More crap from ITV
April 29th, 2005 at 21:51
I’m angry. Angry and better than you. More specifically, better than ITV. My sister usually has control of the TV after school, today was no exception. Her viewing choices are always poor- she never seems to watch BBC News 24 or documentaries about engineering. Today, one of the programmes she watched has annoyed me so much, I felt motivated to write this.
The programme was “Girls in Love”, and as with most crap, was on ITV. Now, obviously I’m not a part of the target market, but the thing that struck me about this programme was how repulsive it must be to everyone. Everything was wrong about this programme. For those of you who unfortunately havn’t seen this, it seems to follow the lives of some teenage girls whilst they act pathetically and do bugger all, all whilst using the most irritating presentational devices known to man. Note: that is not “known to woman”, otherwise this programme might have been saved in post production, assuming 30 minutes of library footage could have been used to replace the shite that I had to endure. For the sake of some quotes, “ooh, ooh, let’s act pathetic, ooh, who fancies who? Ooh, ooh, lets have a three minute montage of deciding what to wear, ooh, ooh, let’s overlay some faux-handdrawn cartoon over the live action to exaggerate a point. Ooh, let’s constantly have pop music as background music too!”. Agh.
In an attempt to salvage something constructive out of this proverbial car crash, I’ve come up with this alternative script. (It’s a shame the car crash is proverbial, as a real one would make the programme infinately more exciting).
INT: LEAD CHARACTERS HOUSE
Lead character: Oh no! There’s an election coming up and I don’t know which party most reflects my political beliefs!
Secondary character: Don’t worry! There’s still time! We need to go and look at the issues.
Cue a montage of clips going though the different issues, like asylum, taxes, university fees. Have the characters going to talk to people in hospitals and universities. Keep it fast paced, show them shaking hands with third parties, don’t use any audio, just keep music going over the top. The song can be ‘Know Your Enemy’ by Rage Against the Machine to give it a suitably politically charged undercurrent.
Lead character: Wow! That was informative!
Secondary character: …and educational!
Lead character: Oh look, the person I fancy in this weeks episode has sent me a text message! I’ll look delighted whilst animated flowers and fireworks fill the screen!
Secondary character: Have you learnt nothing?!
Lead character: Yes, you’re right. I think it will be better for society if we encourage people like our former ignorant selves to take their own lives.
Zoom out into the sky, as the sound effects of mass suicide are heard.
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