Suicide Bombers and Emo Kids
November 26th, 2006 at 19:56

“WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY, MY FATHER TOOK ME INTO THE CITY TO SEE A MARCHING BAND!

HE SAID ‘SON WHEN YOU GROW UP, WOULD YOU BE, THE SAVIOUR OF THE BROKEN, THE BEATEN AND THE DAMNED?!‘”

No, the words above aren’t from a video of an Al Qaeda suicide bomber explaining how his father encouraged him to martyr himself, they are in fact words from a My Chemical Romance song. I think suicide bombers and emo kids are easily confused though.

Both sit in dark rooms crying about how no one understands them, posting videos on to the internet. On their videos, they hide their faces with their hair or a headscarf, talking about great injustices. The only difference is that only one of the two groups tend to badly mime to songs.

Both have been indoctrinated by their cultural influences, leading them to self harm- whether it be by using razor blades or strapping bombs to themselves and detonating.

Both are disliked equally as much by their more moderate peers, but I guess only one is going to care about how many friends they have on MySpace.

Both to the casual observer look like another, better, subculture (punk and Islam- try to guess which is which), and both of the mistaken subcultures have tried to distance their selves from them.

And since around 2001, both types of people seem to have been spreading like the plague. Albeit a slightly underwhelming plague.

I guess a joke about the Bali bombings and a “Panic! At the Disco” would be in poor taste, right?

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People at work
November 25th, 2006 at 02:10

The other day, I was talking to a guy at work who explained to me how he’s going to Tanzania for eight months to help a kid with his dyslexia. That’s a pretty incredible thing to do- and even more so from my point of view, as I don’t think I’d last eight minutes. He explained how he’d set up this trip after talking to his priest, and how it was an inter-churchy thing.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after the conversation had ended that I realised that throughout the conversation with a guy who must be a pretty hardcore Christian, that I’d been repeatedly exclaiming “God!“, to sort of illustrate how impressed I was with what he was doing (I don’t sound as camp as this makes me sound).

Now, I blaspheme all of the time. In fact, I’ll go out of my way when conversing just so I can slip in a “Christ on a bike!”, or a “Jesus!“, but I feel a bit guilty about breaking a major Christian rule in front of a Christian. I’m not sure why though- I don’t feel guilty about, say, talking in front of silent monks or break-dancing in front of the disabled.

Thankfully, he didn’t react by damning me to hell or anything- even when I asked him if he had an emergency contact out there, before answering the question myself with “…I suppose that’s God”.

It also turned out the other day that since starting work in September, I’ve been working with someone who is a former hypnotist. Lee (from work) told me that someone was a hypnotist a few weeks before I found out his identity, so it was quite a shock when I found out that it was the guy who sits about two metres away from me. He didn’t look too pleased when I asked him if his former occupation is the reason he passed the interview.

Today at work, I had quite a bizarre revelation. One of my colleagues explained how she travels around in her friend’s sports car at 100mph without wearing a seatbelt. I was shocked. I was at a loss to explain this incredible lapse in safety, so my reaction was mostly a series of half-words punctuated by my gaping mouth hitting the desk.

She seemed surprised that I wear a seatbelt- and she went on to explain that she’ll only wear a seatbelt in her car, if she’s driving. What the fuck?

The worst thing was that a number of my colleagues seemed to agree with her about not always wearing a seatbelt, claiming they won’t on short journeys, or if the driver is a “good driver”. There was even a derisory snort when I “admitted” that I wear a seatbelt whilst sat in the backseat of a car!

Am I missing something? Has it suddenly become uncool to wear a seatbelt? Is it the done thing to not bother wearing a seatbelt as long as you trust the driver? Is wearing a seatbelt whilst sat in the back that mental?

Readers, do you wear a seatbelt? Or am I alone in trying to remain vaguely safer?

