How to Spin
May 14th, 2006 at 13:14

Politicians these days love to fiddle with the news and try and make themselves look good. Everyday, you see Huw Edwards or Fiona Bruce saying “Yeah, Blair’s still in power, somehow”. This mysterious art of public relations or Spin isn’t as mysterious as you may think- even you can do it too! Just follow these simple instructions:

1) Rename everything bad. The Americans call car-bombs in Iraq “I.E.D”s. Apparently standing for “Improvised Explosive Device”- that sounds much less awful than a BOMB. Simply copy this technique when relating bad news to people. For example, instead of saying “bad” use the acronym “G.O.O.D”- it doesn’t matter what it stands for, as people won’t want to feel stupid by asking. “I have some G.O.O.D news!”, you can cry.

2) Pretend that what did happen is what you wanted to happen. “We wanted Iraq to descend into civil war as it shows that the Iraqi people are now free from Saddam and can express themselves creatively, as well as destructively”. “I intended to write off your car by hitting a bollard, as I know you want a new one, but you were never going to make the plunge unless I did something for you”.

3) Bully the media, so that they don’t report G.O.O.D (ie: bad) things about you. “If you print that story about Tony Blair kicking children in the face as a hobby, we won’t invite you to our exclusive press briefing and you’ll have no friends!” “If you tell David that story about me kicking children in the face as a hobby, I won’t invite you to my birthday party and you’ll have no friends!”.

4) Narrow the spectrum of thought and remove shades of emotion. Over time, remove words like “freedom” and “peace” from the dictionary- if people can’t express these notions, then you can have whatever draconian powers you like.

5) Lie.

6) Rotate really, really fast.

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