What are the haps?
July 16th, 2007 at 15:38
For the past few months I’ve been desperately trying to introduce a new phrase into the public lexicon. I’ve been irritating nearly everyone I’ve spoken to since April by asking them “what are the haps?”. And now I fully intend to abuse my position as a media whore to promote its usage.
Its how all of the cool kids these days say “What’s happening?”, or “How are you?”. But you didn’t need me to explain that – you’re not that out of touch, right? If there’s any parents with teenage kids reading, try asking your kids what their haps are: they’ll think you’re so cool and “with it” that it might evoke more than just the standard grunt from them.
I’d really like to see it catch on – not only because I’d become a trendsetter and become a cultural leader as I push the zeitgeist into a scary new direction, but because it may displace the perennial “alright?” as the standard casual greeting.
I really hate it when people greet me by saying “Alright?”, as I can never figure out what they’re asking, nor how to respond. Are they basically saying “Hello”, or are they asking “How are you?”? If you misinterpret the question you risk looking like an idiot.
Long, long ago, back in the dark days of 2004, back before the invention of Coke Zero and iPods with colour screens, I used to have a part time job in a well known chain of hardware stores where I spent all day sat on the till. What this meant was that I got to spend every Saturday and Sunday conducting an experiment as to which response was the most accurate.
When a customer got to the till and I’d politely say “Hello!” with as much faux-enthusiasm as I could muster, if they responded “Alright?”, the experiment began. Some times I’d respond with “Hello!”, again, which in retrospect, and indeed at the time, felt ridiculous, and sometimes I’d say “I’m fine thanks, how are you?”, as I thought they’d just enquired about my welllbeing. This was usually met with a blank stare or a patronising, drawn out “Yeeeeehs” and hurried packing of their bags. It seems that maybe there is no perfect way to respond to this most awkward of questions.
Maybe I’m just rubbish at light conversation? Maybe I should have tackled an issue with the customer that I can talk about with some degree of success, and tackled some heavy issues: “So, Iraq, eh?”, “The bleach is on two-for-one… hey, what do you make of the growing tide of fundamentalist Christianity in the United States, and its collective influence on US foreign policy objectives?”.
So I’m leaving this to you. It is your duty to try and introduce ‘what are the haps?’ to every day usage. If you bump into me in the street, why not try asking me what the haps are? Or if you don’t like me, why not say “alright?”?. ‘WATH’ is much more concise than the archaic ‘alright’ (you’re asking someone what their haps are), and much more importantly damn cool.
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