Bollard Rematch
March 20th, 2006 at 15:34

I was out driving with my mother yesterday, and it was slightly more terrifying than usual.

As you may or may not know, on Christmas day 2004, I was put on my mum’s car insurance as a Christmas present. By 4pm on that same day, I’d hit a bollard whilst swerving to avoid a drunken cyclist, and written my mum’s car off. Fourteen months later and I still hadn’t passed my test- although I was finally allowed back on the car insurance.

Yesterday we finally went for it- we drove back to the scene of the crime, to conquer a fear. The bollard hadn’t been fixed since I smashed into it- it was still slightly warped.

Excellently, we sailed past the bollard with no problem… until we reached the next bollard.

It was horrible. It was like déja-vu. There was a bollard fast approaching in the centre of the road, and a fucking CYCLIST on the left. I did the same as last time- I accelerated to attempt to pass the cyclist before hitting the bollard, and luckily, this time I succeeded.

James: 1, Bollard: 1, Cyclists: Twunts.

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Silly Hat
March 16th, 2006 at 22:46

I was waiting for my train today, and sitting on a bench a few metres away from me was a man who was carrying a few large bags, and had a backpack on. He was clearly either going home or going away from a number of days or weeks.

The trouble is, he hadn’t factored into his travel plans his large, novelty Guinness hat. Which he was wearing. He wasn’t with any friends, and was on his own- making what would have been a right laugh on some sort of drunken night out, into him looking a bit of a twat. He looked visibly embarassed.

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Another Haircut
March 15th, 2006 at 20:04

I went to get my haircut again today, at the same place as before. As you might expect, the conversation was as engaging and exciting as last time.

After the obligatory “I bet you were drunk at the party the example photo was taken at” comment, the woman cutting my hair asked me what I was doing. I explained that I was currently sitting on a seat, looking into a mirror, having my hair cut, and making a very cheap gag.

I explained that I was at University studying politics, and we actually got into a light conversation about politics. It was dead interesting, in a “making the best of it”, sort of way. It was like talking to the fabled “man on the street”, the group all parties want to target as they’re so easily swayed. It was like a hands on experience at why the home office’s “We’re rock ‘ard, we are”, stance is there, and why politicians like to be seen to be “tough on terror”.

“I saw on telly that Osama Bin Laden was armed by…”

“America- Jimmy Carter then Ronald Reagan covertly funded the Mujahadeen during the Soviet Invasion of Afghanistan…”

“Just goes to show you can’t trust the arabs”

This caused my eyebrows to raise and may well have skewed the cutting of the hair that was occuring at that very moment. I’ve no idea if this has caused my hair to go wrong or not, as I’ve not seen any humans who know me, to verify that I look right since I had my hair cut.

“Just nuke ‘em all”

Hooray for opinions like that! I think this is where those hippy peacenik LibDems have been going wrong: if they’d gone into the election campaign with a pledge to “Nuke” the “Arabs” (who apparently live in Afghanistan), they’d be two or three scandals into Charlie Kennedy’s Premiership by now.

Rather than go into the complexity of Middle East-West relations with her, I decided instead to divert the conversation to something she knows a lot about: “Why are you cutting at an angle?”, I asked. Apparently it’s something to do with my hair being really thick.

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Evacuation
March 14th, 2006 at 21:05

I was in the Shires shopping centre in Leicester today with my good friend Michael, and like popular rap-metal band (hed)PE’s song, we were killing time. We did the standard things- walked around shops with our hoods up, looked threatening and refused to deviate from a straight path for the elderly. Things were going fine until whilst we were in WH Smith, when suddenly a very loud siren went off- I’d either reached the bonus round, won the mystery prize, or there was a problem.

Initially I thought that it was my horrible shoplifting habit setting off the alarms- I’d stolen some mini-eggs and then thrown eighty pences’ worth of loose change at the tillmonkey to try and deter him from chasing after me. However, the deafening noise just kept going. Eventually a security guard turned up, and shouted “everyone out!” and waved his arms in a “get out of the shopping centre” sort of way.

It’s at this point I probably should point out I’d been watching the latest series of 24 before I went to Uni today. Without a thought for Mickey, I dashed towards towards the nearest exit- I thought the terrorists could unleash the nerve gas at any point, and didn’t want to take any chances.

