X-Men 3
May 26th, 2006 at 00:08

I’ve got an important exam tomorrow that accounts for 50% of a module mark, and 12.5% of my final mark for the year. In order to prepare for this important exam, this evening I went to see X-Men 3.

It was X-cellent (see what I did there?). I’m not sure if it’s as good as the first two films in the franchise, but it was very enjoyable, if very, very short. (About an hour and a half).

I think the worst thing about it was that on the way to the cinema, my dad decided to spoil the film for me. For some reason, he has a compulsive urge to look up spoilers up on the internet before he watches anything- films, TV shows, even 24. Seriously. I can’t quite understand this, as surely the best part of 24 is not knowing that right at the end of the episode that Jack is going to go rogue and torture someone? He (my dad, not Jack Bauer) got surprisingly annoyed when I questioned his motivations in doing this.

But the film itself was ace. Hopefully I’ll be able to use the film to draw some parallels with reality in my politics exam in nine hours time. It tackled ethical issues and all sorts. Well, just ethical issues. One ethical issue. About people with superpowers.

But yeah, I really enjoyed it. If I were a proper film reviewer, like Jonathan Ross or his brother Paul, or one of the Newsnight Review team, I’d probably have something a bit more insightful to say than “It was good, I enjoyed it”, but alas, I’m not Paul Ross (“THIS IS THE BEST FILM EVER. I LOVE EVERYTHING! 11/10!”) or Germaine Greer (“The themes of good vs evil are reflective of society today and I’m going to tenuously link it to an obscure philosopher”).

Nine on Ten.

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Abandoned
May 16th, 2006 at 22:25

I discovered on Sunday that my parents were going to Menorca for a week. From yesterday.

Well, that’s a slight exaggeration, but it was quite a shock for me to discover that my sister and I are having to fend for ourselves. To make matters worse, I’m not allowed to use the car for a week, so they’ve effectively broken my legs and taken the dishwasher (ie: my mother) with them. The plan is to buy some paper plates and plastic cutlery and cups. Or rather, I would, if I could drive to a shop.

Not satisfied with leaving their kids in the drought-striken famine-hole that is South Leicestershire, they’ve sent me a number of picture messages of them jangling my car keys, just to taunt me.

In retaliation, I sent them a picture message back of the wild teenage party we were obviously having in their absence.

Yes, that is a screencap from the BBC One “rave” ident, that I’ve cropped and made slightly grainier.

Other than this, things are going alright so far. I went to the University “workbank” today after seeing a poster (ie: analogue banner-ad) that suggested that they were looking for |33t h4X0rs like me, saying “We’re looking for people who know PHP/MySQL/Java/HTML/CSS/GNVQ/ICQ/AOL/WTF”. I went in and the conversation went something like (ie: exactly like) this:

Enter James.
“Hello, is this the workbank?”

“Yes”

“I saw a poster advertising for people with programming skillz”

“We don’t have any jobs in that field at the moment but we do have waitressing”

“I’ll erm… come back another day, then”.

James exits stage left.
I was annoyed by this exchange because the woman didn’t even humour me by tapping at her computer or pretending to check whether there was any jobs. She just continued to look at me in a patronising way and apparently just knew that there wasn’t any jobs.

Incidentally, I’ve got my first day as an exam invigilator tomorrow, which should be… interesting. Tune in tomorrow to find out how I get on.

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New Laptop
May 1st, 2006 at 18:58

The most bizarre thing happend yesterday morning. My mum came into my room.

No, that’s not the bizarre thing- it’s what she said that was strange.

She told me I was going to buy a (new) laptop. “Alright”, I replied. This, coming from the woman who for the past six months has been telling me to “get a job” because I don’t have any “money”, and how I shouldn’t spend money. Just the other day, I had a loud and shouty argument with her about getting a job and running out of money. And now I’d just witnessed the biggest policy U-turn since the Conservatives decided to try and become marginally more successful. Or for a slightly more pop-culture analogy, since Sky One decided to go upmarket (Lesbians in Lesbos was replaced by erm, more Simpsons, or something).

