All my heroes are just parasites
February 3rd, 2007 at 02:27
As I’m a witless slave to consumerism, I quite like celebrities. I don’t mean the awful kind of celebrities that you might find populating ITV’s latest reality TV failure, I mean the good kind: like Adam Hart Davis, Richard Dawkins, Peter Snow and Patrick Moore.
So basically I seem to be a fan of white-haired old men.
One thing that concerns me though is whether these people are just as cool in real life as they seem to be on screen. I mean, for all I know, when the cameras are switched off, Adam Hart Davis might bark orders at the runner like a career SS soldier before snorting cocaine off of a prostitute’s back. Whilst still in his court jester costume.
In terms of slightly more concrete evidence to celebrities being bastards in the flesh, Patrick Moore, as it turns out, is a member of one organisation I have a special segment of my brain dedicated to loathing: UKIP. I shit you not. It’s a bit depressing really that someone who you assume is cool because he likes space and that, is actually a senile old man with 19th century opinions (asked “Where did all the science programs on TV go?”, he’s said “A lot of TV is run by women these days.”)
Eccentric funny-named, asteroid-worrying, Cheeky-Girl-partnered LibDem MP Lembit Opik supports fox hunting. What the hell, Lembit? You used to be cool! You’ve changed, man.
I wonder if John Sergeant is an obnoxious, self-righteous, right-wing, big-lipped ponce who doesn’t let anyone else get a word in edge-ways?
Most of the musicians I like are probably complete and utter wankers in real life. Leftover Crack, for instance, are big fans of, er, crack. If I turned up backstage and tried to make friends with them they’d be like “that James O’Malley is such a slave to consumerism… he won’t even snort one line of cocaine, and doesn’t understand our hip New York street slang”.
Its weird- if some crack-addled tramp-a-like expressed political opinions to me in the street, I’d ignore them and get on with my life, but give that tramp an electric guitar and a sense of rhythm and I’ll be the first to absorb his opinions and claim that I’ve deeply believed whatever he’s saying for years and that I’m not just jumping on the bandwagon.
I think I have some sort of pathological desire to be friends with celebrities. Are there any celebrities reading? Do you like me? Want to go for a drink some time and discuss how I can exploit your famous connections to springboard my own career?
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