8/15/2005 06:25:00 PM|||James O'Malley|||

Nothing interesting has happend lately, so I'm afraid that today's blog update is going to be a bit of a repeat run. It's just a shame I don't get repeat fees, or indeed, to reenact the event only improving on it slightly.

So tonight, dear readers, cast your mind back to 21st January 2005, and I give you the story of me meeting Kilroy...

(note: Canned Ham is the satire website I work for, but it's down at the moment.)

If you're a regular Canned Ham reader, you'll know that the only things we make jokes about is Kilroy and the Nazis. After months of update after update featuring the far right MEP everyone loves to hate, I finally got to meet my nemisis. Robert Kilroy Silk. I've disliked him ever since I realised what a horrible person he was. It makes you wonder- was his chat show really just a secret way of indoctrinating the masses? It would explain why old people and the unemployed are all racist biggots.

There I was, at school, reading the latest news on my mobile phone, when suddenly I realised that Robert Kilroy Silk, the figurehead of a hideous right wing movement was going to be giving a press conference in Hinckley. A small town in Leicestershire. That night. I had to go.

After ringing the council, local paper and venue, we were all set to go. Charlie and I took two heavily delayed trains and finally made it to Hinckley, shortly having to sit near ten youths on the train taking drugs, swearin' and speakin' a language of which the only words we picked up were "Machine gun" and "bitch". Scary stuff.

Usefully, we had Evilmonkey back at base, who was on hand to give us train times, directions, and fashion advice. It was just like the series "24". He patched me through the mainframe and setup a pipe to the train network and reconfigured the matrix interface to do some bollocks. Of course, he had to go rogue in order to get us to the hostile and break protocol. He pissed off his boss, got sacked and arrested, but was but was pardoned because of the gravity of the situation, and the fact that he "gets results".

Whilst on the train, Monkey gave us some alarming information- it was 2.7 miles from the station to the venue. Bugger. JD had said earlier in the day, that judging by the crappy, inaccurate map on the venue's website, it's "about two feet" away from the station. Of course, a golf course is fucking massive, so that little green area representing the venue was actually REALLY MASSIVE. We had to get a taxi. The taxi driver didn't exactly make us feel comfortable either- he was watching Harry Potter 3 on a dash board mounted LCD screen whilst driving.

Anyway, we made it there ten minutes late- and Kilroy, or "killers", as he's affectionately known, was in full throw. Plenty of violent rhetoric, plenty of sound bites, plenty of ranting. And far too much slagging off your former colleagues. I knew I couldn't let this man, who looks evil from every angle (I think it's the eyebrows), get off easy- despite his far right views, what he was doing was absurd.

Long story short, Kilroy was a bit upset that UKIP wouldn't make him boss, just because he said so. So he's quit in a vaguely dramatic way, and is ALLEGEDLY (read: this is true) going to setup another new party. His new party will allegedly be called "Veritas", which is the Latin for truth. Ironic, really.

After his speech... well, rant, he allowed the assembled audience to ask questions. I thought "I've only got one chance at this", and asked the most polite and scatching question I could think of. After contemplating "You are a twunt, discuss", I came up with "Will you quitting UKIP and standing independently not only serve to divide the anti-Europe opposition and harm what is presumably your ultimate goal?". He spent about ten minutes rehashing the rhetoric he was spounting- I'd hate to have been a Brussel's fat cat right then. It didn't help that he didn't have a microphone plugged in - although this speaks volumes (no pun intended) about Killer's popularity. He didn't really have to project his voice very far, shall we say?

My question would have been infinately more brilliant if I hadn't been so nervous. I was nervous about the worlds media having cameras pointed at me, rather than being the one talking to a twunt. I was planning to draw a comparison that the anti-EU opposition would be more powerful and influential if united- a lot like Europe. Haha.

Anyway, after the press conference, we stuck around to "mingle" with the press and nazis. Killers came walking towards us, so I seized my opportunity in a similar to way how he will seize foreigners and dissidents, if elected. "Can I have a photo?", I enquired. Kilroy posed for the above photo- notice how my left hand is in the shape of a hand gun, and pointed at his head. He had no idea. How we laughed. I think the photo really captures Kilroy's dark side really well.

After this, a woman started talking to us, claiming she was an "interested independent", who clearly wasn't. After initially suspecting that she works on Newsnight, we later concluded she's Kilroy's Alistair Campbell type figure. Spinning Kilroy's must be very hard work, so I wish her the best of luck. We told her about Canned Ham... and I described it as an "irreverent political journal". Whoops. We'd be taking an objective fair and balanced look, I said. Whoops. Sorry about that. She hoped we would give a "positive report". Whoops. She did promise that she'd be able to get us Kilroy's personal e-mail address so we can ask him some questions- it'll be interesting to see whether or not Kilroy still gets in touch, or will he hide from a liberal challenge?

We managed to get a copy of the press release- not tremendously interesting, but at the bottom was a mobile number attributed to the one and only Kilroy. I havn't tested this yet, but time will tell. Needless to say, Kilroy might be offered a timeshare in a number of European destinations soon.

The other interesting thing there, from a TV News nerd's point of view was the media setup. BBC News 24 was the only TV channel carrying the rant live, which it stuck with for about ten minutes before going onto more important stories. Probably cat stuck up tree. They went back for a live after the main bit had finished, at which point I was live on News 24 live... twice! Irritatingly, only minutes earlier I'd given my Canned Ham banner to the one and only Kilroy's PR woman. I managed to shake the hand of one of News 24's political correspondents, who's name I'm afraid to say, escaped me. In terms of other media, Sky and ITN were probably also there- not that they caused as much fuss as the BBC. Newspapers were out in force- I believe the Guardian and the Times had people there. Their photographers were actually uploading photos before Killers had finished speaking.

Just before we left, we managed to get talking to the Killer again- Charlie asked him if he would improve protesting conditions for Animal Rights activists- they're currently banned from protesting near to testing places. Killer gave a bloody mess of an answer, "Yes, absolutely! This is what its all about! Getting your country back!". Hmm...

We left shortly after, our goals complete; My nemisis now knows that I exist, I managed to make him look silly in a photographic way, and the world is saved from the threat of a credible anti-Europe opposition. The best bit was that Evilmonkey for the first time EVAR was positive about something that I have done, claiming that this was "the best thing ever".

Kilroy == Pwned.

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