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Too Obvious?
November 24th, 2006 at 01:43

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Tories in “still out of touch” shock
November 24th, 2006 at 01:16

You’ve probably seen in the news that the Tories have launched a new website aimed at “young people” like myself, offering advice on debt and that. It turns out, that anyone with personal debt are “tossers”, according to David Cameron.

That’s, erm… most of the population, and a shitload of the people you need to win over to win the next election, Dave. Calling people “tossers” isn’t endearing, especially when the cause of them being a “tosser” is Conservative fiscal policy. Way to go, Mr former-PR man.

That’s right, the school rich kid- the one who wears the suit and has the PDA and has the parents who own “land”, is sneering at you and calling you a “tosser” because you’re poor. He’s laughing at you right now.

I think the one thing that bugs me about this, aside from the rich talking down to the poor in a sickeningly patronising way, is the fact that the website is suggesting you take FINANCIAL ADVICE from NORMAN LAMONT’s advisor (Cameron).

That’s like taking parenting advice from Ian Huntley. Or Not-wife-beating advice from Jim Davidson (who is a close friend of William Hague).

Maybe this is a psychological bit of electioneering? I mean, if the Tories can make us think that we’re tossers, maybe we’ll be more inclined to vote for actual tossers at the next election?

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OJ Simpson
November 21st, 2006 at 02:11

Have you seen this OJ Simpson thing? He was going to write a book about how he would have killed his wife, if, erm…, it was him who did it after all. It has been cancelled now because of public outrage (I’d never have predicted that), but still.

Yeah, that’s right, a guy who was acquitted of murder was going to write a book on how to kill his wife. Seriously: what the fuck? I imagine even domestic violence’s biggest fans would have raised some concerns about that.

I think this also marks the first time that I’ve ever agreed with Bill O’Reilly (I mean, the gist of what he’s saying, I’m sure he still made a twat of himself expressing his opinion that this book is probably a bad idea).

I think one of the worst aspects of this is that it would probably the world’s laziest book. Surely killing someone is much easier than not killing someone. If you were a murderer, I mean. It’s not as if you can hurt your victim too much. Writing about how you could kill someone in an entirely hypethetical scenario is the easiest thing in the world. Here are some of the ways that I’d kill OJ Simpson’s wife…

1. Throw a brick at her
2. Set fire to her
3. Tie a rope around her neck and throw her off a bridge
4. Throw her off a bridge
5. Domestic violence
6. Claim I was trying to give her a bath but she slipped
7. Take her to a field of bulls when she’s wearing red
8. Push her into a jet engine on the wing of a 747
9. Tie her down to train tracks and wait
10. Stab her in the face

I can’t really see how OJ could come up with any better methods.

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Casino Royale
November 20th, 2006 at 02:29

I went to see Casino Royale this evening with JD and Gina. Things didn’t start out too well when it wasn’t until I was half way to Leicester that I realised that we were in fact going to see the film in Kettering. Whoops.

I haven’t seen many Bond films- I’ve only seen the Pierce Brosnan ones. And I’ve played Goldeneye on the N64 an awful lot too, if that counts. So I guess this review isn’t going to be yet another tedious debate on who is the best Bond.

The film got off to a good start, and I liked the clever introduction sequence with the playing cards theme. It seemed quite cleverly done, and almost made up for Chris Cornell, who was busy selling out, whilst singing the theme song.

Did I mention that I’ll probably have a few spoilers in this post? No? Tough.

There were some good action sequences, with a chase involving a crane which were particularly spectacular. The acting parts were good too- there was some plot about financing terrorists and causing a media spectacle, and so on.

Unfortunately, the plot was where it got a bit confusing. As far as I can tell, everyone in the film seemed to be a double-agent of sorts, apart from James Bond and Judi Dench. The film seemed to have approximately thirty ending sequences, and I found myself getting up from my seat, ready to leave. Just when there had been a nice pleasant ending bit, crash! Smash! Whoosh! And there was another action scene that was triggered by someone else being a baddie after all.

