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So he’s dead, just like my faith in humanity and the post-2003 Iraqi legal system. If there’s one thing that struck me about the video of Saddam having the noose put around his neck, aside from the general creepiness about watching a man die, it was the terrible production values.
It was one of the biggest events in recent history, yet the lighting was poor, the camera work was shoddy, and the studio looked dirty and unpleasant. I think Osama Bin Laden’s 2004 Election Special broadcast was better produced than this monstrosity.
And I think that was the problem- dressing up the executioners like terrorists, complete with balaclavas, and filming it with a handheld camera doesn’t exactly add any legitimacy to your murder video. It was even leaked to an arabic news channel, so the only video of it we have is covered in garish unpolished graphics… just like the Bin Laden tapes, which on a psychological level makes you think “terrorists!”, and thus, “murder of a human being who has been denied fair legal process!”.
If they wanted to do this properly, and with some credibility, they ought to have filmed the execution in HD, in a well lit studio with some photogenic and well known executioners: perhaps Ant & Dec?
Essentially I’m trying to say that if you’re going to murder a helpless man in custody you should do it in a spectacular way.
It appears that not only do I have the ear of those in power in London, I also have influence on those in power in Iraq, too. Just yesterday I posted about the lame news agenda, and now they’ve decided to murder Saddam Hussein. Er, result, I guess.
As you might have guessed, I’m not too happy about this. Not least because the biography of Saddam on my shelf has become out of date - I’m hoping they’ll release an expansion pack or a patch to sort that out.
Its not as if there’s going to be much point in killing him- I mean, they’re stepping up the number of troops out in Baghdad, so they can’t exactly claim that its going to sort out the Iraq mess.
Watching the coverage of this is a bit like the countdown to new year, only with a slight more depressing conclusion. Rather than just “…is that it? I’m going to bed” at ten past midnight, someone’s actually going to die at the end of this. So basically, just like the whale.
I’ve got the Sky Plus set to tape Al Jazeera and Fox News overnight, and I’m staying up to watch the coverage on News 24. Yeah, I don’t have to be up tomorrow. I’m not entirely sure what I’m expecting, other than “Oh, he’s dead now”, and a switch to the past tense, but its bound to be exciting.
I think the people I feel most sorry for in all of this are the Somalis. They tried their hardest to get their little civil war up the news agenda over Christmas by kicking the Islamic Courts out of Mogadishu, yet now once again nobody cares. They’ve had Ethiopian troops intervening and an Interim President returning to the capital yet all I want to see is the end of the Saddam Hussein story-arc. The only way Somalia are going to get any attention is if they do a Catherine Tate and pop-up with something new just after Saddam is dead and buried.
The worst part is that as a viewer I’m helpless. I can’t send in a text vote to decide whether Saddam lives or dies, I can’t vote out the guys doing it at the next election, and I can’t claim to be personally affected so I can’t become a publicity whore for my cause (like Jamie Oliver, for lack of a better example). And I don’t think even Michael Jackson’s lawyers could make Saddam innocent- not in the next hour, at least.
So I’m just waiting for this gruesome spectacle to happen, and for the cycle of violence in Iraq to continue! Hooray!
As you might have noticed, I’m something of a news junkie. From the second I wake up in the morning until I collapse into bed at night, I’m constantly watching the news channels, refreshing the news websites and trying to stay up to date with what is going on.
If news dries up, I’ll go roaming the street, mugging unsuspecting members of the public, asking them for their tedious family news, just to see me through the day. I know that Uncle Nobody having his hernia operation and Mrs Inconsequential’s son passing his driving test isn’t the usual high quality news that I get from my dealer (a Mr R. Murdoch), but it keeps me from sobering up and realising what a horrible mess I have become.
Because of this, Christmas is a particularly bad time if you’re hooked, because nothing seems to happen. Westminster and Washington have shut down for Christmas, so the news channels resort to covering things they wouldn’t normally touch: like the latest developments in Somalia, which is actually quite a good thing. Its just the rest of the filler that irritates me.
