Featured in Wales on Sunday!
February 28th, 2006 at 18:10

I’ve been featured in a national newspaper! Well, Welsh national newspaper at least! Wales on Sunday’s Matt Withers column had a bit on the MP Coke survey I did a while back.

The full of text of the article is thus:

DAVID Cameron steadfastly refused throughout his successful bid for the Tory leadership to be drawn on whether he’d ever taken coke. This reticence, however, appears to have spread throughout the House of Commons, with MPs unwilling to say whether they like Coke. Or prefer its rival, Pepsi. A blogger called James O’Malley decided earlier this month, for no apparent reason, to e-mail every single MP with the urgent request ‘Do you prefer Coca-Cola or Pepsi?’. A grand total of 45 MPs found the time to respond, with around 80 per cent opting for Coke. Sadly, only one Welsh MP was willing to state his preference – Rhondda member Chris Bryant is a Pepsi man.

No actual URL credited, but its better than nothing!

Is anyone Welsh reading? Does anyone have a copy of this newspaper in question (Presumably last Sunday)? Get in touch!

And for the sake of some extra backstory, the e-mail alerting me to my appearance was this:

Just thought I’d let you know we used your Coca-Cola survey in our paper (Wales on Sunday) this weekend – I’ve e-mailed you the pdf – your survey is bottom of page 8 on my widely-read column. Thought you might enjoy the glory, because you’re not getting any cash or owt…

I am indeed enjoying the glory! Thanks Matt!

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Cameron’s Principles
February 28th, 2006 at 01:19

David “Dave” Cameron has apparently come up with some new “aims and values” that will define his evil party- its so radical he’s going to get the party members to vote on them. BBC News online have helpfully summarised what he thinks in a box on their website, and I’m going to assume this is gospel Conservative stuff. So without having actually read the bulk of the article, lets have a look at what these values are:

Economic stability before tax cuts
I agree with this.

Policies must help the least well-off, not the rich
And this.

Women’s choices on work and home lives will be supported
We’re doing well so far- another good idea.

Public services will not necessarily be run by the state
Whoops! Yeah, privatisation works. Cough, railways, cough, London Underground, cough, loads of things.

Party will fight for free and fair trade
Fair enough.

Tories will be hard-nosed defenders of freedom and security
Well I don’t like this! I love oppression! I hate it when people speak their mind. Especially children.

Government should support home ownership, saving, families and business
If I was the government I’d have a rapid-reaction squad of civil servants ready to go and piss through letterboxes, rob banks and feed children to dogs. Isn’t this like saying “I’m anti-murder”? Meaningless.

Government should be closer to the people
I prefer a government that is completely unaccountable!

Now I don’t go throwing the term “meaningless bullshit” around too much… but really, why not just tell people you like it when things are nice? Oh, I do this new electable neo-conservative party (hoho!). I wonder what they’ll come up with next? Health care when people are poorly?

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Childhood ruined by Wikipedia
February 26th, 2006 at 14:48

I’ve just spent the last three hours reading Wikipedia. Rather than filling my brain with useful knowledge about like, the cold war or how the gas giants work, I’ve been reading about kids TV series like the Spiderman animated series, and Beetleborgs. Again.

I was horrified to discover something most disturbing about VR Troopers, which you may or may not remember as the Power Rangers style show that lasted for a couple of series about ten years ago. Now, it’s fairly common knowledge that Power Rangers was essentially made up of scenes of American kids with scenes from Japanese action series spliced in- essentially as stock footage. It turns out that VR Troopers was even shonkier than this- that used “stock footage” from two Japanese TV series, where costumes were inconsistent. This worries me, as I’m left wondering why my eight year old self didn’t notice this?!

Worse still, in the Saban made Masked Rider (which was produced in the same way as VR Troopers) you could apparently still see the Japanese actor’s head in a lot of shots… and the costume was different between Japanese and American actors.

