I think I’m a Luddite
December 20th, 2006 at 01:24

As you might have seen, I’m currently on the hunt for a Wii. I love new technology- I think its the best thing in the world that I can take a photo on my phone, wirelessly send it to my computer, and transfer it to my iPod, and output the screen to the TV. I like how I have access to every bit of information imaginable, and I like how I can broadcast my pearls of wisdom to people in the corridors of power. The trouble is that I’m worried that as I get older, advances in technology might scare me.

First of all, the uninformed scientist within me has this concern: how do we know technology will keep on improving? Yeah, we don’t have flying cars like they thought that we would have in the 1950s, but things like processor speeds have steadily grown (Moore’s Law), and the number of megapixels in a digital camera have increased and so on… how do we know this will keep on happening? How do we know that scientists won’t reach a point where they can’t squeeze any more transistors on to a circuit board or whatever? You only have to look at the number of fans on a modern high-spec PC compared to say, a pocket calculator, to realise that technology is struggling to cope with our expectations.

Ten years ago we had WAP on our phones which allowed us to connect to the internet at an incredible 2kbps or so- these days top-end phones can download stuff at near-rubbish broadband speeds… how do we know that they’ll keep figuring out ways to get more and more data into the same space?

Our entire consumer society is built on technological innovation, and the assumption that these will continue… what if they don’t?

Speaking of mobile phones, surely a future technologically innovation is going to be access to the internet everywhere (WiMax etc)- surely this has some profound societal implications? I’ll never be able to win an argument by lying ever again, as the other person will be able to instantly check to the facts?

Perhaps we’ll end up with too much information? I spend far too long every day using Google Reader to check hundreds of RSS feeds- to the point where accessing a normal web page feels a bit weird. Yeah, I find it interesting, but I’m reading it at the expense of perhaps, learning about something new, as I have a rigid routine of “Dinosaur Comics, MediaGuardian, then Engadget“. I subscribe to about fifty personal blogs, so spend large amounts of time reading about how Mr Biffo’s sitcom pilots are doing, or how eerily similar Doctor Vee’s life is to my own… in the past I’d spend hours reading the BBC News website, learning about obscure African politics and so on, rather than wasting my time on the inconsequential lives of annoyingly more interesting people.

Does this mean that I’m learning less about things that matter? Have I not dumbed down my interests and become obsessed with the cult of personality? Am I not now a passive consumer consenting to my life being outside of my control? Will my political apathy and the media brainwashing me turn me into simply a sheep that is completely unaware that its being lead to slaughter?This diversified news media scares me too. Websites are destroying the established news media, as I now find myself getting the latest from Westminster from Guido, and not Nick Robinson- and this scares me. The BBC are institutionally impartial- and people on TV and Radio have to be. If we switch to getting our news fix from unregulated media (ie: the internet), then the facts could be distorted to suit other peoples agendas, and there are no guarantees on quality, and we’ll actually be left more in the dark as to what is going on than before- and the news will become like the music charts: where the people with the money decide what’s popular and what is important.

The lack, or decline of big news organisations also means that the scope of news covered will be much smaller: how will the news media be able to justify sending reporters to Baghdad, East Timor, or inevitably the crater where Pyongyang used to be? Yeah, I suppose the modern idea would be to find a blogger in one of the affected places and read about the news where they are from them? I don’t even know anyone in Baghdad, and if I did, would I trust them to give me an impartial view of the situation? What if the only blog I can find is the Iraqi equivalent of James O’Malley, and is writing about what’s on TV whilst more important things go on around them? Blogs are said to give everyone a voice, but do we really want to hear everyone’s voice? Is my opinion on Iraq supposed to be as valid as John Simpson’s?

On demand television and the lack of linear television channels in the future will be a massive problem culturally. People will never learn anything new, or discover any new interests. It’s already happening: if you know where you can find 24 hour interior design programming, what’s going to make you switch over to say, Newsnight when you could be seeing if that middle-class couple decided to buy that second home in Spain or not?