Press releases are able to be published almost word-for-word (have a click and compare these two links- its terrifying), as editorial integrity is thrown out of the window by the stand-in editors who have taken over during the holiday period, and news programmes are filled with fluffy items that have been prepared days in advance.
On Christmas Eve on News 24, there was a live satellite link up to a shopping centre, where the correspondent was reporting on, er, Christmas shopping, and there was a five minute interview with someone about buying perfume, which ended by handing back to the presenter in the studio saying “I just saw generic famous actor… I think he was doing some Christmas shopping!”
Christmas day is just as bad for news: “The Pope did this, the Queen said that”- tedious predictable stuff, basically. Even celebrity deaths aren’t very exciting, as the news that they’re dead can’t continue to break: “James Brown is still dead” etc.
And then boxing day is more live link ups to shopping centres, for coverage on boxing day sales. Thrilling stuff.
If any Whales are reading, do me a favour and swim up the Thames, please.
Merry Christmas everyone! As you might expect, today has been the most fantastic of days. I’m not entirely sure how they managed it, but my excellent parents managed to get me a Wii. Yes, a Wii - ending a story arc that’s lasted at least ten days.
I’m pleased to say that it lives up to expectations. Here’s a badly produced video of me boxing:
I think one of the best things about it is that my entire family have been having a go (despite only having the one controller). We’ve been playing Wii Sports all day- and I think its pretty clear that Nintendo have created a revolution in video games when I’m getting thrashed at virtual ten-pin bowling and and virtual golf by my parents and even my 75 year old grandad. It was interesting because today was the first time I’ve played “golf” since I smashed my grandad around the head with a golf club in Cromer when I was about twelve. Luckily history didn’t repeat itself today. Here’s an exciting video of my grandad having a go at Wii boxing… and winning:
Yeah, he now joins the ranks of the hundreds of other “old people playing computer games” videos on YouTube.
Other present highlights include the atlas I got my sister. The hilarious family in-joke is that she wants to study Geography at University, yet she can’t find Germany on a map. In something a pre-empted retaliation, she got me a book on the worst multi-storey car parks in the country.
Yeah, its been a good day. An excellent day. Merry Christmas everyone!
Christmas Blog Special! Here’s something I wrote ages ago that hasn’t been published here before!
Backstory: I wrote this for e-mail newsletter The Friday Thing a few months ago… hence why its not so much in my usual style.
For some reason, nine hundred million people in the world believe in places called Heaven and Hell. Obviously, those who believe will be fully expecting to go to Heaven, and spend eternity on a cloud, laughing it up with Jesus, Florence Nightingale, Martin Luther King, and Princess Diana.
Unfortunately, the entry criteria is quite strict. You can’t do any killing or coveting your neighbour, whatever that means. It makes you wonder just who will go to heaven. This week, we asked a group of celebrities and well known people whether they think that they are going to heaven, or to hell.
Essentially, the celebs that we contacted either thought they were going to heaven, were unsure, or turned out to be atheists.
Kate Lawler, winner of Big Brother 3, said ‘Heaven, I’ve done more good than bad in my life and I’ve never committed a horrible crime!’. It’s interesting that a couple of days after this reply was received, Kate’s picture was splashed across the front of the Daily Star with the headline “COCAINE, ORGIES & ME”. Whoops.
Astrologer Russel Grant, who should probably have more knowledge than most on this subject, too thinks that he is going to heaven. It’s almost a sales pitch:
‘I think I will be going to heaven. (Don’t we all?) The reason why I think I will be going to heaven is that I genuinely care about people, I try to help other people through various charities and by donating my time and money to causes both locally and nationally. I also have a strong and committed Christian faith which is a great help and guide to me in everyday life. So, fingers crossed - I hope I shall be going to heaven.’
Lee & Herring, of Lee & Herring fame proved to be an interesting contrast in opinion.
