Silent Movies
August 14th, 2006 at 16:05

Yesterday, I went to my local slightly-arty cinema with JD and Heggs to watch some silent films. I had planned to ‘write’ this blog update using a series of photos, due to the silent nature of what I’m talking about – but I can’t really express abstract concepts like string theory, liberalism and ’sticking it to the man‘ using pictures.

The films starred Buster Keaton, who looks a bit like Dracula after having his face flattened with a saucepan and a dose of chemotherapy. There were two films on show- Sherlock Jr (the film industry must have been going for only 20 years and already they were churning out lazy spin-offs) and Go West.

JD and Heggs looked like they were already big fans of the genre of “old timey films that most people only know about from parodies on The Simpsons”- I’ve never watched a silent movie in my life. In fact, I always make sure my TV is on maximum volume, whatever the time of day, so that I’ve got a constant handle on what’s going on.

I was under the impression that it’d be alright to talk during the film, as it’s not like you’d miss any important dialogue- unfortunately, this didn’t turn out to be the case.

I’m going to start with a criticism, as bad mouthing old times is easier than saying nice things (Pah! They didn’t even have Segways). The plinky-plonky piano music throughout got a little grating after a while- when you’re used to calm Nicam Stereo noises like the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, The Channel 4 news theme tune and Kofi Annan’s voice, a mono piano played constantly for two hours gets a bit irritating.

The films themselves were certainly interesting to watch though- whilst I wasn’t guffawing at every comedy walk like some members of the audience, it was impressive to see how they managed some of the technical stuff in 1925.

There was one scene where Keaton ran along the top of a train, whilst remaining in frame, jumping between freight carriages, and then when reaching the end of the train jumps on to refuelling arm by the side of the track and gracefully descends to the ground. Impressive- especially as there was no CGI.

There were some dodgy technical issues though- for some insane reason a lot of scenes had sudden jumps, where everything moved slightly, like they’d stopped recording, and then started again from the camera in the same position, creating awful continuity issues. Any modern film maker knows that you splice in a shot from a different angle before returning to the same place, to avoid this.

I think the main problem I have with silent movies is that they rely on slapstick comedy, whereas I prefer biting satire and sparkling wit in my comedy. “I wonder if that pile of barrels he’s sitting on will collapse?”, I thought, “Yet another pratfall! I didn’t see that one coming!”.

Then again, what was I expecting? Speech captions constantly appearing satirising the big issues of the day? “Let’s keep investing our money in shares and stuff… you can’t lose when you play the stock market!” “That new German leader looks a bit like Charlie Chaplin! I wonder if he’s just as entertaining and well liked?”

It just all seemed a bit predictable, I say as a 21st century media savvy twunt. It was like watching a cartoon- exaggerated movements, and jumping about and that.

Overall “alright”… ranks somewhere in the massive void between Downfall and The Battle of Algiers on the arthouse scale of infinite judgement.

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Leftover Crack
August 13th, 2006 at 01:38

I’ve had another excellent evening. This time I was watching yet more live music. I went to the Milton Keynes Pitz again to see the delightfully named Leftover Crack. As you might have guessed by the name, they tend to do shouty punk music about politics and that. Most of their songs seemed to be about killing policemen.

Getting there was slightly easier than last time – this time Bouff and I had satnav at our disposal. On the way there, Bouff wanted to stop of at McDonalds, before, erm, going to see a band who have an album called Fuck World Trade. So we told the satnav to find it.

Now, I love technology- I love forfeiting intuition and paper and putting my life in the hands of microchips and satellites. It’s just a bit of a shame that the satnav took us to an unfinished junction. ‘Lisa’, the voice of the TomTom, told me to “turn right”, so I did without looking to see where I’d end up- there was literally a brownfield site, devoid of life, with only a skip and a few builders tools. I knew I shouldn’t have changed the voice from Tim to Lisa- women can’t navigate, and computerised women are clearly no different.

We finally got to the Pitz, after a terrifying journey that took us essentially blind through a number of residential areas. The first two bands on were both from Leeds… The Mingers and, erm, some other band, the name of which escapes me. They were both rather good.

In fact, here’s a picture of the guitarist of one of the supports doing his thing (ie: playing the guitar):

And here’s a picture of the back of the lead singer of Leftover Crack’s head:

He turned around just as I was taking the photo. Leftover Crack were really good. And they really got the less than half capacity crowd going. Unfortunately, I hadn’t listened to them enough to say “it’s excellent they played x” or “I was rocking out to y”, but they played a good set. The encore had them inviting on stage the other bands and their “roadies”, and having them sit on each others shoulders whilst singing the chorus to the final song. There was almost a party atmosphere- despite the lyrics being about drugs or Nazis or something.

The song wasn’t about how trying to describe a spontaneous act of enthusiasm during a punk rock show sucks any sort of energy or life out of the moment, that the reader didn’t experience anyway.

