The rules of being the support band
August 17th, 2007 at 00:55

I’ve been to loads of gigs, and without fail, the support band usually do something that slightly irks me. So I’ve put together a list of rules that you should follow if you ever find yourself supporting a popular band.

1) Remember that nobody is there to see you

Yeah, you might be on stage in front of a sizeable number of people, but that isn’t an indication of your popularity. Every single one of the people looking at you are probably seeing you for the first and last time – and they don’t care what you do, they’re just wishing that the real band would start playing.

2) No audience participation

As the first rule says, nobody knows who you are. So don’t act like it- don’t try and urge everyone to start clapping above their heads, or try and get a pit started, as it will fall on deaf ears. Definitely do not hold the microphone to the audience and expect them to sing the lyrics back to you. There will be no response.

3) Don’t slag off the audience

The audience will dance only if they want to dance. You complaining that they won’t dance won’t make it happen, or if it does, it will be one solitary person humouring you whilst everyone else looks on with contempt. If the audience are all standing back or around the sides of the venue, don’t encourage them to move forwards – if they wanted to, they would have done so already. You’re only going to make yourself look stupid when nobody follows your orders. The biggest crime is probably referring to the size of the audience if not many people turned up… they’re the people who actually showed their faces, its everyone else you should hate.

4) No banter

Don’t try and engage the audience in any banter aside from perhaps telling them what song you’re playing next. You may think that you’re the wittiest person in the world with your explanation of why you love drinking/drugs/sticking it to the system, but if you were funny, you’d be doing stand up, not thrashing about with instruments. Chances are that if you do talk you’ll come across near incomprehensible anyway, as the microphones are set up for music and shouting. Don’t try and talk politics either – the audience will only listen to what the main band have to say. Your political opinions are not important.

5) Name drop the main band

Before your last song, make sure you thank the audience regardless of how terrible they’ve been, and then guarantee yourself a big cheer by dropping in the name of the main band into your spiel. That’s who everyone wants to see after all.

6) Plug the merchandise stand

Despite the set up being identical at every gig, its worth reminding the audience that there’s a stall at the back manned by a heavily tattooed man selling your CD and t-shirts with your logo on. After your set, if you go and stand near the merchandise stall you can try and hard sell your self-funded EP to the audience who are trying to buy one of the main band’s albums. If you, a member of the band, try and get someone to buy it, they’ll have a hard time saying no as they won’t want to disappoint you.

7) Don’t be shit

Self explanatory. All of your songs sound the same anyway, as no one is familiar with your music. Don’t aggravate this by also being terrible.

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Leftover Crack
August 16th, 2007 at 14:24

I went to an excellent gig yesterday evening. Leftover Crack were playing. I went to see them 369 days ago, but the difference this time was that I know their entire discography and, if forced, could semi-competently sing along.

It was pretty much the ultimate punk gig, as it was in a tiny venue in an unpleasant backstreet of Leicester, and full of people sticking it to the system and expressing their individuality by all wearing black band t-shirts. Leftover Crack are famous for being punk – they apparently live in squats in New York, title albums with needlessly controversial names like “shoot the kids at school”, and presumably don’t wash, because basic hygiene is just the man and capitalism trying to control us.

We (Bouff and I) arrived just as the first support finished their set. Whoops. The next support was a man of 40-something and his acoustic guitar. He was pretty good – his songs were very poetic and telling allegories for wider social issues. For instance, he had a song called “I don’t like work” about his dislike of work and “drinking song” and about his love of drinking.

The second support were excellent. They were a sort of ska-core band called Random Hand. They sounded a bit like Link 80 and did some nice tunes. I’d have bought their CD if they’d had any.

Leftover Crack though, who we were there to see, were ace. They only played for about 50 minutes (including encore), but did all of the, er, classics. Y’know, the ones that if you were a fan of the band, which to be honest I’d wager you probably aren’t, you’d know and love: Gang Control, Atheist Anthem, and Choking Victim’s (ie: the band in an earlier incarnation) Crack Rock Steady.

After the gig I tried to buy a t-shirt. The trouble is, as you might imagine with a band called Leftover Crack, their clothing range isn’t going to be the sort of torso wallpaper you get in Burtons: perhaps meaningless numbers that are designed to look like they have been stencilled on to the t-shirt, or the name of a place that you’ve never been to with a year (“California beach, 1981″, something like that. Funny how it’s never “Mogadishu 2005″). Meaningless, inoffensive things basically.
I asked the people at the merchandise stand if they had any logo t-shirts as “I didn’t want anything offensive”. Don’t get me wrong, I’d happily wear a t-shirt with some sort of anti-religion slogan on it, I just don’t really want a t-shirt that implies I use drugs, because I don’t. There didn’t seem to be a t-shirt that matched this criteria.