I never spotted these inconsistencies before- and seeing this now has ruined my childhood. How much else of my childhood was let down by poor production values and cheap Japanese imports?
I hate you, Wikipedia.

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Exciting new TV formats
February 24th, 2006 at 22:15

Apparently a new celebrity reality series started last night on BBC One. I only know about this because of the mauling its receieved in the media press (MediaGuardian)- apparently its just like Pop Idol or Strictly Come Dancing, and all of the other tedious shite that has me pressing “561″ or “582″ on my Sky remote. I havn’t seen the programme myself, so I am prepared to make a complete U-turn on my opinions, should this actually turn out to do to television what the treaty of Westphalia did for international law.

Clearly the TV people are running out of ideas about how to target the C2, D and E segments. To this end, I’ve come up with some ideas for future programmes. Any TV execs reading? E-Mail me if you’re interested in picking up any of these formats:

World War II 2

Essentially a re-match, only this time the German’s can play at home. If neccessary, a new winner can be decided on aggregate. Red button interactive services allowing viewers to select a front from which to view the war, as well as a stream dedicated to mini-featurettes that offer a “behind the scenes” look at munitions factories, as well as vox-pops of the general public giving their meaningless views. If ratings take a dive a few weeks in, introduce the Americans on the side of the allies to stir things up a bit. Hosted by Eamonn Holmes and Natasha Kaplinsky- both can be suitably serious and fun, when the situation dictates the mood. Round the clock live streaming on BBC News 24. The other good thing about this series from a commericial point of view (are you listening, BBC Worldwide?) is the merchandising opportunities- companion video games and magazine partworks can launch in sync with the series, rather than sixty years later.

Newsnight

A companion programme to BBC News to be shown on a secondary channel. Essentially a direct rip-off of ITV2 programmes like Pop Idol Extra and I’m a Celebrity, get me out of here NOW, as well as Big Brother’s Little Brother. This can provide analysis and extra information to what has featured on the main news programme on BBC One that evening. Mark Durden-Smith to host.

Prison Break

Jim Davidson, Nick Griffin, James Blunt, Margaret Thatcher, Lorraine Heggesey (she scrapped the BBC One balloon idents! Oh no!), Richard “Dirty” Desmond, Kim Jong Il and Dick Cheney are locked in prison and left there. Doesn’t neccessarily have to be televised.

Celebrity Love Island

This might sound a bit silly and have a rather flakey format, but bear with me. Right, here’s the deal: some celebrities living on an island- a love island, if you will- and cameras watch them 24/7 on the off-chance that any love happens. Stripped across the 10pm slot. Yes, to be honest, I think this is a bit of a silly idea too. I don’t know why I thought of it. I’m sorry.

I’m willing to work with any commissioning editors/producers on these programmes. Drop me an e-mail if you’re interested.

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MEP in “twunt” shocker!
February 22nd, 2006 at 16:24

Christ on a bike! I feel like a proper investigative journalist! Almost a year ago East Midlands MEP Derek Clark came to my old school to rant at us about how awful the EU was- aside from admitting he was on the EU gravy train and enjoying it, when my friends and I questioned him at the end of the “general studies” session about energy, he reacted in a rather animated way.

We asked him if he agreed with fellow UKIPper Steve Reid who reckons that wind power isn’t renewable because it “takes energy out of the earth’s atmosphere” and could “slow the rotation of the earth”. Seriously. Dezza didn’t commit entirely to this idea- but did say there’s a lot of speculation and that no-one knows for sure. He claimed wind farms are ineffective when its not windy and so on, and that if we only used renewable energy, they’d be no form of redundancy. This was wrong, of course. He also suggested that we’d have to run fossil-fuel power plants anyway, for back up measures. I wonder why he said this?

Could this be because he owns shares in Powergen and British Gas? See: here (warning: PDF link). He also seems to be collecting a pension at the same time- he is old, though.