If it’s a guage of how good they are: I bought two CDs at the end.

At the end of the show, just as we were leaving, the most weird and potentially murderous thing happend. Two girls who were also leaving started shouting at Bouff, who was urinating into a bush at the time, and they asked him if we were going to “[somewhere I've never heard of]“. We wern’t.

“We’ve got satnav! Hop in!”, Bouff cried, whilst my weak willpower forced me to merely make a mental note of where all the valuables in the car were. So I ended up driving at least two miles to a residential area, with people in the car who I didn’t even know. They could have been murderers. I could have been a murderer. They wouldn’t know. They must be mental to have got into a car after blagging a lift from a guy with a ginger afro who was pissing in the street. I don’t think they stole anything- although I havn’t checked the seat pockets in the back, to see if the petrol receipt and Sainsburys carrier bag are still there.

I’m currently taking bets on whether Bouff will log on to their myspace (which he obtained, being the myspace whore that he is) to find out that their hobbies include rape, karate, and car theft. Or more realistically: “music n clubbin & my m8z”.

If the news is anything to go by, they could have been carrying liquid explosives, and have been planning to blow up my car mid-journey.

It was fairly surreal to say the least. I think I’ll require everyone who gets into my (erm, mum’s) car in the future to fill in a basic information form (name, DOB, frag count, etc).

Leftover Crack were good though- and that’s the main thing to take away from this evening. The next gig on my big calendar of gigs is going to be Less Than Jake supported by Capdown and Jessie James, down in Bournemouth. I can’t wait.

I’m going to that one with my dad. Rock on.

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“Muslim Leaders”
August 12th, 2006 at 02:31

So there was a big terrorist attack planned, but luckily enough the people behind it have been caught before they’ve had a chance to do it. What are the government doing now? Next week they’re “having a meeting” with “Muslim leaders”.

I didn’t realise it was that easy to get the leaders of this whole terror thing in for a chat- presumably the Bin Laden and al-Zawahiri, who are the leaders of the would-be bombers, will arrive at Downing Street and exchange gossip with Prezza about the infidel’s occupation of the holy land and the benefits of having a diary secretary, before getting down to business.

I don’t quite understand what getting in “muslim leaders”, whoever they are, is going to do. Next time there is a pile up on the motorway are the government going to call in Jeremy Clarkson and the boss of the RAC for a meeting? And what gives the Muslim leaders any legitimacy in the eyes of the terrorists? It’s not like they’re practicing the same religion (Relatively Nice Islam and Evil Islam). If the Archbishop of Cantebury tried to tell some Catholics how excellent divorce is, the crackpot Catholics would tell him he’s talking shit. They’re practically two different religions that just use the same characters – like how Batman Begins and the original Tim Burton Batman arn’t directly related.

The government are undoubtably going to claim that they’re getting the leaders in to tell them to preach peace, not blowing up planes and ‘be nice’- it’s not like the bad Imams are the ones who will go to Downing Street. I will literally eat a hat if any of the guests who turn up get out of a car in front of Number 10 shouting “death to the west”, “blow up planes” and “steal from children”. All of the moderates who do show will already be on the Government’s side- Prezza, assuming Blair isn’t back, will be literally preaching to the converted. The only dissent the government will get will be ‘the Iraq war is a bit of a bugger because you lied to us and invaded a sovereign nation on a false pretense’, and possibly dissent (descent) by the ‘wacky’ and ‘hip’ Imam who’s ‘down wid da kidz’ and enters Downing Street by parachute.

So basically, I’m suggesting that the government do less work, as this meeting is a bit unneccessary. Then again, perhaps they should hold the meeting- I’d hate to think that they’re slacking over the summer, and it’d give the guests a good story (“I’ve been to Downing Street… Tony has a waste paper bin full of tissues where he’s been wiping the blood from his hands!”).

I’ve been very negative… how would I solve the whole terrorism thing? Stop the problem at the root causes – adopt a real ethical foreign policy, make the manufacture, sale and use of weapons and bombs illegal, and put up a suggestion box on the gates of Downing Street so that people can air their grievances in a constructive and positive way.

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Terraaargh!
August 11th, 2006 at 00:12

Today was an exciting day for television. I could tell you about what I did last night (a very middle-class evening with people drinking wine and discussing the sciences), but I thought you might prefer to hear about what I’ve been watching.

I woke up this morning afternoon, to discover that some major shit had gone down whilst I was asleep. You know it’s big news when BBC One are simultcasting News 24, Sky have got the helicopter out and ITV aren’t promoting a premium rate phone in competition. But yet again I missed the news break.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not a fan of terrorism, or government fear tactics to keep the proletariat scared of an imaginary enemy to sustain the military-industrial complex and retain PAX Americana and the current world order, but I do love breaking news. I find it more exciting than taking crack whilst parachute jumping into a pit of fire and sharks. And better still, watching Jane Hill fill for time because there’s still no new developments, and hyping up a fourthcoming press conference with the king of entertainment that is the US Attourney General, requires less effort.