The problem was that I was already at the merch stand and talking to the person selling stuff, so I was sort of obliged to buy something or risk looking stupid. I didn’t want to buy a CD, as I already have all of the band’s CDs, so I settled for a t-shirt that on the front says “Rock the 40oz”, which I believe is a reference to… Crack? It must be, surely. And on the back, it contains the word “motherfucking”. Basically I don’t want to be thrown out of any public places for wearing a vulgar t-shirt. And yeah, I know this isn’t a very punk attitude.

But it was an excellent gig. Just a shame they’re (apparently) splitting up really.

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Transformers
August 15th, 2007 at 02:08

I went to see Transformers this evening. Despite being an awful student, I didn’t actually watch Transformers when I was younger (or if I did, it didn’t make much of an impact on me), nor do I watch it these days “ironically”. After seeing the trailers, I genuinely thought it looked like a good film.

Alright, “good” is the wrong word. It looked like a fun film, and it was.

One thing that really impressed me was the computer generated stuff. It looked really realistic. I mean, obviously gigantic robots that inexplicably can transform into regular looking things don’t exist, but everything looked photo-realistic, and it was hard to tell where the CG started and the live action began.

I also enjoyed the sort of buzzword bingo that occurred at various points in the film. “You’ve got to think quantum physics”, to explain the transformers, “maybe they’re DNA robots?”. Not to mention the standard “computer hacking with amazing 3D visualisation” stuff.

I also enjoyed the sickeningly “cool” robot, who when sitting down on to a car said “this is a nice place to kick it [ie: relax]“, or something similar to that. It was ridiculous.

Plot-wise, the film isn’t exactly a shining beacon of intellectualism floating in a sea of ignorance. It was very much submerged. As long as you don’t think about it too much, it is a throwaway, entertaining watch – much like the Fantastic 4 in that sense.

Unfortunately for the people who made the film, I have a tendency to think too much. I have several points of contention with the film:

A big chunk of the start of the film is about setting up the human character’s backstory. The kid from Even Stevens wants a car so he can try and impress a woman. You get the standard scenes of the sports-playing wankers making fun of him, and as you might expect, at the end of the film he gets the girl. At risk of sounding a bit Newsnight Review, I don’t think the emotional journey was explored very thoroughly. Don’t get me wrong, I’d prefer to watch fighting space robots interspersed with pseudo-science, but it made the build up feel unnecessary. What’s the message here? “Get a car that transforms into a robot and the world’s most fickle woman will be yours”?

Early in the film, one of the autobots (the good guys) is captured by the US military. Optimus Prime, the leader, explains to the others that they can’t rescue him because “humans might be harmed”. This is all well and good, but why then, did the good guys deliberately direct the end battle into the centre of a city full of thousands of people? Were they not expecting any collateral damage? You even see at one point a good robot wrestling a bad robot in its jet fighter transformation, flying through a building, and helpless white collar workers running for the windows and jumping.

Its explained in the film that Megatron, the boss of the evil Deceptacons, came to earth a century or so ago to look for this cube which is vital to the plot. The reason he doesn’t go on a killing spree or whatever is because he is frozen beneath the Arctic. This is all well and good, but how did he even get to Earth in the first place? If he’s been travelling across the solar system, if not galaxies, then he would have surely encountered even colder temperatures? Absolute zero is -273.15 degrees centigrade, yet the temperature at the North Pole is a comparatively warm -43 degrees. That’s right, I’m picking up on dodgy science in a film about robots from space.

There’s also a massive piece of circular logic going on with the plot. Apparently the Deceptacons have come to Earth and are going to use this cube thing they’re after to turn all of Earth’s technology into an army and use it to take over the universe. Fair enough, but in the film, in the scene with Megatron dug up and hidden in the Hoover Dam (wouldn’t he have thawed out in transit?), the US army explains that all technology is reverse-engineered from the technology found on Megatron. And obviously, when Megatron first arrived, there was no earth technology of the type they can take over. In the 19th century there were no microchips or whatever. Illogical.

It was an alright film though – not unmissable by any stretch of the imagination but an entertaining watch none the less.

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Threats of physical violence
August 14th, 2007 at 01:53

When I was down in London the other day, I was with Katy, and we went for lunch at Pizza Hut – it was the one near the site of the failed Tiger Tiger nightclub bombing in Piccadilly Circus, so we were really living life on the edge.

As we were sitting waiting for our food, for some reason Katy made a vague punching fist gesture towards me (you’d be surprised how often my friends seem to do this to me) for conversational reasons that escape me (for the sake of context, assume it was after a hilarious sexist quip).

Suddenly, one of the waiters chipped in: “No fighting in here, please… you’ll have to take it outside”. He was perhaps 40 years old and sounded like a proper cockney – I imagine he is the sort of person who would use rhyming slang as a matter of course rather than when trying to sound like a Londoner.