But, Derek Clark- yes, you, Derek Roland Clark, your lack of faith in renewable energy wouldn’t have anything to do with your financial interests, would it?

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Job Application
February 21st, 2006 at 19:32

I’ve sold out. Again. I’m applying for another job! Worse still, rather than consistently sticking it to the man, I’ll be actively working for him. That’s right, if I get the job I’ll be working for my old foe: invigilating exams at my old school!

No, really.

What these means is that whilst people like Heather, my sister and best of all, my old enemies, are trying to make it through a difficult exam, I’ll be sat at the front, killing time.

I’ll be pacing back and fourth, occasionally stopping the peer over the shoulder of some unlucky kids on my journey back to the seat where I originally started. As I walk around the room, I may stop to read the exam regulations that have been posted on the wall for the twentieth time- I can try and take an interest in the display work on the walls of the classroom to try and kill the painfully long two hours. I’ll wear the squeakiest shoes possible.
When there’s about half an hour to go, and a sizable number of people sitting waiting for the exam to finish, I’ll pour some water into a plastic cup, as slowly as possible- the kids can then watch in awe as I slowly screw the lid back on to the bottle, trying to be discreet. Anyone who looks at me funny? Their name goes down on the list of people who were talking.

It’s getting paid for doing literally nothing. I can’t* wait.

*can

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Robin Ince
February 21st, 2006 at 00:15

I went to see yet another comedian last night with Mitch. Now, I don’t want any of you new readers, who might be here because of the B3ta newsletter to think I spend every evening going to comedy shows- this was the last one for a while, I promise. The Leicester comedy festival is now over, so I’ll revert to my usual talking rubbish about gingerbread men or whatever.

We were going to see Robin Ince- who you might know as Ricky Gervais’ sidekick, or as a writer on the best thing on TV at the moment: The Late Edition.
We had some time to kill before the doors opened, so we went and had a drink in The Graduate student bar. It was one of the manliest things I’ve done in ages- I was in a bar, watching a football match that wasn’t an international and attempting to be interested. After Mitch had explained that the players wern’t allowed to touch the ball with their hands, we did the following manly things:

• Made reference to my bird.
• Talked about queers in a negative way.
• Speculated who would make a good combative midfielder for Chelsea (the football team- not the pensioners).
• Relived my best fistfights with waving punching motions to match.
• Started a series of sentences with the words “I was so pissed that…”.
• Discussed some of the articles in this week’s Zoo magazine.
• Was largely monosyllabic.

After all of this we had a quick fight to reassert our manliness, and then finally went into the Student Union, where Robin Ince was performing. The perhaps unfortunate thing was that we were the first people there meaning there a few awkward “will anyone else turn up?” minutes- this would have been especially bad if Ince wasn’t funny.
As luck had it, we didn’t need to worry.
The seating setup was ace- rather than have standard theatre like staggered seating, they’d just moved some of the
union furniture around a bit- meaning that I got to sit on a big sofa, slouched back in my usual style. It was ace. Ince even picked on me and commented how I was watching him like how I’d watch TV.

Most importantly, Ince himself was excellent. He’d bought with him a series of props- mainly cuttings from the Daily Mail, which made up the main thrust of his act. Essentially he had a big tirade against the Daily Mail- which was incredibly funny.

Other bits of his material would have been shocking had I not been desensitised by the internet- AIDS and Soham! But it was all brilliantly funny and entertaining, which is what I suppose its all about really.

Overally: ten out of fantastic.

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Mark Steel
February 19th, 2006 at 02:40

I went to see comedian Mark Steel this evening with Mickey from Uni (or “Mitch”, as he prefers to be called). Thrillingly, it was at the same place I went to see Mark Thomas- the Leicester YMCA. And much like last time, the foyer was full of nutters- I could quite happily post hundreds of “Nutter of the week” updates about the people there- but then I wouldn’t want to exhaust the brand.
One man, who had a ginger beard, turned to us whilst we were queuing and did actually talk jibberish. It wasn’t an incomprehensible accent (“eh oop me dook, whad ah you ‘avin a mardy about?”), it was literally his mouth forming different shapes to make noises at us. Thankfully, he turned around after a few seconds, and Mitch and I resumed our conversation once we thought the coast was clear.