As it turns out, my parents are going to Menorca later this month, and they want me to spend time in the living room with my sister, and not just on my computer. This is way of meeting them in the middleground.
As long time blog readers might know, I used to have another laptop, but it died an untimely death when I worked it too hard and smacked it up a bit. It deserved it. It lasted approximately six months before the first cracks appeared. Both literally and figuratively. I’m hoping this new Gateway MX3220B, what with it being a big name up there with the likes of Somerfield and Kwik-Save will last a bit longer.

Much like how John Prescott replaced his wife with a mistress or three (including the MP for Doncaster Central, allegedly), who was (marginally) smaller, (slight) thinner and (presumably) looked nicer, I’ve done the same with my laptop. It’s got a bigger hard disk, built in wifi, but doesn’t have any built in functionality that would help make this dull paragraph any more interesting.

I had the foresight to take my USB flash memory device (pen drive) to the shop with me, meaning that on the way home, I had Netstumbler running, so I was wardriving all the way home. It was thrilling. The exciting results from this experiment allow me to conclude that a lot of people have BT Wireless routers, and approximately 50% of all wireless routers are encrypted. I’d be the first to admit that this experiment isn’t upto the same sort of calibre as my MP/Coke survey.
I’ll be taking bets on how many months this laptop will last. It nearly met an early death earlier today when my dad was taking a blind down, so thing don’t look too promising.

Also: sign up for my mailing list now, it’ll contain bonus content you won’t get on the blog! I know you’re dying for even more of me.

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Mum at Uni
April 4th, 2006 at 23:42

There was an economist called Hayek,

Who preferred the system of the free market,

He liked market liberalisation,

As it was best for the nation,

As big government is almost monarchic.

I performed another presentation at University today about my third favourite economist, Friedrich Hayek. It went a bit more successfully than my history presentation, as I didn’t break down into tears at the end. The reason I’m telling you this is because I wanted an excuse to publish my excellent limerick, which I spent more time on than actually researching the man.

This wasn’t the most exciting thing that happend at University today though. For some reason, my mother was on a training course in the building I have my lectures and seminars in. This meant she was invading my turf and cramping my style. I couldn’t have predicted it more accurately.

We ran into each other outside of a lecture theatre, where I, along with my University friends, colleagues and tutors were waiting for a lecture. “Woooo-oooh, James!”, she cried, ruffling my hair in the process, then proceeding to sort of put her arm around me. “Here’s my son!”, she remarked to her colleague. She was essentially being very mother-like… in front of all of my university friends who think I’m cool, and used to have infinite respect for my mysterious, yet cool demeanour.

It was quite possibly the most embarassing thing ever.

Thankfully, nobody said anything to me, but I could tell that they were looking at me with contempt. Contempt and admiration.

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iAmElitist
December 26th, 2005 at 02:42

Christmas is ace. More specifically: recieving presents is.

As you can see above, I recieved a lovely black iPod- it’s now loaded up with every CD I own, and every photograph on my hard disk… and still has over 20gb to spare! I’m now approximately 400% more elitist than I was before, and about 4000% more likely to get mugged on the train. Hooray!

I’d talk more about how great my iPod is but that wouldn’t make a good blog entry. What else did I do?

For some reason, my parents bought me a Telly Addicts DVD quiz game hosted by none-other than Noel Edmonds. Now, I’m not one to query the thinking behind buying gifts, and I fully admit to watching a lot of television… but unless there was either a Newsnight or News Presentation round, I think I’m slightly buggered. Nevertheless, Lucy and myself got a respectable ten points.

Luckily, the only family I’ve had to see today (Christmas day, I’m posting this after midnight), have been my grandparents. Somehow they managed to get me Tony Hawk’s American Sk8land, for the Nintendo DS. This is especially exciting as not only is it proper-3D Tony Hawk’s on a handheld system, but it’s one of the first NDS games to use wifi- I was shocked and delighted to find out that it picked up my router and got me online quick as anything. Before I knew it I was owning n00bs at skateboarding! Fingers crossed I’ll be able to take it to Uni and use the wireless network there and stick it to the man electronically!