“What have you done?” he asked in his best cockney accent, to which I could only manage to respond with genuine but perhaps slightly over-forced laughter. “Do you want any help?” he said to Katy, as he himself clenched his fists and mimed a punching motion.

Its not that I don’t mind receiving threats of violence from strangers… it’s just a little odd. And it made me worry as he looked like the sort of bloke who might “know some people”.

Maybe he used to be a contract killer, but work dried up when the made murder illegal a few years ago, so he’s turned his hand to waiter-ing (waiting?), and has a lot of pent up aggression?

After we’d finished eating he came back. Rather than ask if we wanted the bill or whether everything was alright, he again made his hands into fists and said directly to me with some faux-indignation “Are you still alive?“. It was almost as if he’d expected me to be a bloody corpse by the time he returned.

I don’t know what it is about Piccadilly Circus – first terrorists try (and fail) to bomb somewhere close to where I was two days after I was there, and now a passive aggressive threat. Weird.

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Peter Florida Backlash
August 12th, 2007 at 15:40

There’s one sure-fire way to provoke a response on the internet: arguing about religion. It turns out that Peter Florida’s trip the Natural History Museum has provoked some interesting responses. I imagine this is something to do with him, er, posting it on GodTube. Yeah, that GodTube. He’s not very original, that Peter Florida, whoever he is.

After being on GodTube about 24 hours at the time of writing, there’s been six comments. Most of them appear to be from fellow jokers like myself – which made me wonder whether there’s any real Christians on there at all. I did get this one utterly terrifying comment though, from someone who had seen in the video that Peter Florida had claimed that you only get volcanoes and earthquakes in the non-Christian world:

“I dont think that God put Volcanoes in the “non-Christian” world to destroy them. God doesnt hate people, He hates the sin they commit. China now has the fastest growing Christian Church in the world. Plus I know that there are many Christian people in Central America. Guatemala, costa Rica, El salvador, etc. More than here in the US. So if that were the case he would destroy all the US because they alloy abortion and Central America doesn’t. GOd died for the ^@!s, muslims, women and aetheists too. We just need to bring the gospel to them so they can change their ways.” (kgalicia05, 2007)

Aside from the fact that they seem to self-censor the word “gay” in the style of a comic-book, they seem to have taken Peter Florida’s other assertions just as seriously in order to not spot the sarcasm. This includes Peter claiming that a dead Tiger is breaking the second law of thermodynamics, and asserting that the moon is half way between the sun and the earth.

Peter’s also received a private message on GodTube. Yeah, I thought they’d all communicate via prayer using God as a central node and receiving messages through obscure signs (like seeing it miraculously appear burned into toast, that sort of thing), but still. It reads:

“Okay dude.. if you think science is hogwash.. When you contract some form of really really bad disease.. don’t turn to science to help you. In fact.. don’t take any medicines when you get a cold or flu, because God will help you. Don’t use your computer, use your video camera, drive your car, use electricity. You don’t seem to like science, except for when its convenient for you, and where it fits your needs.”

Christian, atheist or otherwise… they appear to have missed what I was getting at. I thought that a scruffy British student with a mouth like a gutter would give it away if the bullshit reasoning didn’t, but clearly I over-estimated the internet. Apparently this isn’t a new phenomenon either, and it is in fact well documented. It appears that I have inadvertently demonstrated Poe’s Law:

“Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.”

Christians, eh?

Update (23:33): It looks like I’ve been rumbled (again). After receiving a Google Blog Search hit for “GodTube”, my video has been taken down. It looks like the moderators stay proactive looking for fake videos put up there by jokers. If you go the video now it claims the video hasn’t been approved by moderators… implying it got through the pre-moderation first time around. Scary.

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Fairground Idea
August 11th, 2007 at 23:14

I’ve had an incredible idea for a new travelling funfair. The business plan is impeccable, because business is at the very heart of my idea.

Basically, each attraction would be priced individually, and the prices would vary according to market conditions. If not many people are using it the price will go down, and if its popular the price will go up: supply and demand, basically.

What would I call my fair? The Laissez-Fair, of course.

For example, rather than the queue for the dodgems being massive and no one wanting a go on the rigged coconut shy, the dodgems would be priced highly and the coconut shy would be dirt cheap… but would still turn a profit because the coconuts would be glued down.

There would be no queues because the visitors would be manipulated by changing prices, ensuring an equal spread of people throughout the fair.

Thinking this through, I could theme the entire fair around macro-economics. Those bungie capsule things could have the two towers at painted up like graph axis and it could be a homage to elasticity of demand? The ferris wheel? The economic cycle. Roller coaster? From the side it’d look like a graph of boom and bust. I’m still trying to think of a way to link the log-flume to trickle down economics.