In the past, when there was only a handful of TV channels, you’d watch whatever was on, and endure it, because there was nothing else to choose from. Who knows, the great British proletariat might even have caught the news and learnt about what is going on in the world? More choice means a less collective experience, which means that they’ll be nothing to unite people- aside from the shared tyranny under a government that consolidated their iron grip on power whilst we were too busy uploading our tedious video blogs.

And the diversified viewership associated with on-demand and hundreds of TV channels? If no one is going to watch something, then budgets will be slashed and broadcasters will have to resort to lowest common denominator drivel like The X-Factor in order to entice people in. What will compel broadcasters to make thoughtful and challenging programming when they can get bigger audiences by getting viewers to vote on which nobody they want to give £100,000 and a few front pages of the Daily Star to? Are we heading towards a society that’s as vapid and empty as a conversation with an elderly relative who you don’t really know or like, and where both of you know that this feeling is mutual?

And what about technology in other fields? Whenever they get around to inventing the self driving car, I can imagine being terrified at the prospect of putting my life in the hands of a machine that only knows where it is because of sensors and satellites. Presumably this will be the point where I’ll start buying the Daily Express for its new ‘Crusade’ to bring Princess Diana back from the dead, and restore the monarchy with her on the throne.

Basically, I think we should freeze technology as it is RIGHT NOW, but perhaps build a few more Wiis.

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Jehovah’s Witnesses
December 17th, 2006 at 21:21

I looked out of my bedroom window at around lunchtime today and saw a large black land rover parked up on the kerb, and some important looking people in long black coats striding about the streets. I knew it was one of two things: either Jehovah’s Witnesses were hawking their religion again, or Torchwood were in town.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be the former.

Don’t get me wrong- this isn’t going to be yet another blog entry having a go at religion. Yes, I don’t particularly like Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I think that if they were in a court of law, they’d be done for perjury (or, er, bearing false witness- just like the commandment), but my main problem is that I just don’t trust them.

I think its their technique- going door to door, trying to get you to buy into their beliefs- its like the religious equivalent of the Kleeneze catalogue. I think I’d probably have more use for a facial sauna than eternal salvation anyway.

I think they need some help marketing their religion, so here’s what I’d suggest:

• Don’t break the first rule of marketing: don’t piss of your potential customers by waking them up on a Sunday morning.
• Perhaps go for a viral campaign. Have a video of a dog with a firework attached to it or whatever, and put it on YouTube with a link to your website.
• The whole “only 144,000 people are going to heaven” thing is a bit negative – brand it like a lottery. “There’s 144,000 chances to win an eternity in paradise! Join us now and it could be you!“
• Cash in on Harry Potter, and justify your irrational dislike of blood transfusions by calling all, er, transfusioned people “mudbloods”. Yeah, this is a bit similar to Hitler and having a go at the Jews and calling them names and that, but he had a lot of fans- y’know, before the whole getting pwned by Russia bit. (Additionally: If I’d read Potter, I’m sure they’d be some mileage in a “Harry Potter is like the Nazis” blog entry).
• Change your product to fit your market: offer eternal salvation but with less commitments, like going to church and that.

This marketing consultation will be four million pounds please.

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What I did this morning…
December 16th, 2006 at 21:38

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A taxing idea
December 16th, 2006 at 17:13

I checked the news headlines this morning when I woke up, only to discover that there’s been some problems at the tax office. Apparently there’s some sort of pensions glitch which is causing people to be charged too much tax Erm, if only I could get my hands on those people who code pensions at the tax office!

This latest blunder isn’t going to make people love tax any more than they currently do- and I think this is a shame, as tax isn’t some great evil- its just a bit misunderstood. Like goths.

However, I think there’s an incredibly easy way to make people love tax, and it may even encourage them to pay even more! The trouble is that when you see your tax deductions on your pay slip and just think “Bah, that’s £x I’m never going to see again”- when you buy stuff yourself, you don’t get this same feeling as your bank statement gives you a nice breakdown of what you’ve bought over the past month. So I think at the end of each month the government ought to send you a statement, explaining what your tax money has bought.