One of the highlights of the day, because I didn’t have to talk to my family during it, was the Doctor Who Christmas Special. I enjoyed it a lot, and David Tennant looks like his performance will be this in the next series: not bad at all. The funniest part of the programme wasn’t the “oh no, that was the Lion King” line, but was in fact my mother saying “this is all a bit farfetched, isn’t it?” when the Doctor and the alient were sword fighting on the ledge of the spaceship over London. This after seeing an alien time traveller befriend a former popstar and travel the universe fighting aliens and saving the world every week, and having this weeks aliens control people via their blood, and park a huge ship of Independence Day proportions over central London.

After ‘Who we attempted to play a makeshift version of the Channel 4 gameshow, Deal or No Deal, coincidentally presented by none-other than Noel Edmonds. What this basically boiled down to was the boxes represented as marker pen on train tickets (the backs look alike), and the rest of the family not understanding my complete and utter lack of enthusiasm for a game of chance- it was like bingo or the lottery, only painfully longer.

Next we did the traditional family thing and had a game of Trivial Pursuits. It was hard to bear. By this point, I’d spent probably around 10 hours in the presence of my family. I’d have won too, only needing one more segment, but by this point we’d lost the will to live.

Overall, it was a good Christmas day- certainly better than last year. Nine on ten.

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So this is Christmas (Eve)
December 24th, 2005 at 14:31

Christ on a bike! It’s Christmas eve, and as such, I feel obliged to mention it on my blog. One of the things blogs are hyped up to do is act as an instant barometer for world reaction to big events- to the extent that the papers are pasting in what bloggeers have to say and passing it off as objective commenting. This is exactly why on July 8th of this year, a day after a small bit of London was blown up I instead linked to a silly flash film I made, and then one day later, spent a good three hundred words talking about when someone winked at me at work.

So really I should talk about Christmas.

I’d tell you all about my trip into Leicester to buy women’s tat for the women in my life (Heather, mum, sister), but that’d spoil the surprise somewhat.

I think the most festive thing I’ve done so far is watch what I assume was a Christmas special of Family Guy (it was about Christmas)- I assume the Century of Warfare Christmas Special is on Christmas Day itself.

I do like Christmas though. I mean, apart from the having to interact with my family. Presents are excellent. I mean, tangible presents, like a book or a CD. Intangible presents like car insurance can be a bit haphazardous in my experience. This is why I’ve only bought tangible gifts for everyone- a CD-R containing what Kazaa said were rare punk covers of my favourite songs, and unopened, mint condition Liberal Democrats newsletters. I bet they can’t wait.

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Fire!
December 16th, 2005 at 23:36

I was quite alarmed earlier on when two fire engines turned up outside my house. As with most excitingly looking pictures I post, there’s no interesting anecdote attached. The neighbours oven had caught fire, but it had been extinguished as soon as the fire brigade got here. It did have half the street out taking photos though.

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Failure Imminent
September 15th, 2005 at 22:54

Its now less than 12 hours until my driving test- this time tommorrow, or indeed, in twelve hours time, I could be a qualified driver. Make no mistake, I certainly won’t be an insured driver, as there’s not a chance in hell my mum will let me back on her insurance.

As previously mentioned, I can’t get my head around, or more importantly do three-laned roundabouts. More specifically: this one.

As any sort of “revision” was impossible, my family and I did the next best thing- my dad drove us all to THAT roundabout, and proceeded to fail to do it correctly himself, five or six times.

Considering this is a man who has been driving for twenty five years, and in six goes could not successfully get into the correct lane at the correct time, I think I’m proverbially buggered when I take my test tommorrow. I have a horrible feeling I might end up actually crashing the car or something- whilst making an impressive blog entry, and anecdote for use in the future, that’ll make me stand out as a “character”, and will make people think, “ooh, he’s memorable”, it’s not something I’m particularly looking forward to doing.