There could be a terrifying new ride like those machines that hoist you up and then let you fall to the ground at speed. It could be called “Black Wednesday”.

I can’t see how this can possibly fail, as it would be self regulating. Crowds would be consistent throughout the week rather than it being packed on Friday and Saturday nights, as people would deliberately time their visits for when it is cheaper, so they’d never be any off-peak periods when its too expensive to keep the place open. Competitors wouldn’t have a chance, because if they tried to muscle in on the economics-themed-fairground market, they’d be pushed out using my rapid reaction market forces, as my prices would fall when demand is diluted by rivals. And in terms of social benefits, it will school people in basic economics – which is a valuable public service.

Look out for me on Dragons Den.

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Irritant – Dark City / Tabby Callaghan – King of the Town
August 11th, 2007 at 18:49

Disclosure: I was sent some free CDs by the PR company to review. This is my attempt to review them.

Irritant – Dark City

Irritant are apparently a progressive-rock heavy-metal band, and they have a new single out on September 17th, called Dark City. As the name suggests, its not exactly a jaunty upbeat number full of ska chords and skanking (officially the happiest genre of music). The song does what the genre says on the tin. Its progressive as it is full of jingly-jangly guitar bits that would require quite a degree of skill from the guitarist, with some heavy metal drumming around the sides and a whiny ghostly Evanescence-esque singer spread over the top like the icing on an emo cake (it can’t cut itself but other people can).

The press release quotes the song’s producer, Vic Coppersmith-Heaven’s objective and in no way biased review of the band: “Irritant are an exciting band crafting skilled songwriting and performance towards a most promising future”.

The song is alright though.

Tabby Callaghan – King of the Town

Before listening to this song, I read the press release and involuntarily affected a natural bias against the musician. Apparently Tabby Callaghan was a former contestant on the X-Factor. Yeah, the Simon Cowell vehicle that has helped increase the rate of deterioration in the minds of an entire generation.

The strangely androgynous Tabby was apparently formerly managed by Sharon Osbourne, presumably of the family of stationers fame, although he has gone his own way with the new single, which is out on September 24th.

King of the Town is sort of generic commercial pop music with a faux-classic rock edge to it. The opening bit sounds a bit like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers – y’know, the sort of rock that is “edgy” if you’re a Daily Mail reader but bland if you’re anyone else.

Lyrics aren’t really the song’s strong point: “Walking around like you’re king of the town”, the main lyric and gist of the song apparently “portrays memories of feeling invincible as a teenager” according to the press release. He may claim to have been invincible, but I would still wager that his weakness, his kryptonite, was and probably still is bullets.

Verdict: bland.

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Natural History Museum
August 10th, 2007 at 23:17

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Wa-wa-waaaaaaaah
August 10th, 2007 at 01:11

As you might know, I’ve been attempting to learn to play the trumpet recently. As you might imagine, this involves a certain degree of practicing – even on warm days when the windows are open.

I went out this evening, and as I was getting into the car I heard what sounded like someone doing an impression of playing the trumpet, making trumpet noises with his mouth. And he was playing the trumpet badly.

It was the kid next door taking the piss out of me and my piss-poor trumpeting! The little bastard!

After this, I heard his mum telling him to stop it.

Still, he might be laughing now, but he won’t be when I’m a world class trumpet virtuoso.

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Jim’ll script it
August 8th, 2007 at 22:01

So it’s emerged that the BBC have been faking Bargain Hunt too. I am literally sickened by this lapse in standards – to the point where I don’t even know what is real any more. I’m half expecting to pick up a newspaper tomorrow and read that Doctor Who isn’t filmed in space and Terry Wogan’s hair isn’t the real deal either.

But how far does this conspiracy to deceive honest, hard-working viewers go? I’m starting to think that the so-called “Iraq War” is actually a fabrication and a lie perpetuated by the BBC and its vast left-wing conspiracy to undermine our government, who in my patriotic eyes can do no wrong.

This may sound ludicrous, but have you not seen Tomorrow Never Dies? All you need to do is build a stealth boat and you can say what you like and have it taken as fact.

I’ve actually got some inside information on a brewing scandal – although as the person exposing it, I haven’t got facial hair as excellent as the man who exposed Bargain Hunt. A few years ago I went to see The Late Edition being recorded, and I can exclusively reveal that all wasn’t as it seemed on TV.

The recording actually took longer than thirty minutes – about two hours if I remember correctly. And despite the illusion that it was all done in one go, it was actually filmed in segments, and the floor manager got the audience to clap and cheer at the beginning of each to make the utterly fake segue between bits sounds more realistic.

And the biggest shock of all? It isn’t even live… its recorded the day before.

Daily Mail: I’ve got tomorrow’s front page sorted for you.

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