The gist of the plot revolved around a big poker game arranged by this bloke who finances terrorists (who I’m sure I’ve seen in something before). It probably didn’t help that I don’t understand how to play poker. From what I can tell it mostly involves taking breaks from playing to go and kill some terrorists in a stairwell, before returning to the table and coming out with a witticism that acts as a dig towards the terrorist banker.

It was also nice to see a character who works for the treasury- she was practically doing my job, so I assume its only a matter of time before I get training with firearms, and how to do undercover work gambling with terrorists.

There was a good bit (and here’s a major spoiler) when he does a complete U-turn in an opinion when it turned out that the woman had been leading him on and had stabbed him in the back. “The bitch is dead now”. It made him sound like a right nasty piece of work.
It was a good film though- I’ll certainly go and see the sequel when they make one. Better than the Brosnan bonds? I’m too apathetic to decide (ie: probably).

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CiN & Punishment
November 18th, 2006 at 03:31

I’m currently experiencing a horrible pain in my ears. Every few seconds my face is screwing up to try and hide the embarassement as a cold shiver chills my spine.

Yeah, I’m watching Children in Need.

I’d certainly like to see the children in the cast of the Sound of Music in need of some sort of of medical attention (ideally: missing vocal chords).

Yeah, it’s easy to criticise children over the internet.

I usually like a big televisual event- I get to read nerdy things on forums about how the East Midland’s soft-opt*’s ticker isn’t conforming to the official branding guidelines- that sort of thing. But Children in Need is particularly awful. And I don’t just say that as someone who doesn’t like children.

At least Comic Relief is also funny and isn’t just a parade of has-been pop acts and failing west-end shows trying to boost their profile. I’d go as far as saying that I can’t think of a worse way to spend an evening than with sick kids and The Sugarbabes.

Thankfully, I’ve missed most of the festivities, having been at work all evening, but I have managed to see the newsreaders do their thing. This year they did a spoof of the Bond films, and had the likes of Jeremy Bowen and Kate Silverton fist fighting. Kaplinsky was in it too, of course. As much as I enjoy seeing news readers kick arse, it did raise a slightly Daily Mail question inside me: these are people who day in, day out report about shootings, murders, international terrorism etc… and here they are prancing about, pretending to kill people? Yeah, I know its for charity, and I know I seem to be shifting to the “I’m offended by the wind changing direction” right (aka Mediawatch). In fact, I’m going to be a proper cunt and baselessly accuse the BBC of bias by having the voices of the news endorse an interventionist foreign policy that sees British agents meddle in the affairs of other nations by shooting their Germans and sleeping with their women.

The other problem with the Newsreader/Bond thing was that it featured Rob Bonnet, who’s a sports presenter.

As I type, they seem to have extended the programme by 20 minutes, because they havn’t beat last year’s total yet, and they’re showing a compilation of what I’ve apparently missed. This basically seems to amount to a string of forgettable musical performances and bizarrely, some out of place impressions/satire from Rory Bremner (are the career Sainsburys tillmonkeys in the audience with their big cheque really going to spot an obscure veiled references to the cash for peerages enquiry?).

The compilation doesn’t seem to feature any clips from the hundreds of times when the presenters, who are three well known and experienced TV personalities, kept talking over each other with equally meaningless bollocks between each item. “I’m loving the shoes”, “The shoes are lovely”, “I your shoes”, All said simultaneously to one guest. And they seem to be competing for airtime, each having to chip in a comment in each link. Wogan: “We welcome some classical music people singing the Modern Toss theme tune”, Kaplinksky, just as the music starts and after the cameras have cut away from her: “Welcome!”.

Obvious joke that every criticial commentator makes every year: they ought to make us donate in order to stop them showing this rubbish.
(* This is when a region opts out of network, but takes the network feed and merely super-imposes some captions or a ticker or something on top… do they even do the regional opt-outs anymore?)