Essentially, if the news channels flagged up on the screen “Breaking news: life goes on; time expected to pass at usual rate”, I’d be gripped until the banner was taken down.

I’m just a bit dissappointed that, like on July 7th, I was asleep when the news broke- and I was in a Geography lesson during 9/11. Despite the hundreds of hours of news that I’ve watched, the only exciting breaking news that I manage to catch tends to be the pre-arranged stuff, like the result of the Hutton Inquiry (I even took screen captures from a website I gave up when I realised it was just too geeky). I’m tempted to start Sky plussing Sky News and News 24 overnight… just in case.
By nine o’clock I decided that I wasn’t scared enough- so I watch part-3 of the “24 if it were shit” bioterror drama The Hades Factor on Sky One. It’s about an ebola variant – The Hades Virus - turning up in America, and terrorists plan to use it, but the big twist is The Government are behind it! It’s very pedestrian compared to 24- the bodycount by the end of the episode was about three. The best bit was in the first advert break, there was a trailer for Sky News that had been recorded today urging viewers to switch over for more real terror, rather than contrived conspiracy terror.

After this, I was now quaking with fear, half expecting a terrorist to be hunting me down to poor one component of liquid explosives into my bloodstream, and the other component into my coke, and then watching me explode like the combustion I love so much when I next took a sip. So I watched Time Trumpet and played Enemy Territory. Afterall general European war isn’t going to happen again, so I can’t be scared of that.

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Taxman
August 10th, 2006 at 15:29

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na. Taxman!

I’ve got a new job working as an “assistant officer” at HM Revenue & Customs. Yeah, the tax people. This is useful because it means it should be easier to claim back the tax I was, erm, taxed, from my time in the enveloping trade.

So now if you see a piece in the Daily Mail blaming pen-pushing beurocrats and inefficient civil servants, I’ll be one of them!

I love tax, though. Being a left-minded type, I think the distribution of wealth is ace- and now that it’s keeping me in employment, all the better. I’ll be doing a noble duty of ensuring the NHS gets all the money it needs, and the armed forces get enough cash to buy bombs and guns to use on civilians in an endless war in a far away place.

The interview, which took place last week, was interesting- the questions used were almost a carbon copy of the BBC Interview I had- even the paper they were making notes on looked the samed. I was originally applying for the job as officer (not assistant officer)- I think I lost this though as soon as I claimed that I wanted the job because of power. The evil laugh can’t have impressed them much either.

I didn’t ask if I could be paid cash in hand.

Hopefully I’ll have some exciting stories about tax soon. I hope I get to meet Adam Hart Davis.

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Mexican Coke
August 7th, 2006 at 23:23

My mate Heggs is back from his gap year in Belize, Guatemala and Mexico. He’s spent the last six months trekking around a tropical paradise… almost as exciting as what I’ve been doing. Last night he had a big party to celebrate his return.

Excellently, he bought me some Mexican Coke back- apparently it tastes slightly different to its American (and presumably British) equivilent. It tasted lovely- and was a 600ml bottle, compared to the 550ml crap you get here. It was lovely- and probably had a greater chance of killing Columbian trade unionists than British bought coke (because its nearer, it obviously has a greater effect).

He probably had some excellent stories about his adventure too which would make an excellent blog entry, but the Coke! It was wonderful- and Heggs presented it to me wearing a mini-sombrero. Coke! Coke!

It was a good evening overall- all of the usual people were there, as well as Heggs’ mate from Belize, who went out there with him. At one point in the evening, for some reason that I forget, I told the group that I thought I was “pretty cool” – bizarrely, despite having known me for approximately two hours by this point, Heggs’ friend laughed hardest, with the most contempt at this. I couldn’t Belize my eyes.

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Envelopes
August 5th, 2006 at 16:11

Yesterday I ended up back at my old school, doing some casual labour again. Rather than invigilate kids as they fail their exams like before, I was helping to stuff some envelopes. The school apparently need to tell everyone that there’s some building work going on, and they had a machine to print the letters, fold the letters, and print the labels- they just needed a human being to stick the labels on an envelope and put the letter inside.

It’s the most soul destroying thing I’ve done since I was tillmonkeying.

All I can see now is envelopes. Everywhere I look, I just see recycled brown paper covering everything. You could say that it has enveloped my life. Ho-ho.

I think there’s a degree of irony in that I chose to wear my Rage Against the Machine t-shirt yesterday. Not only was I complicit in assisting the machine, but I was literally part of it- with my limited movements almost mechanical in the production of letters ready to post.

I’m going back on Monday to finish the job. I think I must be mad.

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