Wish me luck, I’m “sure as hell” going to need it!

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Illness
August 17th, 2005 at 13:58

I’m ill at the moment, and it’s slightly irritating. Long story short, I feel vaguely dizzy, get the odd headache and feel a bit shit, to put it bluntly. It’s the first time I’ve been ill in years.

To put this into perspective, sort of, I was at a party not too long ago (I can’t remember whos), but people there were discussing the last time they were sick- boasting how they havn’t been sick for “two years”, much to the surprise of the other drunkards there. I, meanwhile, being “straight edge” in all but name and fashion, revealed that I had not been sick since I was 10.

My mother is far too caring- I can still move about, I can still do stuff, I can still retort her silly arguments with razor sharp wit, yet she fusses over me like I’ve got the plague. She briefly returned home during her work to bring me some Coke and other stuff I didn’t even ask for. It’s like I’ve got the plague or something, and she’s trying to make me happier! Does she know something I don’t?

Perhaps the funniest thing about this whole illness experience is my being told to “take it easy”, not to go out, not to make an effort, just to rest, and sit on my laptop and watch TV. Same as usual, basically.

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Home Alone (Again) and Scot’s Party
August 1st, 2005 at 11:29

It’s been an interesting couple of days- this in itself is rather surprising, as I have had work. My family have abandoned me and gone off on holiday to France, on a ferry, as opposed to an aeroplane, and my good friend Scot had a party, because his family are on holiday.

Incidentally, I’m currently living with four women. They’re guinea pigs and I’ve got to look after them. My sister, Lucy, has left me some instructions. I wish my mother had done the same with regard to locating my socks.

But anyway, I’m sure you don’t want to hear tales of me managing to change the bin liner in the bin, you want to hear about the drunken antics of Scot’s party.

Now, I’ve been to a fair few parties now- I don’t drink, I go because I crave friends. Scot’s party was probably the most drunken and what I could call “wild”, that I’ve been to yet.

Aside from what I’d call the “usual gang”, for some reason, a delegation of Harborough’s chav elite had erm… graced us with their presence. Having not spent much time with chavs since the end of further education, and having actively avoided them socially, it was certainly an interesting reminder of the finer points of their species.

“I ain’t no townie”, one said, completely sincerely, whilst wearing an Ellesse tracksuit, and large jewellery.

“I said like yeah that my mum died like three years ago yeah and then then she said her mum had died recently and my aunt yeah said yeah that she killed her shes a bitch and I no longer associate with her for disrespecting my family yeah like I don’t want nothing to do with her yeah”. (Paraphrasing).

For some reason they were both shouting this at me. It was really quite surreal.

I’d like to blame this on their drunkeness, but I think they’re actually a lost cause for society. They were drunk though- and this was brilliant. It meant that me, being fully sober and full of razor sharp wit could insult them, right in front of them, and they didn’t understand me or give a damn- much to the amusement of the other erm… straight edge people, and those who remained coherent whilst intoxicated.

Turns out that the chavs were only 15, and were apparently “going out” with people there who were a few years their senior. “I can’t find $person”, cried one, “at least you’re not being groomed”, I called back. It was funnier at the time.

Also, in an effort to perhaps conform with every teenage “house party” stereotype, rather than having Mr Blobby and gunge tank, the neighbours rang up to complain about the noise, people were doing lewd things, and “no” class C drugs were being taken by others. The keyword here is “others”- as you may have deduced from earlier blog entries, I’m not a risk taking, exciting person- I don’t drink, take drugs and so on. My “alcohol” is CocaCola, and my drugs are social adventures.

Finally, the walk home was slightly hair raising- as I passed the roundabout near Lidl, there was a police car on the otherside, with a police woman standing by it- I heard screams and swearing coming from near them. When the police car started drive off, I decided to run home, or more specifically, light jog.

It was an immensely enjoyable party, all in all- with the chav-baiting providing an unexpected bonus. Thanks for inviting me, Scot. Thanks for entertaining me, chavs.

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