Stewart Lee gave a somewhat depressing response ‘sorry, i don’t believe they exist, rotting down into nothing is my idea of heaven’, whilst his one-time partner Richard Herring was much more insightful:
‘It depends on who is running the show. I think I am a good and moral person, who understands that human beings have instincts that aren’t necessarily bad things whatever religions tell us. I have done nothing truly bad. It would seem a shame to burn me in Hell forever given that I have done my best, but according to some readings of religious texts this is my only possible fate.
‘So if God is like he should be, and a bit of a laugh then I am in Heaven (with pretty much everyone, because God would accept that he made people the way they are and so it’s not really their fault). If God is how everyone else thinks he is then Hell. But purgatory from some wishy-washy readings of the Bible.’
Lenny Henry was slightly more upbeat about his afterlife prospects. ‘I’m going to heaven cos my mom said so - but I might get a day pass for the other place because that’s where all the good bands are gonna be playing.’
Norman Lovett, otherwise known as Holly from Red Dwarf, gave a nice response. ‘I think I will be going somewhere between those places, perhaps somewhere called helen. How the fuck should I know!’
Helen, otherwise known as Purgatory, was a common response for celebs looking to not commit either way - presumably they’re hedging their bets, just in case it turns out Hinduism was the correct religion.
BBC Correspondent Guto Harri, Labour MP Michael Gapes and Conservative MP Julie Kirkbride all think they’ll be spending time in Purgatory. That’s marginally better than our elected representatives hoping to go to Hell… although that goal *would* explain the privatisation of the railways.
We think that we quite upset ultra-leftwing Labour MP Jeremy Corbyn. ‘How about that they are both injurious to health and have done nothing for children’s health or well being And we should not be promoting them, even in jest?’ We’d feel a bit guilty about this, although not as much as when we got an e-mail back from children’s TV legend and Zoe Ball’s dad, Johnny (Ball).
‘You’re calling death, just a bit of fun? I don’t know the answer - but if I can get back to you on it, I will. Meanwhile, let’s think about living.’
Silly questions from the internet seem to get on Wogan-alike Ken Bruce’s nerves too. ‘I have no doubt that I am going to heaven - because of my infinite patience and kindliness as proved by my replies to questions via e-mail!’.
Christine Hamilton, face of British Sasuage Week, and wife of disgraced MP Neil Hamilton, claimed ‘I’m very definitely going to heaven - I’ve been a good girl all my life!’
Paul Burrell, Princess Diana’s rock, wrote, ‘I really can’t answer that Question… It’s down to someone else, not me…’ How Mysterious.
Maggie Philbin, more commonly known as ‘Chegger’s ex-wife’, cleverly avoids answering the question directly. ‘Oh my God, I’m far too superstitious to answer this one…but obviously, one of the choices does seem more attractive than the other’, she says.
Uri Geller meanwhile simply tells us that he doesn’t know, although closes by saying “much energy”.
Former Gamesmaster Dominik Diamond, perhaps sensing an opportunity, plugged his new programme to us:
‘I’m just putting the finishing touches to a documentary for Channel 5 in which I travelled halfway across the world on a journey to reignite my lapsed Catholic faith.
‘The journey was successful and involved me making what’s called a general confession in a Jesuit retreat. As a result I had to list and confess all the sins I’d ever committed. I was absolved of all of these by one of the world’s top Jesuits.
‘So - technically speaking - I’d be mightily pissed off if I felt the prick of Satan’s fork if I was hit by a bus tomorrow.
‘Mind you I’ve been an asshole for much of my life so things could change…’
Some of the participants were staunch atheists - former Broom Cupboard presenter Andy Crane, as well as The Gadget Show’s Jason Bradbury both think that, in Bradbury’s words, that they will be ‘reconstituted form of carbon - probably something humiliating like a loo brush’.
Marcia Wallace, the woman who does the voice of Mrs Krabappel on The Simpsons, explained that she’ll be reincarnated. ‘I’m a Buddhist, so I’ll be back’, she says with a slightly sinister undertone.