When safely outside, I stood and waited for the inevitable explosions, or mass-death of people to occur. I thought that even if Mickey doesn’t get out alive, it’ll make a damn good blog update. I had one hand on my camera and the other on my phone. When three fire engines hurtled down the road towards the shopping centre, I decided to take matters into my own hands and phone Michael.

He was alive! But still inside the building. I told him to get out, and in true Jack Bauer style, followed this comment up with a “Goddamnit. Son of a bitch!”.

Unfortunatley this exciting 24-esque tale doesn’t have an ending- I’ve got no idea what caused the evacuation or whether or not there was anything going on. One thing was for sure though- on the way back to Uni, there definately appeared to be a stepped up police presence, including a CCTV van and a couple of officers working together with a sniffer dog (looking for explosives?). Anyone else have any idea what’s going on?

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Bus Driver
March 13th, 2006 at 22:50

I caught the bus home today, and as soon as the bus arrived, it struck me that the driver looked like famous Radio 1 DJ and popular hate figure Chris Moyles. Albeit a Chris Moyles who’s career had gone wrong somewhere down the line and instead of doing “hilarious” prank phonecalls or whatever it is they do on radio these days, had ended up driving the same circuit day in, day out.

As I was queuing for a ticket and was rehearsing my lines (“A single to Market Harborough please!”) in my head, I was quite concerned that when it came to actually speak, I’d inadvertently add “Moylesy” to the end of my sentence. As luck would have it, this didn’t happen, but in my mind, all I could think about was him back-announcing the stop as we reached it and then singing a brief jingle about Arriva buses. I decided not to mention his disasterous Channel 5 series Live with Chris Moyles (essentially TFI Friday without the bands, or guests) as I got off the bus, on account of the driver not actually being Moyles.

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The census.
March 12th, 2006 at 21:34

I’ve been getting loads of hits as of late- mainly due to my apperance in the B3ta newsletter. Being the attention “whore” that I am, I’m interested in knowing who on earth is reading. I want to know whether you’re a high-powered media tycoon who has the ability to make and break careers at the click of the fingers, or a political dissident looking for change in a world polluted by the centre ground, or whether you’re just Charlie who I sometimes go to the pub with.

So, here’s what I want you to do- this is the bit where the one dimensional blog becomes Web 2.0. This is when things become interactive and exciting- I want YOU, yes YOU, who is reading now, to leave a comment explaining who you are.

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Dumbing Down
March 11th, 2006 at 23:48

I’ve been accused of no longer being entertaining. Apparently nobody gives a “rat’s ass” about politics and all the (proverbial) shit I’ve been (figuratively) spewing as of late, so in an effort to broaden my appeal I’m going to take a look at what’s been happening in my two main sources of content: the news and my own life, and then attempt to satirise and talk about them in an accessible way! Essentially I’m going to pass off other people’s catchphrases as my own, as I don’t indulge enough in pop-culture to talk about real current events.
I was in Leicester the other day and I went into Argos- I filled in the little slip and used the self service payment thing using my Maestro card- there were so many confirmation screens it ought to have asked me: Is that my final answer? Eh? Eh?

Mickey was there with me, and he bought something too. His card wasn’t accepted, though… He is the weakest link… goodbye! Haha!

Slobodan Milosevic dead? Don’t care! Don’t know who he is! What about that David Beckham or Chantelle from Big Brother? What have they been doing? David bought some new shoes? Maybe he needs some new football boots going by how he’s been playing lately? LOL.

I love the new Keane single- it doesn’t sound anything atall like their other songs!!!!!
I was watching the Simpsons the other day and had a powercut. Doh! Aye-Carumba!
Current Music: The Used – Take It Away

Current Mood: Upset and angry with the world, because I’m so emo and that

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Milosevic: a family man.
March 11th, 2006 at 20:10

Slobodan Milosevic is dead, and I’m desperately trying to think of a pun on his name. As he is dead, however, now is a time for reflection- and I think we should all look back on his life with some rose tinted glasses and read only the most fawning of obituarys. He’s dead, afterall, and you wouldn’t want to disrespect the dead.