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Anonymous Blogging
November 17th, 2006 at 02:49

Its annoying having a blog that is obviously written by me. As my name is plastered all over this website, and I’m a shameless egotist, it’d be pretty hard to say anything of any substance on here. Which is why I mostly talk bollocks.

Ages ago, I nearly got sacked from my old job at a well known highstreet hardware store, for writing about it on the internet.  Thankfully my former co-workers mostly saw the funny side, so they stuck to hating me behind my back rather than publically lynching me using the own-brand gallows in the seasonal section of the store. It probably helped that I was coincidentally starting university and thus leaving the store the week after they found my blog.
There’s so many things I could tell you lovely readers about, but it’d get me into no-end of trouble, or at least into no-end of awkward conversations with people from different parts of my life. Today there was some major shit going on at work (and there was a wonderful Office style moment that I can’t tell you about), but it is written into my contract that I can’t to the press, so I instead have to refer you to the press office.

Likewise, I can’t really talk about all of the amusing moments at University, because for all I know, the lecturer who I might want to make a wry comment about could well be reading this blog.

The lack of anonymity that I’ve given myself worries me a bit. Surely any future employer is going to google my name and find things that I’ve written going back a number of years? And without the context of all of the other rubbish I’ve ever written, am I going to one day be answering questions about teamwork and problem solving in a job interview, before suddenly being asked why I think that slavery should be legalised?

Gah, I should have used a pseudonym.

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Congress to Campus
November 15th, 2006 at 22:13

Today was an interesting day- the university had organised an event called Congress to Campus, where they’d invited two (former) Congressmen to the, erm, Campus. Because of this, all of the students studying anything vaguely related to America (International Relations, American Studies, Gluttony 101, etc), spent six hours in a lecture theatre with Tom Downey (D-NY) and Lou Frey (R-FL).

Apart from just us normal students, the uni had invited A-level students from a number of local schools, and insisted they all take DMU brochures and pens. Sat in front of me were some posh kids from the private grammar school, all wearing their suits with their “I’m a twat” gelled hair. I said rather more loudly than I’d have liked to “I feel underdressed now”… to which, to my horror, one of them turned around and said “I feel overdressed”.

Each hour was based on a different exciting theme, like Foreign Policy, or the Supreme Court, and was introduced by a “British Academic”. Mostly lecturers from my uni, then. After they’d given an introduction, the two Congressmen got to comment, then Q&A with the audience.

The weird thing was that two of the academics looked identical. Both a lecturer from my university, and a guest lecturer from Leicester University both had the same features: bald with black “mad professor” hair around the sides, a little round head, moustache that extends into a beard that takes up the lower face, but doesn’t join with the hair. In fact, I illustrated this phenomenon:

Yeah, its hard to see but I’m sure you can get the gist of it.

At risk of completely contradicting myself, the second identical academic had Jimmy Carr’s face and voice, whilst the first bloke didn’t. It was slightly disconcerting watching him talk as I expected every other line to be a punchline- when this didn’t happen I got even more frustrated when he didn’t speak in a sort of comedic rhythm, as Jimmy Carr does.

The Congressmen themselves tried to crack some jokes though- the Dem told a long, but amusing anecdote about the time he met President Bush, and the Republican seemed to make some poor taste jokes about Ronald Reagan’s Alzheimers, although no one visibly picked up on this. (Apparently Reagan couldn’t remember important stuff whilst he was President).

The horrible thing was the realisation that these generally pleasant looking elderly gents, regardless of their appearance and demeanour, must have some inherent evil built into them. I mean, they’re both former members of Congress… one is a LOBBYIST, surely they must have strangled at least a handful of puppies in their time? The democrat mentioned that massive campaign donations are essentially a form of legalised bribery, and how bad it was… yet his job is to shower corrupt politicians in gifts and free lunches to push the undoubtably evil agenda of his clients! These two men told vaguely amusing anecdotes about President Bush. About how at the 2002 Prague NATO summit, rather than network with world leaders, the President spoke to one of them about exercise machines. Essentially, they were saying how fun it is talking to a war criminal who is currently on the run.