Her Excellency, The Austrian Ambassador to London, Dr Gabriele Matzner-Holzer, a key player in Austria-UK relations, tries to use us as her springboard to eternal paradise. ‘If I were to say I don’t believe in these things I would probably end up in hell for not believing. If I said I believe in them I would end up in the same place for lying. If I believe in these destinations and would say that I deserve heaven I would go to hell for hubris. But having tried to answer your question might earn me a space in heaven.’
Finally, five more MPs responded - all reckoned they were going to heaven except Gisela Stuart, the Labour MP for Birmingham Edgbaston. ‘Neither, I prefer it to just be over!’ Not saying anything, but could this be remorse at her strong support for the invasion of Iraq?
Madeleine Moon (Labour), John Thurso (LibDem), Rudi Vis (Labour) and Greg Mulholland are all hoping for heaven.
The fact that John Prescott (”Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”), Tony Blair (”Thou Shalt Not Kill”), and Michael Howard (”Thou Shalt Not Overrule Him”) didn’t take the time to respond speaks volumes. Or more specifically: proves they’ve got more important things to do than respond to silly e-mail surveys.
Er, despite what I promised in the video, there’s no more video than that. Well, there is, but I can’t post it because most of my family read this blog. Long story short: yeah, it was alright, really.
Have I ever told you about my old driving instructor? No? Then gather round, kids.
He was a funny old man. He was 64 when he taught me to drive, and he had all of the age based stereotypes to go along with it. He complained about his ailments, complained about the youth of today- telling me how being a student is a “waste of time” and how I was just “leeching off the state”, and he was a bit racist too.
I say a bit racist: he’d point out black people when he saw them and draw comparisons with monkeys, that sort of thing. Yeah, I thought comments like that died out in about 1930 too. He once spent an entire ninety minute driving lesson telling me racist jokes, and this is unfortunately no exaggeration.
“What does God say when a black person is born?”, he’d say (he told me this joke a number of times)…. “Whoops, burnt another one”- and then worst of all, he’d wait for a reaction, and sort of lean towards me expecting me to burst into fits of laughter.
The trouble was, I didn’t know how to react. I mean, do I confront him over his horrific views? Bearing in mind he was basically in charge of my life, as I was trapped in a car with him, and I was driving around small country lanes ideal for dumping a body, or around towns I was unfamiliar with. I generally opted for a sort of “groaning” noise, as if to say “that’s not funny, you awful racist”, but in a fun way.
What made it worse that on the few occasions where I actually considered what was going on: the fact that I was trying to pilot an automobile through town centre traffic whilst an old man made comments that would look out of place in a BNP manifesto, I actually laughed at him. The absurdity of the situation was funny- the trouble is, he interpretted this as me saying “I find your jokes that perpetuate racist stereotypes amusing, please tell me some more”, so he dutifully complied with my, er, request.
He’d protest when he sensed that I was perhaps not enjoying his humour as much as him “I’m not racist”, he’d repeatedly tell me, “I know as many white jokes as black jokes”, he’d say, before telling me yet another ‘black joke’. This happened constantly.
He was a bit sexist too- he’d often make comments like “look at the arse on her” towards women aged anywhere between like, 14 and 70. He’d also point out the opposite: “look at her, she’s built like a brick shit house“, he said to me on a number of occasions. Needless to say that I tried to remain focused on the task at hand (driving!) as much as possible.
Once, he made me pull up at the side of the road so that he could point at a pedestrian walking along and ask me “do you think he’s gay?”, based entirely on the way in which the pedestrian was walking. Seriously.
I suppose the worst part is that he wasn’t even a very good instructor. It was 15 months before I attempted my first test, and I failed that anyway. I got a new instructor a few weeks later. I think I’d blame his teaching equally as much as my ineptitude at driving for it taking me far too long to learn to drive.
