New Years Resolutions
January 1st, 2008 at 17:57

Happy New Year, everyone! New Year is an important time – we have to celebrate an arbitrary passage of time, buy replacement calendars and breathe a sigh of relief that we’ve lasted another year without ice caps melting and drowning us all. New Year is also a time for self improvement – it’s the point in a year that “I’m on a diet” sounds most plausible even when uttered by the fattest of people. It’s when New Years Resolutions begin and fail.

I’ve been trying to come up with some New Years Resolutions myself, but given that I’m pretty much perfect, it leaves very little room for self improvement. Sure, I could resolve to be a little more modest or realistic when evaluating myself, but resolutions are supposed to be achievable. Pipe dreams are all well and good – but it won’t surprise you to learn that I’m no plumber. It’s why I spend my time writing drivel rather than fixing sinks and that sort of thing.

So anyway, instead, I’ve been considering some New Years Resolutions for some other people.

For a start, how about United Nations General Assembly Resolution 217 A (III) of 10^th December 1948, otherwise known as the Universal Declaration of Human Rights? Places like Saudi Arabia, Iran and China have been putting this off for years. I mean, sure, I guess oppressing women or torturing people or whatever has become something of a tradition for these countries, but if they want, this year could be the year that they decide to get their act together. Maybe King Abdullah could do with losing some weight too – that absolute power must mean he never has to lift a finger.

Another resolution the same countries, as well as loads of others could try and stick to this year could be resolution A/RES/62/149 – which as the exciting codename makes obvious, is the recently passed United Nations resolution about getting rid of the death penalty. Its not legally binding, because it was a General Assembly Resolution rather than a Security Council Resolution (ie: because the poor countries get to vote on it, it doesn’t count), but New Years Resolutions never are – you’re supposed to just have a damn good go at it anyway, and then inevitably share anecdotes in mid-January about how you’ve broken all of your resolutions. But you have to try in the first place, and that’s the main thing.

So there are just two resolutions that a few countries could try. The thing is though, is that I don’t think my ideas are going to have any effect… because annoyingly, Iran, Saudi Arabia and China, all have entirely different calendars to us. As everyone knows, Chinese New Year is in February – apparently this year the human-rights oppressing Olympic hosts will be Year of the Wolf (In Sheep’s Clothing). And Iran has its own Persian Calendar – which I guess is useful as if anyone complains that “the oppression of women in Iran is like the Middle Ages”, they can reply “well, it is literally 1386!”

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