I mean, there was a Republican there, for Christ’s sake- surely the earthly manifestation of pure evil? And here he was being friendly and entertaining, rather than being asked tough questions about the military-industrial complex.

This wasn’t what annoyed me most though- the thing that annoyed me most was the awkward clapping that occured sporadically. After each person’s set, they usually just sat down with no fanfare, but after the aforementioned NATO anecdote, the audience started clapping, and this set an awkward precident. Now when the normal lecturers had finished introducing a topic (such as The Supreme Court), they got a clap, despite essentially doing their normal every-day job and talking to people at the front of a room of staggered seating in the building in which they work, about a topic they know a bit about. It just felt a bit silly, really. I hope someone applauds me at work tomorrow when I process someone’s retirement annuity really well.

But it was a fairly interesting day overall, and I presumably learnt a lot, which I guess is what this all about. So, then: Hooray!

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Rancid
November 14th, 2006 at 16:35

Last night (the 12th), I went to Rock City to see Rancid with Michael.

Getting there was a bit more hassle than I was expecting- we had to take the train since I kind of, sort of, smashed up the car. Nevertheless, we successfully made it to the UK’s gun crime capital (Nottingham), and had to navigate the dark city centre streets.

My navigation was based on half remembered satellite photos that I’d looked up on Google Earth, so in the end we had to ask a pedestrian where Rock City was. As luck would have it, they didn’t pop a cap into my ass, and actually gave some fairly concise directions.

Unlike the last time I went to Rock City, Rancid were playing in the main hall to a sold-out audience of 1800 people. It was packed, yet I was still the one who was hit by a flying bottle of water that had been helpfully thrown in by the people at the front. At least it wasn’t as bad as being hit by a shoe.

I assumed the first band to come on were the local support – the audience didn’t get very excited (apart from some presumably stoned guy who put his arm around Michael and danced) and they were a bit… rubbish. According to the internet they were ancient British punk band GBH. This would actually explain why there was quite a lot of old people there – with old-timey beards and penny-farthings and all.

Next up were The Unseen, who are a band I’ve heard from a number of compilations. They wern’t bad- although every time they started a song, I thought it was the one song of theirs that I’d heard the most. In the end, they played it last- the rest of their songs just sound a bit like it.

Finally, Rancid came on, and Michael and I were pushed further backwards by the large pit that had formed. It doesn’t seem fair that the people who want to actually watch the band are pushed to the back and sides, whereas the people who want to run about and stand on my feet, and not look at the band who are performing, get the best spot in the venue.

Nevertheless, it was incredible. Excellently, Rancid’s set was almost entirely songs I knew. Here’s a list of what I can remember them playing (in no particular order):

• Nilhism
• Radio (I think, anyway… they opened on this?)
• Roots Radicals (I think)
• Maxwell Murder
• Blood Clot
• (An Operation Ivy song)
• The War’s End (Acoustic)
• Fall Back Down (Acoustic, I think)
• (A Billy Bragg cover, apparently, in acoustic)
• Time Bomb
• Olympia, WA
• Sidekick
• Ruby Soho (finished the encore on this, obviously)
• (A couple of songs from the albums I don’t own)

Yeah, my memory is rubbish. I did spent the latter part of the gig trying to record videos on my camera- unfortunately the sound is terrible and the camera work is below par. So I won’t bother uploading anything to YouTube, as I’m sure you can imagine what “psckhhhhhh” over the top of little stick men is like.

It was dead good- definately one of the best gigs that I’ve been to. If any Rancid people are reading this after searching Technorati for themselves: I’ll say some more nice things if you send me some free stuff!

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