If you can quantify the cash you’ve had taken away from you into goods and services you can picture, it doesn’t feel like you’re throwing your money down the drain. I’d feel much happier if I knew that the money I’d paid in tax had bought, for example:

• Cluster Bombs (for use in Basra)
• A new ear for an ugly child with low self esteem (receiving plastic surgery on the NHS)
• A batch of MPs Christmas cards to his constituents (printed pre-signed)
• More management consultants (for the civil service)
• A posh vase (a gift for a visiting despot)
• Police protection (for the royal family)
• Subsidising Midland Mainline
• Higher wages for pen pushing bureaucrats
• Underwriting the cost of fighter jets sold to Saudi Arabia

At least then I’d be able to say “I can’t afford a my train fare, but at least Downing Street can afford to entertain the Chinese Premier whilst overlooking his country’s consistent human rights abuses”- which would make me feel much better.

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Wii
December 14th, 2006 at 21:26

Today I did something incredibly dangerous. Before I started, I had to sign a release form, stating that I can’t hold them responsible if I get injured or possibly killed. I had to read a laminated safety briefing. I knew that what I was about to do was going to be dangerous.

I had a go on a Wii demo kiosk in HMV. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been clever enough to pre-order, so today was my first hands on experience with the console. And even then I only got to play Tennis on Wii Sports.

I don’t think I’d be exaggerating to say just how incredible it is. I was flailing my arms about as if I was having an epileptic fit, and I didn’t seem to care that there was a crowd of people watching. It was probably more like playing real tennis than a regular video game.

And I was really getting into it, jumping about, thrashing the controller about, ducking and diving, and in retrospect, I must have looked ridiculous. Not that I cared at the time- I was too busy enjoying myself.
Despite my efforts I lost both of the sets I played, against one of the staff and another member of the public. Not that I mind- it was great fun.

And I really think Nintendo are on to something massive, here. I heard the woman I was playing against say to what I assume was her dad that they should get one. On the Paul O’Grady Show today (er, my mum was watching it), one of the guests at the end said that they wanted a Wii for Christmas- and that isn’t exactly your normal gamer demographics.

I think the Wii is going to be big. If HMV had any in stock, I would have bought one there and then.

I think the slogan is right: Playing is believing.

Nintendo! Are you reading? I run a gaming website! Why not send me a free Wii? Please!

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Telling it like it is
December 14th, 2006 at 00:10

Is it me, or is it really embarrassing when you tell someone something that they told you only a few days prior? When I went to see Capdown last week, Sarah explained to me when we were discussing ’selling out’ on your values, how shoe company Converse are now owned by Nike.

For some reason, the topic cropped up again when we were talking on Monday. In an attempt to sound knowledgeable on the subject, I remembered an incredible pearl of wisdom that would illustrate the difficulty in being non-conformist in a capitalist society. “Did you know…”, I started, beginning to look smug that this next sentence would underline my argument, “that Converse are owned by Nike?”.

“I told you that the other day”. Gahhhh.

I’m concerned that I repeat myself a lot. I’m not sure if its because my conversational material is so insanely narrow, or because I’ve written over four hundred pieces of drivel, but I’ll constantly find myself essentially parroting blog entries. Practically word for word.

Worse still, I have a tendency to do this to people that I know have read my blog, or are fairly likely to do so in the future. This means that when they’re watching me being “spontaneously witty”, they actually know I’m being no more original than Ricky Gervais’s podcast when he just repeats conversations he had on his old XFM show.

The horrible thing is that when I tell these “stories” is that they retain the structure of the blog entry. I guess its like talking to an audio book. I’ll often start a conversation like “I met a nutter in a pub once“- even if the link to the current conversation is extremely tenuous. The trouble is, that I’ll often blog about small, inconsequential things in life, but because I’ve written them down, and had to construct a narrative out of them, I’ll remember them for far longer than is necessary- meaning I’m still peddling the “I met Kilroy” thing two years after I actually met him.

