel to your head to say “stop”, your hand, with fingers spread widely over your face means ambush, and karate chopping motions mean direction. Crying means that you’re surrounded by the enemy and have no hope of survival (Band of Brothers)
• Divide your men (I’d be a sergeant or corporal or something) into two teams, calling them “Alpha” and “Bravo”- you name all of the baddies “Tango” (Full spectrum warrior)
• Move and shoot, move and shoot, move and shoot (Alan Partridge)
• Right click to zoom in on your enemies, and F5 to save just before any difficult bits (MOHAA)
• Humiliate POWs to win the hearts and minds (Abu Gharib and Abu Gharib 2: The Empire takes photographs)
• You and your enemies take it in turns to attack, which makes the pacing more easy to handle (Shattered Union)
• You’ll never run out of ammunition (Quake)
• I won’t know what the terrain is like if I havn’t already walked over the area once (Most real time strategy games)
• Keep an eye out for big numbers, as they indicate how many landmines are surrounding you (Minesweeper)

Bring on the war!

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