Slobodan was a quiet, well spoken man- a family man, who loved his wife and daughter dearly. He came to power in April 1987, thanks to his ingenuity and being a retrospectively top bloke. In 1999 there was some nasty business in Kosovo- some awful ethnic Albanians were brutally occupying Kosovo, and viciously attacked and killed Serbian soldiers, just because Serbs were trying to wipe out their entire race. The imperialist western NATO powers bombed little Slobodan’s small homeland, in a bid to oust Slobby, as he was affectionately known, from his excellent and prosperous leadership of a strong and united Yugoslavia. Slobodan resigned from office in 2000, saying that his work there was done- much to the dismay of his loyal people. Thousands of people filled the streets to show how much they loved Slobodan, and how much they hated the opposition, who’s only claims to power was that they’d won an unimportant federal election. We’ll miss you, Slobby.

I think the thing that surprised me most about being a suspected war criminal on trial in The Hague, is just how cushy it is to live there. Milosevic apparently had a telly, phone and internet access from his cell… all for free. He also got free bed and board, of course- he had it better than a university student in halls of residence. At least when he would have been convicted, he wouldn’t have come out of the trial with thousands of pounds worth of debt. He’d even have got a qualification at the end of it: Official War Criminal. That’s pretty impressive- and gives him a lot of credibility. I think “War Criminal” probably ranks higher on the “don’t mess with him” ranks than “Professor” or “BA (Hons) International Relations”.

I think his (denied) request to go to Moscow for health care was pushing it a bit though- clearly just a ruse for a free holiday. Silly Slobodan. Serves him right though, y’know, for being dead and not properly convicted of being an awful shit.

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“Tim-ber!”
March 10th, 2006 at 20:33

I was waiting in a corridor for a seminar yesterday- psyching myself up to give a presentation on the downfall of Communism. Needless to say this went dreadfully- which perhaps explains why I wrote such a scathing criticism of socialists afterwards.
I was explaining to Ijaz that I had four excellent gags planned:

1. “Sorry if this presentation sounds a bit like the lecture we had last week- the subject matter is similar and I’m an awful plagarist. I guess you could say this is a case of history repeating itself!“
2. “I’ve tried to grow a Communist-style beard to mark the occasion, but it hasn’t quite worked and instead I’ve got a bit of a mess of facial hair. I think I look like a peasant… but prior to said peasant rising up and over-throwing the ruling class!”
3. “Here’s a map of the spheres of influence in 1989- the reason the border of East Germany is a bit shonky is because I had to draw it on myself, and just drew the line arbitrarily… a bit like the allies after 1989!“
4. “With Glasnost in full swing, the East Europeans had a choice… side with an autocratic regime who have a history of human rights abuses and interfering in other states internal affairs… or America!“

Unfortunately, due to being terrified of my audience, and the fact that I was “teaching” a man who’s career is the subject matter, and who actually lived through and remembers the events as they happend, I only managed the first one, and that didn’t work atall because I was stuttering, giving up half way through sentences and looked hideously unorganised. I even forgot to mention the excellent 1975 Helsinki Agreement!

An uninformed James O’Malley talking rubbish about politics wasn’t the most exciting thing that happend, though. Whilst waiting outside we watched a man walk up the corridor and as he tried to turn left, he walked straight into the wall, fell over and collapsed. Slightly stunned, we just stared at him for a few seconds as he failed to move or show any signs of life. As we ran (ie: walked quickly) towards him, he just got up and continued as normal. I think he either has some sort of medical condition that affects his balance, or it was an aborted sketch for a new revival of Beadle’s About.

It was rather odd.

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Nutter Socialists
March 9th, 2006 at 23:39

There’s loads of different social groups at University- by which I mean socialist groups! Haha! I’m not a member of any of them, but in usual style I’m going to judge them based on assumptions and lies I’ve been told.

Apparently there’s apparently some “normal” socialists who probably don’t believe in re-animating Lenin, and there’s some really hardcore commies who occasionally hold meetings and things. The thing that bothers me about this is: why on earth do these young people love mega-socialism (communism) so much?

It’s not like they’re old enough to sit back, drinking some sort of homebrewed anti-capitalist drink saying to each other things like “remember the good old days? When Uncle Josef was around? I used to love all that agriculture we used to do before mass production did the hard work for us. I didn’t have a care in the world… aside from wondering where the next meal was going to come from… and whether expressing a slightly anti-government opinion earlier will get me sent to Siberia.”

Call me imperialist scum, but I can’t see the appeal in an economy based on hideous inefficiency. I can’t think of anything worse than going into a shop, asking for a shiny new Nintendo DS, only to be offered some heavily subsidised coal and steel, instead- maybe even a Gizmondo.

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