This process even seems to work in reverse: not only have my past experiences become a series of stand alone routines rather than free-flowing things, like conversation should be, I now find myself mentally constructing a narrative for events whilst they are still going on. This is terrifying, as it means that when I’m rocking out on a boat on the Thames, or visiting my friend oop north, I’m not just concentrating on enjoying myself: I’m trying to figure out the best way to make it sound like I was enjoying myself.

The only upside to this sort of blogging compulsive disorder is when you’re with at least two other people, and one tells the story something you did, because they’ve read what you wrote about it, and you’re essentially hearing about your life from a third person’s perspective. It’s very odd, but strangely entertaining.

Of course- the other problem is that because blogging has become so self-referential- with hundreds of internal links scattered across blog entries, I think I come across almost like a DVD box set of drivel now, rather than as some sort of human.

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Health Scare
December 13th, 2006 at 02:58

Last week, my mum had some sort of medical scare. Long story short, she’s perfectly fine and it was nothing, but that didn’t stop the family from collectively bricking it for a few days. The vaguely interesting thing about it, aside from, er, my mother’s health, was that she got the scan done privately.

This meant that it got done (that’s a medical term) within five days, rather than twenty-something, as what would have happened had she had it done on the NHS. I’m sure regular blog readers have by now figured out the moral dilemma this creates and the direction in which this is going: private healthcare? Wtf?

I think the NHS is bitchin’- the second greatest institution this country has (after the BBC), and I’ll always cite it as a reason why Britain is better than America, (and that’s about as patriotic as I’ll get).

In fact, I’ve always assumed my opinion is “Private healthcare shouldn’t be allowed, everyone should use the NHS”. I think this has turned out to be one of those high-principled altruistic things you support until you realise that siding with the baddies helps you in your own personal circumstances. Like how you’d be against animal testing until you need to grow a new ear on your back. Or like how you’d be in favour of making murder illegal, up until the point when you’re on the run after killing five prostitutes.

Don’t get me wrong- I don’t think that we should privatise the NHS – that’d be awful. The idea of having to remember your chip & pin number whilst you have a saucepan stuck on your head or whatever is ridiculous. At risk of sounding like Hitler: I dare say private health care has its place. And poor people can go fuck themselves.

Having this all new opinion worries me slightly: are all of my other opinions as flexible? Are all of my opinions motivated by self interest? And I called myself something of a lefty? I’m terrible.

At the moment I think that student loans are awful, and students should get grants. Big fat grants too. Do I think this because I believe that education should be free for all who want it, and that it will enrich society as a whole, creating an educated and flexible workforce ready to meet the challenges of the 21st century workplace? (I assume that the 21st century workplace needs more media studies graduates, and that the challenges involve analysing a Bond film for instances of “dramatic tension”).

Or do I really believe the student loans thing because I am an awful student, who wants to contribute nothing to society and just get some free money to buy some consumer electronics with?

I’ve always said that I’m in favour of taxing the wealthy in order to redistribute wealth to help the poor. For the past three months, since I started at work, I’ve been taxed at basic rate (or “BR”, as its known in the trade), and I was taxed about £300 overall… and I felt robbed. All I could think about was what I could have bought with the money that had been stolen from me by those bastards at the tax office, rather than that the money was helping to finance hospitals, schools and illegal wars. It is until I get my massive tax rebate, anyway.

I think at this rate of moral decline I’ll be looking at a career in either BAE Systems’ marketing department, or as the Conservative Party’s chief fund raiser and honour nominator.

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Flash Mob
December 13th, 2006 at 01:08

I witnessed the most bizarre thing in the centre of Leicester today. At approximately twenty past four when I was walking through town, a crowd of 100 people at the clock tower spontaneously started to have a pillow fight, before stopping and carrying on as normal only minutes later. I’m not making this up.
Aside from the people pillow fighting, there was a fairly large crowd gathered there wondering what was going on, and a few camera crews filming (I spoke to a guy from the BBC, who didn’t seem to know what was going on either).

It was apparently the result of a Flash Mob. Long story short: lots of people told to do something ‘wacky’ at a certain place, at a certain time, and it spreads virally via e-mail, and SMS etc.

Part of me was thinking “2002 called… they want their internet fad back!“, but another part of me was thinking “Cool!“.