There’s some things in life that you know you’ll never see- and I’m not just talking about Richard Littlejohn being drowned in a vat of his own liquidised bodily fluids.
Not that I’ve ever been to one, but classical music concerts to me always conjure up the image of boring posh people in suits and dresses, seated, watching an orchestra go on for ages- followed by a polite clap at the end. I can’t imagine there being much atmosphere, or at least not as much as some of the gigs that I’ve been to. I’d love to see a classical music gig that’s more like a punk gig.
I’d like to see the conductor scream at the end of the song “One more time!” and “Make some fucking noise!” before repeating the chorus, and bantering with the (double) bassist about the drugs they’ve taken before the show. I’d like to see a pit form and get so violent that members of the audience lose their monacles, and as seems to inexplicably happen at most of the gigs I go to, lose their shoes too. I’d like to see the audience scream “play four seasons you cunts!” after the conductor name-drops the town they’re playing in. I’d like to see them cover Take on Me or No Woman, No Cry, like every punk band seems to do. And why can’t they hold a microphone at the audience and get them to sing the chorus on the most popular songs?
And at the end of the show I’d like to buy a black t-shirt with the orchestras logo and a decaying skull with a mouse in the eye socket on.
Product launches frustrate me- and make me wonder why people will queue outside of the shop for days beforehand, just to get their hands on a Wii or a Playstation 3 or whatever. Why don’t queues form outside Currys in preparation for the new Dyson launch? Where are the Dyson fanboys who will religiously defend their appliance against allegations from Hoover fans of bad build quality? Where is the flaming on internet message boards about how the Dyson 360’s triple core means that it can process more gigacrumbs per second than the single core Hoover? (Although the hoover does come with a bag built in).
And monks- why don’t they seem to get pissed off? I’ve been stopped by them before, and they speak in such a calm, peaceful way that you can’t imagine them raising their voice even if Richard Littlejohn was to say something shocking to them. I think it’d be excellent to see an angry monk. “You… you… better watch it! Or I’ll write a firmly worded letter of complaint and meditate so hard I’ll have more inner-peace than you”- whilst the other monks are shouting in desperation “leave it out! he’s not worth it!”.
So 2006 is nearly over, and since January 1st, I’ve written 270 blog entries up until this point. Has this been a waste of time? Well, probably, but that’s besides the point.
I’d like to try and engage you lovely readers in a direct way: I want to know which were your favourite blog entries. Have a look back through the archive using the navigation on the right, and post a comment telling me what you liked reading about and that. If enough of you respond, I’ll do a follow up update linking to the, er, most popular things.
Go on, don’t be shy- if you’ve never posted a comment before, why not start today? Use a pseudonym if you must.
Maybe you liked the MP Coke survey? Or the time I went horse riding? Maybe the video of me trying to buy a Wii? Basically I want to do some market research and pass it off as a new and exciting blog update.
So go on, tell me what you liked, so it’ll get included in my review of the year blog entry that I’ll probably write next week some time.
I hate you. I think you’re a cunt. I hope you’re vain enough to search Technorati for yourself so that you see this. If I had the energy, I’d list a series of reasons explaining why I would happily starve you of oxygen and stamp on your face whilst wearing a boot with nails for studs, but I think this quote from your latest column about the Ipswich murders neatly sums up my point:
“That doesn’t make it justifiable homicide, but in the scheme of things the deaths of these five women is no great loss. They weren’t going to discover a cure for cancer or embark on missionary work in Darfur.”
I think your death, Richard Littlejohn, would be no great loss- in fact, I would consider it a cause for celebration. You’re not going to discover a cure for cancer or embark on missionary work in Dafur. Is the world really better off that you’re polluting it with hate-filled bile?
I’m seriously struggling to write a coherent sentence, because you have made me so angry. I originally planned this post to be simply a link to your column followed by the word “cunt” a few hundred times.
Seriously, what the fuck? Its hard to express how completely wrong you are, because I find myself feeling physically sick when I actually think about what you’ve written both in this column and in the past.