There was also the spitting image of Fidel Castro in a baseball cap and denim.

The usual (based upon 100% occurence when I’ve been there) ragtag bunch were there too- the socialists were trying to get people to sign a petition to get the troops out of Iraq… who are they going to send it to? Downing street? Is Tony going to open the post one morning: “…Bill…Bill…Junk mail… Bill… Letter in blood from Gordon… Christ on a bike! A petition signed by 60 people on the lunatic fringes of politics want me to repent my warcrimes and bring back the troops so that Iraq can descend into civil war as we won’t be there to beat and torture them! I better do as they say!”?

Mark Steel himself was ace- I wasn’t sure what to expect, having not watched any of his TV series or read any of his books, but as it turns out, he’s just as political as Mark Thomas. In fact, there’s parts of his act that would work interchangably with Thomas’s. They both do the “posh aristocrat” thing well.

What I thought was interesting was the inclusion of local references- they were funny, although they felt a little forced. “I was reading the Leicester Mercury… is there enough that happens in Leicester for it to be daily? There’s a section on page 8 called ‘world view’… what’s this? Lutterworth?”. I assume that when he travels with his show he substitues in local names with great effect.

The main thrust of the performance was telling us the history of the French revolution- a topic that has a slight relevancy to my University course, so its all useful, really. This main story let Steel go off onto tangents where he could joke about some more contemporary things. Like Ian Paisley. Bizarrely, of the three comedians I’ve seen in the last six months (or 3/4 ever), they’ve all made jokes about Paisley. He must be an unintentially excellent comic creation- a bit like Crystal Walrein. (Yes, that’s an in-joke I’m afraid, new readers).

As you might know, I’m quite the cola coinasseur, so I was disappointed to find that the bar at The Y only served Pepsi in tiny 180ml bottles- that’s less than a can. And it was just pre-bottled, meaning it loses that excellent “pub cola” just-mixed taste that compensates for the smokey atmosphere. I had three bottles.
After the show, Mark Steel came into the bar for a drink- after about twenty minutes of dithering, I finally dared ask him for a photo. And you can see the photo above. It’s an honour, y’know… getting meeting me, James O’Malley.

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Nutter of the week #4
February 16th, 2006 at 23:31

I was walking back to the station today, minding my own business- literally! I was listening to Audioslave, as you do, oblivious to the world around me.

I felt a tap on my shoulder- I spun around and pulled my headphones out expecting to see someone I vaguely knew- only to be confronted with the grinning face of this week’s Nutter of the Week!

He just grined at me and laughed at the fact that he’d surprised me, as my listening to music meant that I couldn’t hear stealthy pedestrians. What made matters worse was that some of his teeth were missing, making him look even more intimidating. I was fucking terrified.

“Sorry!”, I cried- apologising for nothing, before running off as fast I could. I turned back to see him laughing. He may have been pointing too but the fear meant that I only had time to see his awful face, now tilted back with his mouth gaping open in laughter at me.

From this point until I got home, I oscillated my head back and fourth like a radar, terrified that he was going to return for the actual rape.

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How to write an essay
February 16th, 2006 at 21:27

I had yet another lecture about “How to write an essay” today, instead of something actually useful- like something that’s actually about politics. Rather than make notes, I drew a picture of the man talking:

I was furiously scribbling away to draw this, so he no doubt thought I was working really hard. When I left the lecture someone said to me “nice picture”, and it turned out everyone on the rows behind me had been watching me draw the bloke. (In joke: it didn’t turn into a full personal enquiry.)

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