I’ve been scouring the internet for pictures and video of the event to try and provide some sort of visualisation of what I saw, but despite it being an invention of viral marketing, no one who was there have bothered to upload their pictures.

It makes me wonder if I could pull off a stunt like this myself: after all you’re reading the internet, right now. So here’s the plan everyone: On January 1st, at about midnight, I want everyone to spontaneously start cheering and celebrating in a public place- the general public won’t have a clue what’s going on!

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Civil Rights for Terrorists
December 10th, 2006 at 23:33

I think the time has come for society to recognise that it must once again change. In the past one hundred years society has recognised the rights of women, black people and homosexuals, and has begun to treat them as equals at long last. Now I believe society must once again have a seismic shift, and recognise the rights of another historically persecuted minority: the terrorists.

These poor, down-trodden individuals are treated like criminals everywhere they go, and can’t even walk the streets of Britain without being stopped by the police, just for being who they are.

Is it really fair that if a terrorist walks on to a bus they are discriminated against and get no choice on where they sit, and whether or not they blow it up?

When terrorists go to airports they’re the victims of profiling. They’re not allowed to board aeroplanes just because they’re carrying explosives! Its political correctness gone mad!

It sickens me that people cannot learn to tolerate some of the most misunderstood sections of our society.

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Away with the manger!
December 9th, 2006 at 15:39

You might recognise that headline from today’s Daily Mail. The, cough, “story“, cough, is complaining about how of a Daily Mail survey of 5,500 Christmas cards (!), only one in one hundred had a picture that depicted the Nativity story. Don’t worry, I haven’t bought a copy of the paper, I’ve looked up the story on LexisNexis after seeing the front page.

As you might expect, there’s some typical Daily Mail quotes:

“Tory MP Philip Davies said card manufacturers who ditched Christmas symbols were victims of ‘politically-correct madness’.”

“Home Secretary John Reid has condemned ‘mad political correctness’ after reports of businesses and councils banning Christmas references.”

Now, aside from questioning the news values of the Daily Hate, I can’t understand why the headline isn’t “FREE MARKET IN REFLECTING CONSUMER DEMAND SHOCK”. The reason that there isn’t any greetings cards showing religious stuff is because most people celebrate Christmas for non-religious reasons (only 18% of people practice religion… and that includes all religions). I know loads of people who are not just non-Christians, but active participants in other religions, who “do” Christmas.

“CHRISTMAS IN ‘NOT JUST A RELIGIOUS FESTIVAL ANYMORE’ SHOCK”. If it was just a religious thing, then it’d go relatively unnoticed whilst the rest of us just get on with our lives- like St George’s Day (a day based on another true story about a bloke slaying a dragon), and it’d only be marked by a small sect of lunatics with irrational beliefs (like the BNP with St George, presumably).

I think the commercialisation, or more accurately, the mass appeal version of Christmas is excellent- not only are people united in slacking on the same day, exchanging presents regardless of religion, but we get an hour’s special episode of Doctor Who.

The article complains:

“Stephen Green, of the Christian Voice group, called for a boycott of non-religious cards. He said: ‘The fact that so many cards barely allude to Christmas is very sad and disquieting. The card that suggests the shepherds had been smoking strange substances is not just unfunny, it is also deeply offensive. People should go out of their way to buy proper Christmas cards and help to bring pressure on manufacturers and those who sell them.’”

Christ on a bike, Stephen Green! Get some perspective! I’m sure there are bigger issues you could be tackling: what about all of those gays that allowed to roam the streets or those non-believers coming over here, taking our jobs?

And not being funny, but I think those wise men must have been smoking something if they thought that they’d follow a star just to see where it leads. That’s not normal.
“As well as ignoring Jesus and his angels, the greeting cards industry is cashing in on the increasing breakdown of traditional family. One is addressed to ‘A Special Mum and Your Partner’. Another proclaims ‘You’re Just Like A Daddy To Me’.”

Oh no! Society in ‘not complying with out of date middle class values‘ shocker.

I could probably complain about the Daily Mail every day if I really wanted to.

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