Make me the new King of Pop!
June 26th, 2009 at 23:15

The King of Pop is dead, with no immediately obvious heir to the throne. I imagine in the next few days we’ll see the different pretenders to the crown emerge, each sounding things out and making their case – this, however, terrifies me. If a candidate can capture the public’s imagination they could take power quickly and we could – god forbid – end up with a situation where Bono is in a position of power, rather than just pushing his nose up to the backside of it. The other possible outcome is that of civil war if no one contender takes the lead – and this would be dreadful for society, as can we really cope with another King Richard vs Prince John, or Oasis vs Blur during a recession?

It is for these reasons that I have decided to submit myself as an independent candidate for the new King of Pop. And I hope that you, zeitgeist, will support me.

Sure, I may not have the superficial qualities associated with the office: musical talent, a back catalogue of hits or even a likeable personality, but I believe I am the candidate to steer popular culture through these serious times, because of my political and managerial skills.

Here are my manifesto pledges that, if elected, I will enact to radically reform the entire pop music landscape:

1) Blanket ban on interviews with music professionals.

There’s nothing worse than hearing a musician be interviewed, be it their uninformed opinions or ability to talk shit. No, your new record isn’t a journey, it isn’t “saying something” and I think things are slightly more complicated than your song implies. No, we can’t just solve all of the world’s problems with “love”.

This ruling will also apply to appearances on Nevermind the Buzzcocks, unless the musician demonstrably has anything resembling charisma (unlikely).

2) Politics banned unless the musician knows what they are talking about, and ideally, have a degree in a relevant subject

Don’t get me wrong, I love political music – but far too often is politics used by mainstream acts to boost flailing careers, or to behave sanctimoniously towards the public despite their private jet ownership. I realise this is a tired observation, but the pop world needs a King who will prevent the Bonos, Geldofs and Madonnas from preaching until they’ve written theses on the economics of debt reduction.

3) Only political music will be allowed

This may sound contradictory to the above – but it is not. This will narrow the range of artists and cut all of the crap and waste out of popular culture. Overnight, superficial acts who only sing about feelings and emotions, and who are inherently selfish and inward-looking, will be wiped out. Pop will be forced to look outwards at things that really matter, and fight for and raise awareness of issues in a genuine way. There will be a dispensation made available for songs that are about social and scientific issues, but these will have to be justified in a political context.

4) No sell-outs

The four-big-labels oligarchy will be dismanted and replaced with DIY independent labels – and acts will be banned from performing in venues bigger than, say, Islington Academy. All albums will have to be bought from the merch stand. In additional, file sharing will be fine – but people will pay back the artists by going to gigs and supporting the scene.

5) James Blunt will be banned from music.

I don’t think I need to explain this one.

So that’s my manifesto – so, zeitgeisty readers, I implore you to elect me, James O’Malley, as the new King of Pop.

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Interview with Shadow Defence Sec Liam Fox
June 5th, 2009 at 18:23

I went down to Westminster today to see what was going on, and to check if Gordon Brown was still the Prime Minister or not. I bumped into Shadow Defence Secretary Dr Liam Fox whilst down there – so seizing the moment I thought I better ask him something. I am now officially a citizen journalist:

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